<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?><feed xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom" ><generator uri="https://jekyllrb.com/" version="3.10.0">Jekyll</generator><link href="https://padajar.com/feed.xml" rel="self" type="application/atom+xml" /><link href="https://padajar.com/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" /><updated>2026-04-19T16:52:06+00:00</updated><id>https://padajar.com/feed.xml</id><title type="html">phi adajar</title><subtitle>fifth-year phd candidate at mit interested in the economics of education and much, much more.</subtitle><author><name>phi adajar</name></author><entry><title type="html">mystery hunt recap, 2026</title><link href="https://padajar.com/2026/01/27/hunt-recap/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="mystery hunt recap, 2026" /><published>2026-01-27T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2026-01-27T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://padajar.com/2026/01/27/hunt-recap</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://padajar.com/2026/01/27/hunt-recap/"><![CDATA[<p>maybe it’s my time to try and write a hunt recap post. i blog! i do puzzles! i’m allowed to blog about puzzles! and i’m on a team that people sometimes recognize, and somehow we’ve become a team that’s a little bit good at hunts? so maybe my written reflections will be interesting to others, and not just to me :P</p>

<p>here’s some thoughts on hunting this year — as always, i hunt with NES, a team that largely (but not exclusively) consists of alumni from Next House, my undergrad dorm at MIT.</p>

<p>obviously, spoilers for mitmh 2026 (a wonderful hunt written by cardinality!). and the usual disclaimer that all opinions on here are my own, not that of anyone else on NES or in the NES leadership team, are all made with loving intent, and so on 🧡</p>

<p>(not a required pre-read, but i’ve mostly been in the same mindset as when i wrote <a href="https://padajar.com/2026/01/21/taking-your-medicine/">taking your medicine</a> — you might find it interesting to read that first. or, if you don’t know much about mystery hunt, it’s also useful for a little bit of context.)</p>

<h2 id="puzzles">puzzles</h2>

<p>first, a talk-through of the puzzles that i had some form of significant interaction with, which i think shows what my hunt was like in (very) broad strokes.</p>

<h4 id="this-puzzle-has-been-here-the-whole-time-bubble-cove-feeder">this puzzle has been here the whole time (bubble cove, feeder)</h4>

<p>hooooly cow what an incredible puzzle to see to start the hunt. i <em>immediately</em> head to it with some other dropout nerds. had a small miststep to start (totally thought the first diagram was referencing <a href="https://www.youtube.com/shorts/zsmxkpCpUK8">lisa gilroy as ellen degeneres in jaws</a>), but we quickly got past that. the sam reich cameo was absolutely <em>incredible</em> to boot. in hindsight, could have solved it sooner, but so it goes with puzzles. deeply enjoyed and also immediately forwarded to <em>all</em> the people i know who are into dropout<sup id="fnref:1" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote" rel="footnote">1</a></sup> (unlocked fri 1:19pm, solved fri 2:16pm.)</p>

<h4 id="architecture-of-flow-old-bark-town-feeder">architecture of flow (old bark town, feeder)</h4>

<p>i’m no hip-hop nerd, so most IDing was not done by me. had some fun going down the alpha aerobics pathway — it sticks out in my head <em>purely</em> for the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKdV5FvXLuI">daniel radcliffe version</a>. (unlocked fri 2:20pm solved fri 2:52pm.)</p>

<h4 id="welcome-to-mit-aviaria-feeder">welcome to mit (aviaria, feeder)</h4>

<p>helped out with this puzzle after finishing <em>architecture of flow</em>. most of the hard work had already been done, and i mostly helped out with a bit of error identification to get to the final answer (incorrect submissions include: deserters, desecrate, desperate, …). it really is fun when my knowledge of campus really comes in handy: love being able to look at a photo and tell you exactly which crosswalk it was take from. (unlocked fri 1:06pm, solved 3:14pm.)</p>

<h4 id="jumping-to-conclusions-kitty-city-feeder">jumping to conclusions (kitty city, feeder)</h4>

<p>a joy of a puzzle. i <em>love</em> squinting for answers, and a puzzle that acts like a minimeta is so fun. i spend most of my time finding the right goosebumps novels and nutrimatic-ing various other components, but our team <em>churns</em> through this (unlocked fri 3:26pm, solve 4:08pm).</p>

<h4 id="maps-kitty-city-feeder">maps (kitty city, feeder)</h4>

<p>ah, the first of two consecutive puzzles i work on where we end up hard stuck. we unlock this at 4:20pm, and i head over to do some geoguessr investigation. we’re not sure what to do with emojis, and mark it as “stuck” via nesbot at 5:16pm. it takes until 10am on saturday for someone to open the sheet and read the first letters — the puzzle is solved 30 minutes later. sometimes, you just have to remember to do the simple things.</p>

<h4 id="squint-your-ears-kitty-city-feeder">squint your ears (kitty city, feeder)</h4>

<p>one does feel like they’re going insane listening to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvEW3e0BLn8">things that almost sound like english</a>. we get this at 5:23pm fri; and we mark it stuck after running state of the solve at 7:07pm. i clean up our spreadsheet and fix some errors in the early hours of saturday morning, and try to submit a hint request when they open but get promptly rejected for being “on track to finish hunt” (a cause for celebration, of course). we only backsolve it at 5:55pm saturday.</p>

<p>looking at the solutions, this puzzle’s a good reminder for me to just write down all the information when you’re feeling stuck. i thought about using the “time of static”, but two of them seemed like they were at the exact same time so i didn’t bother. aaaa.</p>

<h4 id="acquisitions-hyperbolic-space-feeder">acquisitions (hyperbolic space, feeder)</h4>

<p>you know how frequently something that i do for work comes up in a hunt? never. literally never. so getting a puzzle related to auction theory was <em>wild</em>.  i contribute various things (all-pay auction, IDing the common auctions), but we get stuck on finding the bidding strategies. some teammates get the “presidential” and “chemist” ahas after I head to sleep, and bash it out not too long after. (unlocked 7:01pm, solved 10:25pm.)<sup id="fnref:d" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:d" class="footnote" rel="footnote">2</a></sup></p>

<h4 id="shapes-elder-drifts-feeder">shapes (elder drifts, feeder)</h4>

<p>the SQUARE hole. a very fun gimmick i quite enjoyed. (unlock 8:03pm fri, solve 9:03pm). i’m far too tired to be productive after this point (it’s 2am in the uk and i’m falling asleep at my computer) and i get shooed off to bed; unfortunately, this means i didn’t get to do <strong>musical numbers</strong> (but i’m excited to post-solve it soon! &lt;3 to my a cappella frendos)</p>

<h4 id="gerrymandering-eland-islands-feeder">gerrymandering (eland islands, feeder)</h4>

<p>my first new puzzle of saturday morning. a fairly straightforward solve, and getting the logic of modes/means to work was quite fun. (unlock 9:31am, solved 10:19am). a very cute little gimmick. (it’s around here that the teammates finish off <em>maps</em>, and i am so relieved to be free of it.)</p>

<h4 id="mixed-messaging-kingdom-of-the-puzzmon-meta">mixed messaging (kingdom of the puzzmon, meta)</h4>

<p>the first meta that i help out with! (i didn’t end up helping out with any capstones, and a good chunk of my time ended up on the organizing side of NES). we unlocked it at sat 4:05am, and someone had the core aha at around 4:30am — the existence of these pairs of words is actually just incredible. i head to this puzzle after finishing up with <em>gerrymandering</em>, and with the help of google sheets formulas and a bunch of code, we end up solving the meta at sat 11:01am with just 6/12 answers. (this leads to <em>many</em> failed backsolve answers to other puzzles.)</p>

<h4 id="monster-mash-kingdom-of-the-puzzmon-meta">monster mash (kingdom of the puzzmon, meta)</h4>

<p>at sat 10:58am, someone has the core aha for this meta with CHA[KRA KE(-N)]NNEL, and i race over with some other people as soon as mixed messaging finishes. with some educated guesses about the pictures on the puzzle page, guessing some phrases that lead to plausible answers, we manage to forward solve this with just 2/9 feeders at 11:09am. throughout the weekend we get a few backsolves from this (we correctly IDed 3 more answers to get the solve), but it was a little disheartening to solve a puzzle and have it go to a meta that’s long been completed. i take a break for lunch, and the early afternoon is spent keeping track of backsolve guesses and organizing other things.</p>

<h4 id="town-of-terror-kingdom-of-the-puzzmon-meta">town of terror (kingdom of the puzzmon, meta)</h4>

<p>after several false starts on this (gloucester sea monster, town of salem, …) we hit the main aha. i start chipping in around 5:32pm sat, and 15 minutes later head over to my ipad to try and draw out the paths. some others on the team get it solved at 6:24pm sat. mostly, a puzzle that juts reminds me of the <em>deep</em> cuts that exist in hunts.</p>

<h4 id="dance-of-the-bumblebee-atlas-feeder">dance of the bumblebee (atlas, feeder)</h4>

<p>buzz buzz.</p>

<p>the round gets unlocked at 12:37 fri, and i start working on this at 7:20pm sat, hanging out in vc with friends and trying to decipher what the bees are trying to say to us. we slowly churn our way through different mini-puzzles, sharing our dictionaries back and forth, and i head to bed at about 9:30pm. overnight, there’s a good amount of progress, including getting to the “meta” at 11:26pm, but some incorrect words in our dictionary throw us off. in the morning, we come back and try to clean up dictionaries, but to no avail; we grab a hint from HQ at 10:54am sun. we try to clean things up a bit from the galadriel/frodo conversation, decide it has to be a (13 7) enumeration from reading order. honestly, i’ll just share some messages:</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>ok ok so british flying vehicle something 13 7 <br />aaaaaa <br />-me, 11:53am</p>

  <p>i thought it was the world name not the vehicle name <br />
so that would make sense <br />
-person a, 12:02pm</p>

  <p>oh. hm <br />
wait liek the world with a british empire and a spaceship ? <br />
or like . what world <br />
-me, 12:03pm</p>

  <p>the (13,7) modifies world <br />
not plane <br />
-person a, 12:03pm</p>

  <p>mmm where do you think plane fits in? like you take a plane from UK to this world/location w 13,7? <br />
-person b, 12:07pm</p>

  <p>what if “text ask you” is questions? <br />
“british countries which write questions” or smth  <br />
-person a, 12:07pm</p>

  <p>??? international <br />
international as a 13 ? <br />
-me, 12:08pm</p>

  <p>yea i thought of it but unsure <br />
-person a, 12:09pm</p>

  <p>(raucous celebration keymashes, followed quickly by <code class="language-plaintext highlighter-rouge">/solved [redacted answer]</code>)</p>
</blockquote>

<p>i think the only other conlang puzzle i’d done before was <a href="https://puzzles.mit.edu/2023/abcde.puzzlefactory.place/puzzles/ted-tales"><em>ted tales</em> from ABCDE:FG</a>; i’d never really enjoyed the puflantu puzzles before in gphs — just not my cup of tea — but i just kept getting sucked into this. loved the slow grammar/vocab lessons becoming increasingly complicated to help us learn organically.</p>

<h4 id="filial-pie-tree-royal-groves-capstone">filial pie tree (royal groves, capstone)</h4>

<p>we unlock this puzzle at 2:02pm sat. i hop over here at 9:34pm; in the meantime, people have had a few ahas, connected it to PIE. my big contribution is going far enough down wiktionary rabbit holes until i found roots that made sense, and helping to line things up to extract. love a good etymology puzzle! solved at 10:08pm.</p>

<h4 id="connect-the-clans-kingdom-of-the-puzzmon-metameta">connect the clans (kingdom of the puzzmon, metameta)</h4>

<p>i’ve been keeping the little “capstone stickers” in my pocket this whole time, and when we unlock this because we solved <em>filial pie tree</em>, i rush over. our team quickly has the right series of ahas: games of thrones, making the cycle of animals, and then putting them onto the map. a lot of sheets squinting later (and after failing to place north facing north), we solve this at 10:56pm. not too bad for a metameta :) solving this unlocks terminus, but i get shooed off to bed before i can take a good close look. our runaround for this gets scheduled for 9:30am sunday, which provides a fun little break for those who were up early :)</p>

<h4 id="mixed-media-terminus-meta">mixed media (terminus, meta)</h4>

<p>i wake up on sunday at ~6am to some <em>huge</em> progress overnight: <em>terminus</em> feeders largely solved, the <em>terminus</em> meta open, <em>atlas</em> with multiple metas solved (and multiple more to do), <em>fate’s thread casino</em> + <em>the glitch</em> unlocked, and another day of puzzling ahead. the hard work for the <em>mixed media</em> has already been done (i.e., the conversions back and forth between answer forms), and i get some updates from the crew who’s still up (somehow) at 6:28am on what they’re stuck on along with the one other person who’s woken up this early. we pursue the Grammy route a bit more, and find the right songs, but don’t know what to do. at 7:31am, i make the connection to lyrics, and the puzzle is solved 4 minutes later. what a good feeling to solve a late-game meta first thing in the morning.</p>

<h4 id="playlist-atlas-of-mosaics-meta">playlist (atlas of mosaics, meta)</h4>

<p>i spend some early-morning time (9–10am sun) trying to identify the missing notes; definitely a lot worse at this than i used to be, but i take a bit of pride when the people with perfect pitch (mostly) verify my notes after they awaken :) i’d like to think my minor contribution helped a tad, and we solve this at 10:52am sun.</p>

<h4 id="point-of-view-glitch-feeder">point of view (glitch, feeder)</h4>

<p>one of the handful of puzzles i looked at sunday afternoon/evening. i think we were a bit annoyed on this, as we kept trying to extract from the small grid thinking it must be relevant, too. we kept thinking in circles until we got a hint that nudged us away from that, and only using the zoomed in grid. sigh. (unlocked sun 2:36pm, solved 5:03pm)</p>

<h4 id="snalc-eht-tcennoc-glitch-meta">snalc eht tcennoc (glitch, meta)</h4>

<p>we unlock this at 5:14pm once we solve <em>these questions are not clever</em>, and our whole team piles onto it. a fun callback to the earlier metameta, and pretty quickly we see what we need to do. i head back to our map with some teammates, while others start applying the appropriate glitch transformations. it takes us only until 5:40pm to submit the partial answer, and 11 minutes later, we’ve solved Glitchy’s puzzle and the hunt was done. our second (and fastest) finish to date, putting us in fourth!</p>

<p>some reflections on puzzles:</p>

<ul>
  <li>writing this out, it’s weird to see both how few and how many puzzles i got to meaningfully contribute to (19, per the above count). on the one hand, there were 232 puzzles in this year’s hunt, which means there were 213 puzzles i didn’t actually do anything for. (sure, i clicked into almost all of them, but i contributed very little to most.) on the other hand, i had about 38 waking hours during hunt, which means on average, puzzles i worked on were solved in 2 hours — and that’s not even including the time i spent taking naps, planning out strategy things, taking breaks, etc. and eight of them were metas/capstones! but. as always, lots of hunt that i don’t get to see: i’ve still never taken the time to do an event. maybe one day…</li>
  <li>overall, lots of really fun ahas to be had as always. the joy of being like “oh it’s this!” is so good. now that i’m doing a bit more puzzle writing, i find myself being a little more critical of puzzles (in the “i have some critiques to give” way) in a way i don’t think i have been before. (to be clear, there are not very many of these, and for the most part they’re pretty minor.)</li>
</ul>

<h2 id="nes">nes</h2>

<p>i started doing puzzlehunts in 2019 with N3XT (a group of folks from 3W/3E); we were excited to solve 30 puzzles and a meta. the next year, we merged with another next house team (TWTW from 2W/3W) to form  a next house superteam™ named NES that managed to solve a whopping 64 puzzles. we joined forces with 2MysterE (2E) in 2021 amidst the pandemic to become a supersuperteam™, and to our complete surprise, we solved 174 puzzles and placed 15th. 2022 was 18th, 2023 10th, 2024 6th/8th<sup id="fnref:2" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote" rel="footnote">3</a></sup>, 2025 we <em>finished</em> and got “4th”,<sup id="fnref:a" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:a" class="footnote" rel="footnote">4</a></sup> and 2026 4th for <em>real</em>. even though i was only a team member during the early years, it’s been wild to see how far we’ve come. i’m still somewhat shocked when other people recognize the name of our team. it’s weird hearing other people say that they’re rooting for us to <em>win</em> over the next several years. in my head, we’re still just a group of friends that gets together for puzzles during IAP, but of course, we’re now 70 people who can finish whole mystery hunts.</p>

<p>in 2023, i joined the “sheriffs” of nes, and started helping out with various organizational things. sign-up forms, trying to improve puzzle documentation and communication and team coordination, and, perhaps most saliently for team members, being one of the two strategy captains. this means i help run our State Of The Solves,<sup id="fnref:3" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote" rel="footnote">5</a></sup> try and keep apprised of how our hunt progress is going at a high level, and doing things to vaguely move our solving-power towards places where it’s most needed. i don’t think any single one of us is in “charge” of nes, but i think during hunt, me + katie (our other strategy captain) end up making many of these high-level decisions in the moment.</p>

<p>this is only the second year that NES has had strategy captains, and there’s certainly a lot that we’re still figuring out how to do. some reflections from this year:</p>

<ul>
  <li>
    <p>i think we did a pretty good job at managing the unlock queue this year. my opinion here is largely because the puzzle width<sup id="fnref:4" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:4" class="footnote" rel="footnote">6</a></sup> was less of a constraint this year, and so we had to make fewer “hard” decisions on what to unlock and where. we started hunt with a width (“puzzmon capacity”) of 8, a width that later increased to 10 (and then 12, and then 15). more importantly, unlocking Dimension rounds later in the hunt didn’t count towards that width, effectively doubling our puzzle width (or more). i also don’t think we ever got to a point where it felt like there were too <em>many</em> puzzles open — maybe i should do some stats on our width throughout the hunt.</p>

    <p>this stands in contrast to last year, where i feel like we felt much more constrained by the number of puzzles that we had unlocked at all times, and so it made for a <em>very</em> different hunt experience (and lots of people wanting something unlocked at all times).</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>a good amount of my time was spent trying to keep track of the state of our progress. at least 30 minutes around every dinner was spent prepping/doing state of the solve. and i think almost all of sunday was spent coordinating hints, trying to see where we needed more solves, and guiding people towards those places.</p>

    <p>to be clear, i do enjoy the tradeoff — it’s nice to be able to put on an organizing hat, to think through team strategies, and also just to check in on people and try and help them enjoy hunt. but just noting to myself that objectively, i spend way less time during mystery hunt actually <em>doing</em> puzzles than many other people on my team.<sup id="fnref:b" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:b" class="footnote" rel="footnote">7</a></sup></p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>making decisions once you are more tired is always very hard. as hunt goes on, and you’ve been staring at computers for 30 hours, stuck on incredibly hard puzzles, one isn’t always in the best state of mind for things. i don’t think that we did anything <em>wrong</em>, per se, but i think there are certainly ways in which i could have said things better, done things with more tact, etc etc. this especially is relevant to…</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>figuring out the right way to encourage people to use hints.<sup id="fnref:5" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:5" class="footnote" rel="footnote">8</a></sup> i sent the below paragraphs into <code class="language-plaintext highlighter-rouge">#strategy-discussion</code> before the hunt talking about our philosophy towards hints and free-solves:</p>

    <blockquote>
      <p>For hints and free-solves: we’ll be keeping the same strategy that we’ve used in previous years. In essence, this strategy is one of “let’s try our best to help people enjoy puzzling”. We’ll be using the hint system as it opens (and will have a channel for managing hints,<sup id="fnref:6" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:6" class="footnote" rel="footnote">9</a></sup> since we usually can only have one submitted at a time). For free-solves, our rule of thumb has been that if someone’s excited/actively working on a puzzle, we avoid free-solving as much as possible. We try to have dialogue between meta captains / people working on puzzle / strategy captains to see whether this is one that would help our progress if we indeed could free-solve, and always look for an “ok” from the relevant solvers that they’re ok with their puzzle being free-solved.</p>

      <p>There’s more “aggressive” versions of each of these strategies. The most direct one (that I’ve heard some other teams use) is that their strategy captain/meta captain equivalents will free-solve puzzles once they decide that they need it / progress would be too slow on it, even if there might be some excitement about it. That “do we need it” can also be done pretty aggressively, in a way that we haven’t done before. (Hints wise, I think it’s a little hard to be more “winning-oriented” than what we’re doing now, besides lowering the level of “stuck” where people ask hints. but also like . that’s no fun)</p>
    </blockquote>

    <p>of course, free-solves didn’t end up being relevant this hunt, but hints very much were. our team didn’t unlock the ability to hint until around 7pm on saturday, and figuring out the right ways to use hints on sunday was… difficult. in a sense, there’s four balancing priorities:</p>

    <ol>
      <li>people want to finish the hunt,</li>
      <li>people want to have the joy of figuring out a puzzle,</li>
      <li>people want to be done with a puzzle where they feel completely stuck and where nothing’s moving, and</li>
      <li>people don’t want to sit around doing nothing.</li>
    </ol>

    <p>objectively, we didn’t hint very much: 9 hints requested (with 2 follow ups for clarification),<sup id="fnref:c" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:c" class="footnote" rel="footnote">10</a></sup> and one in-person nudge on the alphabet meta. but subjectively, it did feel like we ended up being fairly aggressive in terms of encouraging people to hint, particularly on sunday. (i’m especially thinking about 2 particular feeders in the <em>glitch</em> round that probably could have been done sans hint with another few hours of puzzle time.)</p>

    <p>our (as in, me + katie, NES’ other strategy captain) in-the-moment decisions boiled down to:</p>

    <ol>
      <li>
        <p>our width was quite small (3 puzzles), meaning lots of people on very few puzzles,</p>
      </li>
      <li>
        <p>the glitch meta being an unknown difficulty, and us needing more puzzles to unlock it (at 5/9 solved we thought we’d need 1 more, but then we got to 6/9 and still needed another),</p>
      </li>
      <li>
        <p>not knowing if a metameta came after the glitch meta, and</p>
      </li>
      <li>
        <p>cardinality encouraging us to be aggressive with hints.</p>
      </li>
    </ol>

    <p>and so on balance, items 1, 3, and 4 made us decide that hints were worth it, and led to a good amount of encouraging to hint after it seemed like people weren’t making progress, but still leaving it up to the puzzle-doers to actually write up/submit a hint.</p>

    <p>in hindsight, we likely could have finished the hunt without hints on those two puzzles, and so the fact that we encouraged hinting when those hints might otherwise not have been taken doesn’t feel great. i do think that, on net, taking those hints was a right decision in that moment. not necessarily the only one, of course. but so goes trying to make any choice.</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>where does NES go from here? like i said above — i’ve heard multiple people (not on NES) say that they’re rooting for NES to win hunt sometime in the next several years. we’re somewhere near the top (if not first)<sup id="fnref:7" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:7" class="footnote" rel="footnote">11</a></sup> on a ranking that’s a combination of {recent mit graduates/low in age, does well in hunts}. about half of the people that filled out our census poll were a class of 2020/2021/2022.</p>

    <p>for the first time ever, our sign-up form had a survey to collect people’s thoughts on winning. by and large, people don’t feel ready yet, but are excited to do the things that would help them feel ready (i.e., writing more puzzles) — a few years ago, we started writing a NES hunt, and though momentum sputtered, we’re planning to get back on that this year with some internal potlucks and whatnot.</p>

    <p>there seems to be a decent amount of excitement to someday actually win. if all goes well, of starting to actively try and win come 2028+. of course, this is all thinking years in advance, and we’ll see how trying to write potlucks and hunts goes, and people would have to want to do things when we get there, and we’d have to actually <em>win</em> (certainly no guarantees on that), but there’s are worlds where we win in the next 5–10 years that aren’t very farfetched.</p>

    <p>it’s a bit weird to think about it all. people make such a big deal about winning hunt, and writing the next one, in a way that feels a bit unsustainable as a practice. (i’ve heard some stories of people that took a year sabbatical from their jobs just to write hunt, though i doubt that’s something i’ll be able to do.) sure, it’s incredibly grand in scale and there are thousands and thousands of people hours needed to write and test hundreds of puzzles. but also, between the ESP and theater backgrounds of our leadership team, i feel like we’d be able to figure it out.</p>
  </li>
</ul>

<p>as always, shoutouts to all the sheriffs (Katie, Mary, Michael, Mihir, Mindren, Zach) for being such great people to run NES with, and for putting so much into this team (non-exhaustive list of things done this year: swag, NESbot, thinking about running hunts/helping people practice writing puzzles, hauling snacks around, discussions on strategies and team goals, having a crate of NES items year-round in their house, coordinating subteams on NES to help with other things, and making NES a lovely place).</p>

<p>here’s to more NES. no end (in) sight :)</p>

<h2 id="hunt-overall">hunt overall</h2>

<p>various other observations on this year’s hunt.</p>

<ul>
  <li>
    <p>so many cool physical objects. <em>puzzmon the card game</em> was incredible, both as a game and in terms of production value. so was the faux-tamagotchi and the hot sauce puzzle (while not for me, i’m sure it’s somebody’s idea of fun)</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>the scavenger hunt giving RP which was used to unlock puzzles was a great way of making scavenger tasks feel more organic and necessary, rather than something that you only use once. they certainly fell off in terms of usefulness as time went on, but i think that is ok</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>as someone who didn’t go to events, the concept of having many smaller events throughout is super interesting. it’s certainly more of an onus for smaller teams, but it let a lot more people engage in events than in most hunt years. good or bad, depending on whatever a (hunting) team’s goal is (and i do think it is a net good for the overall experience of IRL teams)</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>i quite enjoyed the gimmicks of various dimension rounds, particularly <em>land of no name</em> (though i didn’t solve anything there) and <em>atlas</em>. do hope to go back to the latter and check out rounds i didn’t do</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>i’m realizing that i enjoy hunt stories more when they have lots of real-life interaction. i understand why the choices get made to not do this, and that hunts without a lot of real-life interaction have their own enjoyable things, but i think i have enough mystery hunts under my belt to feel more confident in the existence of this opinion</p>
  </li>
</ul>

<h2 id="various-miscellany">various miscellany</h2>

<ul>
  <li>
    <p>“PULL PULL PULL PULL PULL PULL PULL”</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>i wore a nessie costume for almost all of hunt. it will make a return. that is all</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>apparently, flame-grilled steak chips are not so bad. jalapeno candy canes are, though</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>“i assume you are-“ <br />“yeah i’m one of the she-“<br />“capable of opening that bag”</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>how upsetting to see so many people wrong<img src="https://padajar.com/assets/images/2026-01-27-phi.png" alt="img" /></p>
  </li>
</ul>

<p>very excited for next year’s providence hunt! i don’t quite know how next year’s hunt will be for me, though — i’ll unfortunately be on the econ job market, and interview/flyout season is right around January, so i might need to take a step back out of necessity. but i hope that if i do, it won’t be a big step, because after all, hunt is <em>fun</em>.</p>

<p>see you in 2027!</p>

<div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes">
  <ol>
    <li id="fn:1" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>which is. a lot. look, i’m in boston, in my 20s, and am queer? yeah absolutely i know people who subscribe to dropout. it’s stranger when people <em>aren’t</em> subscribed <a href="#fnref:1" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:d" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>errata: previously thought we didn’t get the ahas, but we did! wahoo <a href="#fnref:d" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:2" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>depending on what metric you used. 8th by number of solves at end of hunt, but we were the first team to post-solve the hunt and get a virtual runaround :) <a href="#fnref:2" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:a" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>well, 4th-ish — d+m stopped officially ranking people after 2nd, due to the volume of hints they gave out beyond that point <a href="#fnref:a" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:3" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>our version of team-wide announcements to keep everyone apprised of events <a href="#fnref:3" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:4" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>number of puzzles open at a given time <a href="#fnref:4" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:b" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>something something comparative advantages? but also, i do actually just enjoy getting to be in this role. support characters ftw. <a href="#fnref:b" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:5" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>or free-solves, though this wasn’t applicable this year. <a href="#fnref:5" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:6" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>this did not end up happening because of only unlocking hints so late . oop <a href="#fnref:6" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:c" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>per the cardinality AMA, among the 15 teams that finished hunt, <a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/mysteryhunt/comments/1qm4hue/comment/o1ntzhe/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web3x&amp;utm_name=web3xcss&amp;utm_term=1&amp;utm_content=share_button">the median number of hints was 10, and the floor was 0</a> (i’m under the impression that the top 2 teams used 0, but perhaps none other?) <a href="#fnref:c" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:7" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>though wahoo!, a team formed this year by some undergrad puzzle club members, hopefully gives a chance for some younger ones to take the reins — they did very well and i’m very much rooting for them <a href="#fnref:7" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
  </ol>
</div>]]></content><author><name>phi adajar</name></author><category term="miscellany" /><category term="puzzles" /><category term="mystery hunt" /><summary type="html"><![CDATA[sometimes i do really strange things for fun]]></summary></entry><entry><title type="html">taking your medicine</title><link href="https://padajar.com/2026/01/21/taking-your-medicine/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="taking your medicine" /><published>2026-01-21T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2026-01-21T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://padajar.com/2026/01/21/taking-your-medicine</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://padajar.com/2026/01/21/taking-your-medicine/"><![CDATA[<p>I cannot stand the sound of Velcro.</p>

<p>It does to me what I can only imagine “nails on a chalkboard” does to other people. There’s a discomfort that sits behind my ears, near the base of my skull, and I find myself completely unable to focus on anything except that awful, awful tearing noise. Even writing this sentence, imagining the sound of peeling Velcro makes it hard to focus on what word comes next.</p>

<p>The number of Velcro shoes I had as a child was very few, and honestly, each one was one too many. I avoid it at all costs in anything I buy. Give me a button, a zipper, a clasp — but dear God, no Velcro.</p>

<p>There are plenty of things as a child I used to absolutely abhor. Sure, there was the classic thing of being a picky eater, which I’ve slowly gotten over. But there were also several other far more … <em>interesting</em> ones. I had a compulsion to keep things on my body symmetric — I’d sit in one position, and a few minutes later, switch to a perfectly mirrored pose. I mentally kept track of my steps on tiled surfaces to make sure that each foot touched a similar number of colored tiles and cracks. I was somewhat of a germaphobe — I distinctly remember washing my basketball in the sink after playing with it outside because it had gotten dirty, not to mention the handwashing followed by opening doors with my forearms.</p>

<p>Remnants of those behaviors still keep on in my soul. I will notice if something’s asymmetric for too long. If you pay attention, you <em>will</em> notice subtle changes in my gait across tiled floors. Nonetheless, it’s interesting to see the ways in which I’ve learned to grow comfortable with things that used to give me discomfort. Not all, though.</p>

<hr />

<p>In my senior year of college, I had a chat with someone on the tables outside of New City Microcreamery. We talked a bit about my economics journey, the paths she was considering, what advice I might have having just gone through the PhD application process, and the ways that we chose to do things at MIT. At some point in talking about “how do you feel about graduate school”, we circled around to nervousness, and what made us feel that.</p>

<p>There’s a lot of really “classic” things I don’t get nervous about. Public speaking has been fine to me for a very long while. I’ve been told that I generally seem very comfortable when I’m talking to many people, though largely, I feel like it’s come through just doing it gazillions of times, a brief dip into consulting, some acting things, and just going up into the front of a room and entering a fugue state for an hour. In similar veins, I’ve felt pretty comfortable in improv, in messing up, and others. Perhaps the biggest example I had back then was when I jumped out of my comfort zone into the deep end by doing a 5-day hackathon in a literal glass box, which sure, was new and different, but not exactly “nerve-racking”.</p>

<p>In the immediate aftermath of that conversation, I got to thinking about what actually <em>did</em> make me nervous, what makes me uncomfortable. That list goes on for a long while. But it’s interesting how nothing came to mind in that moment.</p>

<hr />

<p>After I stopped doing piano lessons, I “played” songs by looking up the chords online and playing something that remotely sounded like the song. (I learned later this is basically how lead sheets and fake books work, and I was turning myself into a jazz musician.) But I restricted myself almost exclusively to major and minor chords, rarely hitting 7th chords (of any kind), let alone a suspended chord or something with upper extensions.</p>

<p>Many chords, in isolation, are jarring. Take, for example, <a href="https://jguitar.com/chordsearch?chordsearch=Fdim&amp;labels=none">Fdim</a>, <a href="https://jguitar.com/chordsearch?chordsearch=Bb%2B&amp;labels=none">Bbaug</a>, or <a href="https://jguitar.com/chordsearch/E7%239%2FB">E7#9/B</a>. Out of context, I personally think these chords are super gnarly. They’re grating, <em>designed</em> with dissonance in mind. Two of them have tritones, “the devil’s interval”, within them. And yet, if you play these chords in the right context, it all sounds perfect. (Specifically, you can hear them in You’ve Got A Friend In Me (under “ever” <a href="https://youtu.be/0hG-2tQtdlE?si=HET_S7aAgPDnx-3x&amp;t=80">here</a>), Vienna (opening chord <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wccRif2DaGs">here</a>), and New York State of Mind (under “taking” <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5LkGKJDc3Q&amp;t=71">here</a>). Whatever tension these chords have, it <em>pulls</em> you to a new place, a place that just feels natural to move to because of where you were before.</p>

<p>Someone trying to force a metaphor may say it represents the fact that we need to be uncomfortable to appreciate the things that are comforting. But that feels overwrought to me — it’s just that I’m growing to appreciate the dissonance in this one particular setting.</p>

<hr />

<p>Why do we do things that we don’t like?</p>

<ul>
  <li>Sometimes, it’s because we have to. I mean, just take the phrase “grunt work”. We we might not like it, but we need to meet some deadline, or pass some class, or make something happen. More broadly, this can be because of some sense of <em>obligation</em> to someone else, an organization, society at large. Of course, that obligation can be real or fake — take, for example, the fear that you’ll be judged so harshly if every detail on your presentation isn’t picture perfect, or if you told a friend that you’d go to their performance even if you don’t enjoy ballet.</li>
  <li>Sometimes, it’s because there’s something on the other side of it that we want. That last example could fit in this bucket if you want to be good friends with someone, and this is a way to show that you value that friendship. Maybe it’s that you work out even though you know you’ll be uncomfortable being sore the next day. Or taking medicine to feel better even if it might taste bad.<sup id="fnref:1" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote" rel="footnote">1</a></sup>  Or sitting at a piano doing drills because you want to be better at it. Or, for some grad students — grinding away on research in hopes of landing a job you really like.</li>
  <li>Sometimes, it’s because we haven’t thought about the fact that we don’t like it enough, and never bothered to change, or we’re too stubborn to replace it. Like a shirt that you hang onto while being in denial of the fact that it’s becoming increasingly threadbare. Or the stereotypical “mid-life crisis” , where you look up one day and realize you’re not happy being a cog in a machine.</li>
</ul>

<hr />

<p>There are things in life I avoid.</p>

<p>For example, I still haven’t restarted my trivia-learning in earnest, or my Scrabble-learning, or trying my hand at writing a crossword in earnest.<sup id="fnref:5" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:5" class="footnote" rel="footnote">2</a></sup> I know these goals would be lovely in theory — but am I not willing to put in the work? Am I scared I’ll fail? Or is what I tell myself true, and it really is just a lack of time (or, more accurately, an unwillingness to prioritize it above other things)?</p>

<hr />

<p>I’ve realized throughout grad school that my work feels best if I stop working the moment I don’t want to do something anymore.</p>

<p>Partly, this is just how I’ve gone through life — it’s the ethos that took me through high school, then through undergrad, and finally getting into grad school. I just kept choosing things I enjoyed, and slowly, those haphazard steps started moving in a direction.<sup id="fnref:2" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote" rel="footnote">3</a></sup> Some say that you need to love research in order to choose grad school, but that certainly wasn’t true for me. To be clear, I didn’t (and don’t) <em>hate</em> research, but I also didn’t know if I would want it to be my career, the thing I do for work every single day.</p>

<p>There have been times in grad school where I’ve been really excited about work. Thinking about running education programs brings me back to my ESP days. Thinking about the big questions of “how should admissions systems work” leads to such cool discussions. I wrote a Stata package to implement <a href="https://padajar.com/2025/03/15/mdrd/">MDRD</a>. I worked on extensive documentation for a project. I read up on CS papers to understand how to efficiently implement an estimator. I made a <a href="https://padajar.com/2025/05/02/padajar-templates/">LaTeX template</a>. I went out of my way to talk to people who are doing work that I find interesting.</p>

<p>There are also times where I don’t feel like working. Every time I’ve had to push through that has felt … not great. To be clear, I know that work can’t always be sunshine and roses, and sometimes, you need to “take your medicine”. There’s times a paper has to get done, and it feels like grunt work to edit and rewrite, to dot your i’s, and make something into a final version. There’s times that you need to do infinite robustness checks, even though you might feel you have enough evidence. I’ve been told that it is far easier to start new projects than to complete them, and I’m starting to see the truth in that statement.</p>

<p>But I do try to avoid that feeling as much as I can. Sometimes, I’ll have a day that’s just not shaping out to be one where I’m excited. And usually, I’ll stop, and just come back the next day. And sometime that feeling takes longer to go away, and other times shorter; I’m lucky to be in a position where I’m able to follow that instinct. It also means that I feel a tad bit obligated to follow the motivation when it hits me hard — it’s much rarer, of course, but sometimes I can’t stop thinking about how I’d want to look at something, or I want to read a book to understand more of the cultural context behind something I’m studying.</p>

<hr />

<p>Every year, I get together with about 75 other people, many of them friends from my undergrad dorm, and do the MIT Mystery Hunt. If you’ve never heard of it (or puzzle hunts before), each of the following could reasonably be a puzzle you encounter:</p>

<ul>
  <li>You’re trying to solve a crossword puzzle. But they neglected to attach a diagram. Also, each clue has an extra letter. So does each entry. But somehow, you need put it together.</li>
  <li>A jigsaw puzzle, but the picture is blank, and it can be made 6 different ways, and each way it gets made has a hidden message.</li>
  <li>A set of assorted pictures that seemingly have nothing to do with each other. What you didn’t know at first was that each image obliquely clues a song by Neil Ciciriega.</li>
</ul>

<p>None of these will have any instructions. And from each puzzle, you’re supposed to find a single word or short phrase for an answer. Take anywhere from 5 to 20 of those answers together, and use them to solve a “metapuzzle”. And put maybe 10 metapuzzle answers together to solve a metameta.</p>

<p>MIT Mystery Hunt is the largest, hardest, and wildest hunt in existence. It runs from Friday to Monday over MLK Jr. weekend. Thousands of competitors, some on teams with more than 150 members. Anywhere from (usually) 150–200 puzzles.</p>

<p>It’s absurd.</p>

<p>The simple goal, of course, is to finish. (Our team’s managed to do it twice to date.) However, finishing first comes with an extra “prize”: writing the next year’s hunt. The phrase most often used when you learn that someone’s one is “congratudolences”. Writing hunt is a whole year of work for hundreds of people. I’ve heard some stories of some people (usually a software engineer who’s ready for a sabbatical) who quit their jobs <em>just</em> because they’re running hunt.</p>

<p>The big question to ask of course, is why? Why would I subject myself to this? It’s basically 3 straight days of keeping my brain fully on, toiling away at puzzles, helping guide our team’s strategy, getting way less sleep than I normally do, and on occasion, dealing with other’s slightly shot emotional states when we both are sleep deprived, tired, cranky, and feeling hopelessly stuck.</p>

<p>I’ve been asking myself this question since 2019, the first year that I hunted with NES.  We started out as an <em>incredibly</em> uncompetitive team,<sup id="fnref:3" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote" rel="footnote">4</a></sup> and I started out as someone who popped in and thought about a few puzzles. Over the years, not only have we gotten better, but my relationship with hunting has become one in which I set aside my entire weekend and become entirely unreachable, and might pull an all-nighter for fun. Nowadays, we’re one of the bigger teams. The last two years, we’ve placed in fourth. Fourth.</p>

<p>I’ve heard people talk about the fact that we might win in the next several years. And I think we’ll want to, once we feel sufficiently ready. And it’s weird to be in that position when just seven years ago we were excited about solving 30 puzzles and one meta.</p>

<p>But why? Why do I do this? Why in the world would I possibly be excited for the potential of running a hunt? I could just go off to a beach for a long weekend, play games with friends, read a book, be a couch potato. Why do I do hard things — and in particular, <em>this</em> hard thing?</p>

<ul>
  <li>
    <p>It’s nice to be able to work on something hard, but knowing that there <em>is</em> an answer if you just have the right “a-ha”. It stands in stark contrast to research, something also very difficult but with an incredibly amorphous end goal. Of course, Hunt also comes with spending dozens of hours staring at a computer screen feeling like you’re getting nowhere.</p>

    <p>As I write this, I’m wondering how much of a parallel this has to high school math competitions for me, in the sense that they’re also very constrained/contrived things, but with right answers at the end of the day. But I think that some of the other reasons ring more true for that, such as…</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>The social interaction of getting to do something together. A decent chunk of people I know from Next House come back to Boston just for hunt, and it’s always lovely talking about how we’ve been and being able to exist around each other again.. Of course, there’s usually not that much time for catching up because we’re stuck doing puzzles the entire time. But it’s still good to see them. Or, for those that don’t fly in, to chat over Discord.</p>

    <p>While also somewhat true, this also isn’t everything. I have lots of friends on NES, but for the most part, they weren’t my close friends in undergrad. Those people are usually on other teams, if they hunt at all — of course, I try to make some time to see them during the weekend, but the weekend is not primarily spent hanging out with people. If I wanted that, I’d just be taking trips to NYC or SF to see all the friends that live there.</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>Feeling smart? A sense of pride and achievement? The wording isn’t quite right here, but I think it boils down to the fact that having that “a-ha” moment can be <em>so</em> satisfying.</p>

    <p>Of course, this also isn’t quite it, because these days, I spend a <em>lot</em> of the weekend not actually solving puzzles. I’m checking in on logistics, seeing if there’s any puzzles that haven’t been touched, helping coordinate documentation collaboration with our remote crew, and saying words at our “State of the Solve” recaps every few hours. If I wanted the “feeling smart” bit, I wouldn’t do any of that, and I’d just spend the whole time solving puzzles.</p>
  </li>
</ul>

<p>Part of the impetus for finishing up this blog (which has been in the works for several months) is that hunt happened this last weekend, and I set aside 72 hours to just do puzzles, and the fact is that I <em>was</em> excited for it.</p>

<p>At the end of the day, there is just something fun about it that I can’t pin down. And maybe that’s all that I can say about it.</p>

<hr />

<p>A few things that I take active discomfort in that is very hard to stop feeling:</p>

<ul>
  <li>Specific types of self-reflection. This largely comes about when I’m forced to listen to myself — like many people, hearing a recording of my own voice just sounds <em>wrong</em>. I’ve gotten over this somewhat because of a cappella and voice training, for which improvement largely relies on listening to yourself repeatedly. And these days, I think I’m fairly fine with doing this, but it still feels <em>wrong</em> whenever I hear it.</li>
  <li>Being seen negatively by others — I mean, who doesn’t? But in particular, I think i really dislike being seen as someone who doesn’t care about others, someone who isn’t competent at the things I want to be competent in (largely socioemotional things; I’m very fine with asking questions when I don’t understand something), and someone who is not friendly.</li>
  <li>Some things related to gender and transitioning — this isn’t the right place to talk about these things, but what’s true for many people is also true for me, in broad strokes.</li>
</ul>

<hr />

<p>The choice to do something reveals something about who you are. It reflects the values you hold, and impacts the ways those values evolve over time.</p>

<p>It’s interesting to view my life through this lens because so many of my decisions are not made with the long-term picture in mind. This isn’t to say that they’re careless, of course; I’d like to think that my many blogs thinking through big decisions disavows that notion entirely. But because I end up making so many decisions based on what I enjoy in the moment, taking the natural next step, I often find myself recognizing patterns in retrospect that I didn’t observe when the choice was made.</p>

<hr />

<p>Of course, “doing difficult things” is epitomized very, very deeply by the often-masochistic culture of MIT. People feel a need to always be busy (even if it’s not competitive), want to prove to themselves they can take a courseload with umpteen units, taking the hard version of a course even if it has no actual tangible benefit, and so on.</p>

<p>I certainly wasn’t immune to this all. I took hard classes I didn’t need to. I kept myself <em>so</em> busy<sup id="fnref:4" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:4" class="footnote" rel="footnote">5</a></sup> All The Time. And of course, I chose MIT in the first place, an institution known for the fact that every class, at baseline, is hard.</p>

<p>I think sometimes about alternate worlds where this didn’t happen. Where, for example, I went to Anonymous University X for undergrad instead of MIT. Impossible to know the counterfactuals, of course, but I suspect what would have happened was that I would have wanted to keep pushing myself, do a double major, be a part of a bajillion clubs, and more. I’d have found my own way to make it hard for me.</p>

<p>And at the end of the day, I don’t think I know why that is.</p>

<p>One of the things I’ve always thought was a bit odd about this all is that I don’t think I’m <em>ambitious</em>. There’s a lot of related words that I think <em>are</em> true. Enthusiastic. Energetic. “An endless battery”. A desire to do things (good things, and to care about those things).</p>

<p>But not ambitious. To me, ambition has some connotations that aren’t as true, like a willingness to do things even when you’re not intrinsically motivated, just because you want to pursue some larger goal (usually associated with <em>achieving</em> something). Ambition feels like it necessitates some level of self-sacrifice. And at the end of the day, that’s just not me. That’s not medicine I’m willing to take.</p>

<p>I don’t quite know how to pin down what drives me instead. There’s some amount of it that’s just trying to bring some joy to the people around me. Having moments that make me smile. Caring about other people, making their lives better. Teaching, and helping get people excited about learning. Community.</p>

<p>These drives are amorphous, they move around a lot, and all are situation-dependent. And I think it’s why I’ve just found myself letting my instincts decide what I want to do, and seeing the patterns that emerge afterwards. And all things considered, it’s led me to a spot where I think I do feel happy.</p>

<p>I hope that still remains the case next year, once all the dust has settled and I know what I’m doing after grad school. Who knows what that’ll turn out to be.</p>

<hr />

<p>I’ve realized recently that I would, in fact, be sad to move out of Boston in a year and a half. I’ve lived in this city for nearly a third of my life. I navigate the streets with ease, have friends all over town, and I really do feel like I’m home here. Maybe I’ll try to stay.</p>

<p>There are, of course, some downsides, like being in a bubble, not exploring more, and the winters. Winter can be great — I love waking up and seeing a winter wonderland outside. But those days happen less and less, and instead, I’m just left with chapped lips, frozen ears, and a heart that yearns for warmth and sun.</p>

<p>And, of course, the most important downside — it seems every single winter coat uses Velcro to tighten fabric around your wrists.</p>

<div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes">
  <ol>
    <li id="fn:1" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>to be honest, i only ever had medicine that tasted bad once. for the most part, i got to drink children’s motrin and whatnot, which always tasted like getting to stay home for a day. but one time on a trip i got sick, and had to take adult medicine, and without thinking bit into a naproxen pill. i do not recommend. <a href="#fnref:1" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:5" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>since writing this statement in ~september 2025, i now actually have written one! and a bunch of other puzzles too! <a href="#fnref:5" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:2" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>This is the ethos of one of my favorite MIT Admissions blog posts, petey’s <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/applying_sideways/">applying sideways</a>, as well as a theme present in my posts of <a href="/2021/03/16/continuing/">continuing</a> and <a href="/2021/04/20/leaning-in/">leaning in</a>). <a href="#fnref:2" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:3" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>as evidence of the fact that we weren’t very good: our team name comes from a wrong answer i and two friends submitted way back in 2019. we’d gotten to the end of the puzzle, and knew the answer phrase was 3 words long, started with “national”, ended with “service”, and had a middle word meaning “to wear away”. we submitted National Erosion Service, which, wildly enough, was incorrect. <a href="#fnref:3" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:4" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>during the worst-offending semester, I was leading 2 clubs, TAing, taking 5 classes, and I’m pretty sure doing a UROP + looking for internships? yikes. do <strong>not</strong> recommend <a href="#fnref:4" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
  </ol>
</div>]]></content><author><name>phi adajar</name></author><category term="miscellany" /><category term="thinking" /><category term="work" /><category term="self" /><category term="life" /><category term="puzzles" /><category term="music" /><category term="long" /><category term="grad school" /><category term="busyness" /><category term="choices" /><category term="meaning" /><summary type="html"><![CDATA[on living with discomfort]]></summary></entry><entry><title type="html">stata snark</title><link href="https://padajar.com/2025/06/20/stata-snark/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="stata snark" /><published>2025-06-20T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2025-06-20T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://padajar.com/2025/06/20/stata-snark</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://padajar.com/2025/06/20/stata-snark/"><![CDATA[<p>Stata, the coding language of choice for many economists, has been described to me by others as “opaque”, “a fake coding language”, and “that weird software economists use”. Personally, I think Stata is actually quite good at a lot of different things, though that scope is certainly more limited than, say, R or Python.</p>

<p>But one place where Stata shines is in its manual. Sure, it has very in-depth explanations, and thorough documentation, but that’s not the part of the manual I appreciate the most.</p>

<p>Stata’s manual is, in various nooks and crannies, snarky, playful, and entertaining. Here’s a collection of a few recent favorites.</p>

<hr />

<h5 id="help-line"><code class="language-plaintext highlighter-rouge">help line</code></h5>

<blockquote>
  <p>Be sure that the data are in the order of the x variable, or specify line’s sort option.  If you do neither, you will get something that looks like the scribblings of a child.</p>
</blockquote>

<h5 id="help-memory">help memory</h5>

<blockquote>
  <p>Niceness 10 corresponds to being totally nice.  Niceness 0 corresponds to being an inconsiderate, self-centered, totally selfish jerk.</p>
</blockquote>

<p>(later in documentation)</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>[explanation of weird things that happen with Linux and memory]</p>

  <p>What this means is that Stata requests memory from Linux, Linux says yes, and then later when Stata uses that memory, the memory might not be available and Linux crashes Stata, or worse.</p>

  <p>The Linux documentation writer exercised admirable restraint. This bug can cause Linux itself to crash. It is easy.</p>

  <p>The proponents of this behavior call it “optimistic memory allocation”. We will, like the documentation writer, refer to it as a bug.</p>
</blockquote>

<h5 id="help-twoway-dot"><code class="language-plaintext highlighter-rouge">help twoway dot</code></h5>

<blockquote>
  <p>twoway dot is of little, if any use.  We cannot think of a use for it, but perhaps someday, somewhere, someone will.  We have nothing against the dot plot used with categorical data – see <code class="language-plaintext highlighter-rouge">[G-2] graph dot</code> for a useful command – but using the dot plot in a twoway context would be bizarre.  It is nonetheless included for logical completeness.</p>
</blockquote>

<h5 id="cd-remarks-and-examples"><code class="language-plaintext highlighter-rouge">cd</code>, remarks and examples</h5>

<blockquote>
  <p>Invoking an application and then changing folders is an action foreign to most Mac users.</p>
</blockquote>

<h5 id="sem"><code class="language-plaintext highlighter-rouge">sem</code></h5>

<p>(h/t @<a href="https://x.com/JoannaRMathias/status/1424850114657480732?s=19">JoannaRMathias</a> on Twitter<sup id="fnref:1" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote" rel="footnote">1</a></sup>)</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>There are three generic solutions to convergence problems that we will use:</p>

  <p><em>G1. The improved-starting-values procedure:</em>
Obtain the current parameter values from a failed attempt, modify those lousy values to make them better, use the improved values as starting values to try to fit the model again, and repeat as necessary.</p>

  <p><em>G2. The alternative-starting-values procedure:</em>
Simplify the model to produce an easier-to-fit model, fit the simplified model, use the simplified model’s solution as starting values to fit the original, more complicated model, and repeat as necessary.</p>

  <p><em>G3. The alternative-software-logic procedure:</em>
Specify strange options that make the software behave differently in hopes that a different approach will produce a solution. <code class="language-plaintext highlighter-rouge">sem</code> does not have any such strange options, but <code class="language-plaintext highlighter-rouge">gsem</code> does. In following this approach, it does not matter whether we in fact understand what we are doing because, once we find a solution, we can obtain the parameter values from the successful model and use those values as starting values to fit the model without the strange and confusing options.</p>
</blockquote>

<hr />

<p>As I find more, I’ll keep adding to this page. Feel free to also send me favorites and they, too, may be added :)</p>

<div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes">
  <ol>
    <li id="fn:1" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>i refuse on principle to call it the other name <a href="#fnref:1" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
  </ol>
</div>]]></content><author><name>phi adajar</name></author><category term="miscellany" /><category term="economics" /><category term="stata" /><summary type="html"><![CDATA[Stata, the coding language of choice for many economists, has been described to me by others as “opaque”, “a fake coding language”, and “that weird software economists use”. Personally, I think Stata is actually quite good at a lot of different things, though that scope is certainly more limited than, say, R or Python.]]></summary></entry><entry><title type="html">padajar-templates</title><link href="https://padajar.com/2025/05/02/padajar-templates/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="padajar-templates" /><published>2025-05-02T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2025-05-02T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://padajar.com/2025/05/02/padajar-templates</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://padajar.com/2025/05/02/padajar-templates/"><![CDATA[<p><a href="/2021/07/04/pset-template/">a few years ago</a>, i made a $\LaTeX$ setup to help me format my grad school psets. it’s been pretty successful — it helped me keep my psets organized, got a couple of compliments and “hey what template are you using”, and even a few random emails here and there.</p>

<p>but as someone who’s no longer taking classes, most $\LaTeX$ documents i write these days aren’t problem sets — they’re either slides or memos. and so figured it was time to make some new templates for those.</p>

<p>after some work (much of which was procrasti-productivity when i had to be doing other stuff), i have <em>finally</em> created some new templates that supersede the old paolo-pset — introducing, <a href="https://github.com/padajar/padajar-templates/tree/main">padajar-templates</a>!</p>

<object data="https://padajar.com/assets/docs/padajar-templates.pdf" type="application/pdf" width="700px" height="700px">
    <embed src="https://padajar.com/assets/docs/padajar-templates.pdf" />
        <p>looks like you can't see this PDF in-browser for some reason. Click <a href="https://padajar.com/assets/docs/padajar-templates.pdf">this link</a> to download the PDF.</p>
    &lt;/embed&gt;
</object>

<p>these templates are now available on github under a mit license. a few extra design notes of interest that i didn’t include in the above pdf:</p>

<ul>
  <li>everything uses IBM Plex, which is the same font i use on my website and my cv. yay for consistent branding!</li>
  <li>ashamed to admit it took far too long to figure out where exactly to put this in my texlive installations. oof.</li>
  <li>yes, it is based on the same orange theme as my website. however, given the thinness of the font, i’ve also made it just a <em>tad</em> darker.</li>
</ul>

<p>anyways, hope this gets some mileage from some poeple!</p>]]></content><author><name>phi adajar</name></author><category term="education" /><category term="latex" /><category term="psets" /><summary type="html"><![CDATA[new and shiny LaTeX formats (for memos, problem sets, and slides)]]></summary></entry><entry><title type="html">an mdrd primer</title><link href="https://padajar.com/2025/03/15/mdrd/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="an mdrd primer" /><published>2025-03-15T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2025-03-15T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://padajar.com/2025/03/15/mdrd</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://padajar.com/2025/03/15/mdrd/"><![CDATA[<h2 id="intro">intro</h2>

<p>for the last few years, i’ve been using centralized matching procedures to understand the impacts of schools on their students. the “state-of-the-art” methodology for this is a series of papers written by my advisor and coauthors:</p>

<ul>
  <li>Research Design Meets Market Design: Using Centralized Assignment for Impact Evaluation (Abdulkadiroğlu, Angrist, Narita, and Pathak, 2017) (<a href="https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.3982/ECTA13925">link</a>)</li>
  <li>Breaking Ties: Regression Discontinuity Design Meets Market Design (Abdulkadiroğlu, Angrist, Narita, and Pathak, 2022) (<a href="https://www.econometricsociety.org/publications/econometrica/2022/01/01/breaking-ties-regression-discontinuity-design-meets-market">link</a>)</li>
</ul>

<p>within <a href="https://blueprintlabs.mit.edu/">Blueprint Labs</a> (where i’m a research associate), we generally refer to these papers as MDRD1 and MDRD2, respectively.</p>

<p>these papers definitely took me a while to understand; i saw them first in year one of grad school, and have since worked to code it up for various projects over the years. three years later, i think they’re some of the papers i understand the <em>most</em>, and i think it’s useful for me to put into words how i understand and teach the paper to help others use it.</p>

<p>this post is focused on the first of these papers (MDRD1). i’m hoping to write another post sometime soon about how MDRD2 works, for which this post will be required reading :)</p>

<p>this post is divided into various sections:</p>

<ul>
  <li><strong>intro</strong>: you’re reading it now! it sets up some preliminaries for this post, including what background you should have and the setting of school choice.</li>
  <li><strong>why is mdrd useful</strong>: some background on why these papers even matter, and how they get used.</li>
  <li><strong>calculating propensity scores from deferred acceptance</strong>: the meat of mdrd. this is divided into several sections.
    <ul>
      <li><strong>settings 1–3</strong> teach the bulk of MDRD1, where all schools admit students by some type of lottery.</li>
      <li><strong>two quick asides</strong> discuss some propensity score properties and how to handle priority groups.</li>
    </ul>
  </li>
  <li><strong>bringing it home</strong>: give the formulas derived in the last section, how do we take this to real data? why does this work? what doesn’t it do well?</li>
  <li><strong>conclusion:</strong> some parting thoughts.</li>
  <li><strong>a future post:</strong> MDRD2, where we now allow schools to admit students using a “screened” score, like an audition, test, etc. if you don’t have any such schools, MDRD1 is all you need!</li>
</ul>

<h3 id="whos-this-for--prereqs">who’s this for + prereqs</h3>

<p>the intended audience of this post is decently wide. i’ve tried to keep it at a level where an undergrad who has taken econometrics can understand what’s going on (so long as they also know deferred acceptance). i think it’s also useful more broadly for researchers, who are looking to understand the MDRD papers at a deep level and implement them in their research. this guide will start from the ground up, and so there may be some parts you skim, but i think it can be useful for understanding what’s going and figuring out to put it into practice.</p>

<p>unfortunately, this post isn’t quite “for everyone”. of course, anyone is welcome to read it — i have explicitly tried to make the material as accessible as possible — but for you to get the most out of it, there’s a few econ/math concepts you really should know.</p>

<ul>
  <li>(a must) you know how student-proposing deferred acceptance works. (sometimes, this is known as the <a href="https://www.wikiwand.com/en/articles/Gale%E2%80%93Shapley_algorithm">gale-shapley algorithm</a> for stable matches.) in the next section, i do describe it a little — but i personally don’t think it’s fleshed out enough for someone who doesn’t know DA to understand deeply.<sup id="fnref:0" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:0" class="footnote" rel="footnote">1</a></sup></li>
  <li>(a must) you know probability, mostly at the level of “odds of independent events can be multiplied to find overall probability” and conditional probability ($P(A) = P(B)P(A\mid B)$).</li>
  <li>(a must) you know what a regression is, how to interpret coefficients (including those that are indicator variables).</li>
  <li>(highly recommended) you know how instrumental variables works. i have a bit of a non-technical primer <a href="/2021/10/11/econ-nobel-prize/">here</a>, but it is probably best if you know how they work in terms of regressions.</li>
  <li>(useful, not required) some familiarity with RCTs/propensity scores and <a href="https://doi.org/10.2307/2335942">Rosenbaum + Rubin (1983)</a>; i’ll be giving a high-level overview in this post, but being familiar with propensity scores will definitely help.</li>
  <li>(optional) some knowledge of sequence convergence and the continuous mapping theorem. this is used in the “why does mdrd work” section. that section will primarily be a non-technical overview of it, but i’ll add some extra notes about the math behind it working in the footnotes.</li>
  <li>(highly recommended, but only for the next post) you’re aware of regression discontinuities and how they work. however, these won’t come into play until we get to MDRD2, not in this post.</li>
</ul>

<hr />

<h3 id="about-our-setting-of-school-choice">about our setting of school choice</h3>

<p>in this post, we’re going to be thinking about school choice, when students are assigned to schools through a central mechanism. to be specific, we will need:<sup id="fnref:14" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:14" class="footnote" rel="footnote">2</a></sup></p>

<ul>
  <li>
    <p>a set of <strong>students</strong> \(I = \{i_1, i_2, \dots i_n\}\).</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>a set of <strong>schools</strong> \(\{0, 1, \dots, S\}\); school $0$ will represent the outside option (often being unassigned).</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>school $s$ will have <strong>capacity</strong> $q_s$; the outside option (school $0$) has enough capacity so that all students can be assigned there (i.e., $q_0 &gt; n$).</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>each student has <strong>preferences</strong> over all schools. if student $i$ prefers school $a$ to $b$, we write $a \succ_i b$. student $i$’s preferences over schools are strict<sup id="fnref:4" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:4" class="footnote" rel="footnote">3</a></sup> and complete<sup id="fnref:5" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:5" class="footnote" rel="footnote">4</a></sup> and are collected in $\succ_i$.</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>we’ll then say that each student has a <strong>type</strong> $\theta_i = (\succ_i) \in \Theta$. in essence, a student’s type is just their preference ordering.</p>
  </li>
</ul>

<p class="notice--warning"><strong>note:</strong> in MDRD, we allow schools to have <strong>priorities</strong> $\rho$ over students, e.g., all students with a sibling at the school are ranked before everyone else. in this primer, we’re going to start by saying that there are no such priority groups. we’ll come back to it at the end (specifically, <a href="#modification-handling-priority-groups">here</a>) — just making a note here to avoid confusion if you’re following along with the papers. when that happens, student type will be given by the tuple $\theta_i = (\succ_i, \mathbf{\rho}_i)$, where $\mathbf{\rho}_i$ collects $i$‘s priority at every school.</p>

<ul>
  <li>
    <p>schools rank students based on some <strong>score</strong>, $r_{i}^v$. this might be a lottery number, test scores, results of an audition, etc. we normalize these scores to be on the range $[0, 1]$ and so that students with <em>lower</em> scores are admitted first. the $v$ in $r_i^v$ is an index, where each $v$ represents a different score type. multiple schools can use the same score type (e.g., students in NYC have a singular lottery draw across all schools, students may all be ranked according to the same test, etc.) the key is that $r^v$ needs to contain <em>all</em> of the information for ranking students. let $v(s)$ be the score type that school $s$ uses. we’ll let there be $V$ such different scores, and <strong>for now, we’ll assume that all of these scores are a lottery</strong>, and are independent of student types.<sup id="fnref:15" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:15" class="footnote" rel="footnote">5</a></sup></p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>students then apply to schools using <strong>student-proposing deferred acceptance</strong> (DA). as a quick refresher: in round $k$, students without a current assignment apply to their top choice that hasn’t yet rejected them. schools then tentatively accept up to $q_s$ applicants among those that applied in round $k$ and those tentatively accepted from round $k-1$; school $s$ tentatively accepts students based on $r_i^{v(s)}$ (i.e., taking the $q_s$ applicants from this round with the lowest scores per $r_i^{v(s)}$). the rest are rejected. those rejected students apply to their next-most-preferred school in round $k+1$. this process repeats until all students are either matched or have no other school to apply to. we often call the result of this matching $\mu$, so that if $i$ is matched to $s$, $\mu(i)=s$; in the MDRD papers, we also let $D_i(s)$ be a dummy indicating whether $i$ is assigned to $s$.</p>

    <p>an equivalent formulation of DA that will be of lots of use to us is to represent it in terms of <strong>cutoffs</strong>. to know the outcome of DA, it is sufficient to know student preferences, their scores, and the score of the marginal admitted student at each school.<sup id="fnref:3" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:3" class="footnote" rel="footnote">6</a></sup> we can collect these in a vector $\mathbf{c} = (c_0, c_1, c_2, \dots, c_S) \in [0, 1]^{S+1}.$ we’ll also set $c_s=1$ for any school that never rejects anyone, including $c_0$, to show that they’re under-demanded schools.<sup id="fnref:2" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:2" class="footnote" rel="footnote">7</a></sup> then, each student is admitted to their most-preferred school for which they meet the cutoff: i.e., $r_i^{v(s)} \le c_s$.</p>

    <p>why would cutoffs give the same outcome as the usual DA? note that in this cutoff representation, $s$ misses the cutoff at schools they prefer to $\mu(i)$ and so gets rejected, but they make the cutoff at $\mu(i)$, and so are accepted there. and so every student gets matched to exactly $\mu(i)$!</p>
  </li>
</ul>

<h2 id="why-is-mdrd-useful">why is mdrd useful?</h2>

<p>say that we want to evaluate the effect of attending a specific school $s$ for students. we’ll do this evaluation with respect to some outcome $Y$. in many places and papers, the outcome of interest is test scores. but we might be interested in some other outcome: whether you go to/graduate college, wages earned later in life, whether you stay in the city as an adult, or just plain old happiness. all of these are valid outcomes — it’s up to us as researchers to decide what yardstick we want to use.</p>

<p>but whatever $Y$ we choose, we can’t just compare the outcomes of students who attended $s$ and those who didn’t — there’s bound to be <em>selection bias</em> due to who chooses to enroll in $s$. it’s the same reason that we shouldn’t just compare schools by comparing their students’ average test scores or graduation rates: we don’t know whether it’s because the school is good, or whether those students would have had high test scores even if they didn’t attend $s$. ideally, we’d like to observe the <em>same</em> student attending $s$ and not attending $s$, but because each student can only do one of those two, we can’t.</p>

<p>but we’re not completely out of luck: many school systems use some type of centralized admission system to admit students to schools, and oftentimes, these systems have some form of a lottery. for such a lottery to be fair, the system should have Equal Treatment of Equals (ETE): any two students of the same type $\theta$ should have the same likelihood of being admitted to a given school $s$. in essence, ETE just means that $\theta$ contains all of the information that determines a student’s odds of admission. that allows us to let $p_s(\theta)$ be <strong>the probability that type $\theta$ is admitted to school $s$</strong>, and know that it gives a “complete” picture of admissions probabilities. note that deferred acceptance is a system with ETE — because what school a student is admitted to is just decided by their random lottery numbers, two students with the same preferences should have the same odds at every school.</p>

<h3 id="an-expository-example">an expository example</h3>

<p>suppose that every student attends school $s$ with independent probability $p_s(\theta) = 0.3$; let’s represent attendance of students $i$ with the indicator variable $D_i$. say that we wanted to find the <em>causal</em><sup id="fnref:6" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:6" class="footnote" rel="footnote">8</a></sup> effect of attending school $s$, which we’ll call $\beta_s$.</p>

<p>using the framework of the Rubin causal model,<sup id="fnref:16" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:16" class="footnote" rel="footnote">9</a></sup> let $Y_i^1$ be the outcome of student $i$ if they attend $s$, and $Y_i^0$ if they do not. we only observe one of these at a time — specifically, $Y_i^{D_i}$ — because each student either attends or doesn’t attend $s$. because of this, we call $Y_i^0$ and $Y_i^1$ <em>potential outcomes</em>.</p>

<p>by definition, $\beta_s$ tells us what happens to every student because of attending $s$. in other words,</p>

\[\beta_s = \mathbb{E}\left[Y_i^1 - Y_i^0\right].\]

<p>however, as discussed earlier, we don’t observe both $Y_i^1$ and $Y_i^0$ at the same time, so we can’t just calculate this directly. however, because the assignment was random, we can do a fun little trick:</p>

\[\begin{align*}
\beta_s &amp;= \mathbb{E}\left[Y_i^1 - Y_i^0\right] \\ 
        &amp;= \mathbb{E}\left[Y_i^1\right] - \mathbb{E}\left[Y_i^0\right] \\
        &amp;= \mathbb{E}\left[Y_i^1 \mid D_i = 1\right] -\mathbb{E}\left[Y_i^0  \mid D_i = 0\right]
\end{align*}\]

<p>the third line here is the clever step — because school assignment $D_i$ was done randomly, it must have been done independently of students’ potential outcomes, so we know that $\mathbb{E}\left[Y_i^1\right] = \mathbb{E}\left[Y_i^1 \mid D_i = 1\right]$ and $\mathbb{E}\left[Y_i^0\right] = \mathbb{E}\left[Y_i^0 \mid D_i = 0\right]$.</p>

<p>but why exactly is this useful? well, we actually observe each of these two quantities! they’re just the mean outcomes of students assigned to $s$ and not assigned to $s$, respectively.</p>

<p>equivalently, we could represent this in the form of a regression:</p>

\[Y_i = \beta_0 + \beta_s D_i(s) + \varepsilon_i\]

<p>then, $\beta_s$ will exactly be the quantity described above. <sup id="fnref:1" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:1" class="footnote" rel="footnote">10</a></sup></p>

<h3 id="more-generally">more generally</h3>

<p>two things that make the real world more complicated than this example; however, we have some ways to get around those issues.</p>

<ol>
  <li>
    <p>students might be assigned to $s$ with different probabilities, based on their preferences, where they live, school priorities, etc. it seems like there still might be a lot of omitted variable bias here, since all of these things could plausibly be related to our outcome $Y$. (e.g., if your probability of assignment is higher because you live close to a good school, housing prices there might be higher, and so your family might be more well off.) we can’t just control for all of these things; controlling for every possible student preference ranking is far too many controls to be useful.</p>

    <p>to get around this, we can use the idea of <strong>propensity score conditioning</strong>.<sup id="fnref:7" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:7" class="footnote" rel="footnote">11</a></sup> at an intuitive level, this procedure says: take a look at some group of students who all have the same likelihood $p$ of attending $s$. by the logic above — if we compare the mean outcomes of assigned and unassigned students, we should get an unbiased estimator of the true treatment effect. but we can do this for <em>all</em> different values of $p$ simultaneously by adding them in as controls in our regression.<sup id="fnref:9" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:9" class="footnote" rel="footnote">12</a></sup></p>

    <p>this means that we end up estimating the equation</p>

\[Y_i =  \beta_s D_i(s) + \sum_x \alpha_2(x)d_i(x) + \eta_i \tag{*}\]

    <p>where each \(d_i(x) = 𝟙\{p_s(\theta_i)=x\}\). essentially, this adds a dummy for each distinct propensity score $x$ to the regression.</p>

    <p>when we do so, we don’t need to include any other controls; these propensity scores control for all of the selection bias that exists. (other controls, like student demographics, can still be included to help increase precision, but are not needed to have unbiased estimates.) we run a separate regression for each school $s$ of interest.</p>

    <p>another way of thinking about why this works: controlling for everything doesn’t work because there’d be too many controls. controlling for propensity scores does the <em>same</em> thing, but with fewer controls on the left-hand side — this is what <a href="https://www.jstor.org/stable/2998560">Hahn (1998)</a> calls the “dimension reduction” effect of propensity scores. we’re basically finding ways to group students together.</p>

    <p class="notice--info"><strong>a quick aside:</strong> in order for this to work, we need to restrict our sample to students who have “risk” at school $s$, i.e., their propensity score is not $0$ or $1$. intuitively, for students who always go to school $s$, there’s no comparable set of students who <em>weren’t</em> assigned to school $s$ to compare them to. so they don’t actually help us find the effect of going to school $s$ at all. because of this, we drop all of these students without risk :)</p>

    <p class="notice--info"><strong>an aside to the aside:</strong> just because a school accepts everyone doesn’t mean there’s no risk. suppose  some school $s_1$ accepts all students with chance $\frac12$, while another school $s_2$ accepts everyone. all students have preferences $s_1 \succ s_2$. even though $s_2$ accepts everyone, every student still has only a $50\%$ chance of being admitted. this risk is generated by the random assignment at schools <em>preferred</em> to $s_2$.</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>in almost every circumstance, there is <em>imperfect compliance</em> with the results of a lottery. some students might end up at another school, some students might be admitted from the waitlist.</p>

    <p>to help, let’s turn to our old friend <strong>instrumental variables</strong>. as a quick recap of the relevant bit: if we want to find the effect of attendance ($D$) on some outcome ($Y$), we can instrument our regression of $Y$ on $D$ with some third $Z$. there’s a few conditions this needs to satisfy: $Z$ needs to covary with $D$ (relevance), and also needs to affect $Y$ only through $D$ (exclusion restriction). it is natural here to take as $Z$ the lottery results — in essence, <strong>instrumenting attendance with admission</strong>.</p>

    <p>when we do so, the coefficient in front of $D$ will be the treatment effect of school $s$ for students whose attendance decision was changed because of the results of the lottery.<sup id="fnref:17" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:17" class="footnote" rel="footnote">13</a></sup></p>

    <p>to be specific — we take equation $(*)$ and instrument it using the equation</p>

\[D_i(s) = \gamma Z_i(s) + \sum_x \alpha_1(x)d_i(x) + \nu_i \tag{$\dagger$}\]

    <p>note that because we controlled for propensity scores in the second stage (equation $(*)$), we also should control for them in in the first stage. it’s only fair.</p>
  </li>
</ol>

<div class="notice--info">
  
<p><strong>note:</strong> in all of these estimating equations, we’re finding the causal effect of going to school $s$, where the alternative is “doing anything else”. sometimes, we might be interested specifically in the effect of going to school $s$ against the alternative of not going to <em>any</em> school. this, in some sense, is closer to the idea of “school value-added”. if we were to do so, we’d want to add indicators and propensity scores for attending a school that isn’t $s$ (but still attending a school). if we let these be $D_i(-s)$ and $d^{-s}_i(x)$, we’ll turn equation $(*)$ into</p>

\[\begin{equation*} Y_i = \beta_s D_i(s) + \sum_x \alpha_2(x) d_i(x) + \beta_{-s} D_i(-s) + \sum_x \alpha_3(x) d_i^{-s}(x) + \eta_i \end{equation*}\]

<p>so that our baseline comparison is against those that didn’t go to school at all. (we’ll add these same covariates into $(\dagger)$, as well.)</p>


</div>

<h3 id="finding-propensity-scores">finding propensity scores</h3>

<p>given the above — to determine the causal effect of attending school $s$, all we need is (a) their admission records, (b) their attendance, and (c) the likelihood that each student is admitted to school $s$. those first two are in administrative data — but figuring out that third part is much easier said than done.</p>

<p>a natural way to do this might be to simulate the school lottery a bajillion times and see the likelihood that each student is admitted to school $s$. this would be an unbiased estimate of the true odds of assignment! but when we think about implementing this, there’s a bit of an issue. we need to simulate a large number of times $N$ in order to have a good estimate of the propensity scores $p$. but when we do so, two students with exactly the same propensity score of assignment to $s$ are unlikely to be assigned to $s$ the same number of times. (this is for the same reason that if two people flip a fair coin a million times, they almost certainly won’t flip the same number of heads.) now, we <em>could</em> “bin” similar propensity scores together, but there aren’t really good theory-based reasons for choosing any bin size. why would we want to choose 0.1 over 0.01, or over 0.0001? it’s very unclear.</p>

<p>this is where mdrd comes in. <strong>mdrd is useful</strong> because, at its core, it is a methodology to <strong>approximate student propensity scores</strong> in a way that <strong>inherently creates dimensionality reduction</strong>.</p>

<p>before getting into the details, here are a few other ways that people have used as proxies for propensity scores.</p>

<ul>
  <li>instead of using propensity scores, control for whether students have the same “risk set”; i.e., exposure to the same schools in their preference lists. essentially, this idea works because it controls for students’ types completely, eliminating omitted variable bias. however, in practice, this might lead to far too many different controls. there are about $S^k$ different preference lists of length $k$, and for large $k$ (e.g., NYC has $k = 12$ and $s\approx 700$), we’re stuck with the curse of dimensionality.</li>
  <li>as a proxy, use whether students applied to $s$ as their first choice. e.g., in <a href="https://academic.oup.com/qje/article/126/4/2063/1922935">Deming (2011)</a>. this method does work perfectly! however, it loses out on the power generated from the randomness of students admitted to their second choices and beyond.</li>
</ul>

<p>with that all in mind, let’s turn to…</p>

<h2 id="how-to-approximate-propensity-scores-in-da">how to approximate propensity scores in da</h2>

<p>throughout the next few sections, we’re going to imagine a market with a very large number of students (i.e., $n\to\infty$). this leads to a cool property: the cutoff at each school will be the same <em>no matter the lottery draws</em>. intuitively, this happens because if any one person’s lottery number changes, then cutoffs won’t change very much.<sup id="fnref:18" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:18" class="footnote" rel="footnote">14</a></sup></p>

<p>but the key thing for us — we can treat each school’s cutoff as a constant that is completely independent of the lottery draws, and never changes. let the cutoff of school $s$ be $c_s$.</p>

<div class="notice--warning">
  
<p><strong>note:</strong> if you’re following along with MDRD1, there are a few changes to my exposition / notation:</p>

<ul>
  <li>as mentioned above: i’m fully ignoring priority groups for now. we’ll get to that towards the end of the post (specifically, <a href="#modification-handling-priority-groups">here</a>)</li>
  <li>MDRD1 refers to infinite-market propensity scores using $\varphi$, rather than $p$. i’m going to stick with $p$ for now, because it’s easier to remember “$p$ for propensity scores”. we’ll come back to this when we explain <a href="#why-does-the-mdrd-approximation-work">why MDRD works</a>.</li>
</ul>


</div>

<p>to learn about the methodology, we’re going to think through a few different examples, which will let us derive the MDRD1 formulas.</p>

<h3 id="setting-1-separate-lotteries">setting 1: separate lotteries</h3>

<p>consider an infinitely sized market where each school uses a separate, independent, lottery to assign students (i.e., a separate $v$ for each school.). suppose student $i$ of type $\theta$ has preferences $1 \succ 2 \succ 3 \succ 4$, where school $s$ has a cutoff of $c_s$. what is the probability that a student of type $\theta$ is assigned to school $4$, or $p_4(\theta)$?</p>

<p>you might be able to answer this quite quickly! i’m going to write it out in a very specific way because it’ll be helpful when we get to our more complicated settings.</p>

<p>note that two things need to happen: $i$ needs to be rejected from every school they like more than school $4$, and then they need to make it into school $4$ (given that they got rejected from those more-preferred schools). for ease of notation, let $B_{\theta 4}$ refer to the set of schools that a person of type $\theta$ likes more than school $4$ (where $B$ stands for “better”, as in “better than school $4$ for type $\theta$”).</p>

<p>we can write this out as</p>

\[\begin{align*} p_{4}(\theta) &amp;= P(\text{rejected from all } s \in B_{\theta 4} \text{ and } \text{accepted to $4$}) \\ &amp;= P(\text{rejected from all } s \in B_{\theta 4}) \times P(\text{accepted to $4$}\mid\text{rejected from all }s \in B_{\theta 4}) \tag{$\S$} \end{align*}\]

<p>a statement that is true by the laws of conditional probability.</p>

<p>now, let’s evaluate each of these two terms. starting with the first: $i$ needs to <em>miss</em> the cutoff of every school in $B_{\theta 4}$. so at each of these schools, $i$ needs to have a score in $[c_s, 1]$. because  these are independent events, the total probability of all of these happening is just their product: $\prod_{s\in B_{\theta 4}} (1 - c_s) = (1-c_{1})(1-c_{2})(1-c_{3})$.</p>

<p>turning now to term two: $i$ needs to <em>make</em> the cutoff at school $4$, i.e., have a lottery draw less than $c_{4}$. well, $i$‘s draw at school $4$, which is $r_i^4$, is fully independent of previous draws, and so this probability is simply $c_{4}$.</p>

<p>our final answer is then the product of these two:</p>

\[\boxed{p_{4}(\theta) = \underbrace{(1-c_{1})(1-c_{2})(1-c_{3})}_{P(\text{rejected from all } s \in B_{\theta 4})} \times \underbrace{c_{4}}_{P(\text{accepted to $4$}\mid\text{rejected from all }s \in B_{\theta 4})}}\]

<p>this isn’t too hard to generalize to any setting where each school uses a different lottery. by a similar process, we can say that</p>

\[p_{s}(\theta) = \underbrace{\prod_{s\in B_{\theta s}} (1 - c_s)}_{P(\text{rejected from all } s' \in B_{\theta s})}  \times \underbrace{c_{s}}_{P(\text{accepted to $s$}\mid\text{rejected from all }s' \in B_{\theta s})} \tag{1}\]

<p>while the formula might look confusing; at its core, we’re just checking that a person of type $\theta$ doesn’t get in anywhere they like more than $s$, but that they actually get into $s$. all of these probabilities are independent, so we can multiply them to find our answer!</p>

<hr />

<h3 id="setting-2-one-lottery-draw">setting 2: one lottery draw</h3>

<p>our second setting two will be just like the first, but with one clear difference: all schools now use the same lottery draw (i.e., all schools use the lotto draw $v = 1$). we’re going to run through an example where we think from first principles about the probability that $i$ is assigned to different schools.</p>

<p>suppose again that $i$ is of type $\theta$, and has preferences $1 \succ 2 \succ 3 \succ 4$, and that the cutoff vector is given by $\mathbf{c} = (c_1, c_2, c_3, c_4) =(0.3, 0.7, 0.6, 0.9)$.</p>

<ul>
  <li>
    <p>what’s the probability that $i$ gets assigned to school $1$?
all that needs to happen is $i$ has a lottery score that clears school $1$‘s cutoff; this happens if the lottery draw is in the range $[0, 0.3]$. this happens with probability $\boxed{p_1(\theta) = 0.3}$.</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>what’s the probability that $i$ gets assigned to school $2$?
our student $i$ clears the cutoff at school 2 anytime that $r_i \le 0.7$. however, our answer here isn’t $0.7$. that’s because if $i$ draws something in $[0, 0.3]$, they’ll be assigned to school $1$ instead! so, $i$ needs to have a draw in the range $[0.3, 0.7]$, which happens with probability $\boxed{p_2(\theta) = 0.4}$.</p>

    <p>what’s the probability that $i$ gets assigned to school $3$?
let’s imagine that we’re working through the rounds of DA. if $i$ is applying to school $3$, then this means that they’ve already been rejected from schools $1$ and $2$. but because they were rejected from school $2$, we <em>already know</em> that $i$ has a score larger than $0.7$. now, school $3$ only admits students who have a lottery draw less than $0.6$; so there’s no way that $i$ gets assigned to $3$! this means our answer is $\boxed{p_3(\theta) =0}$.</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>what’s the probability that $i$ gets assigned to school $4$?</p>

    <p>stating the intuition we’ve built up in a slightly different way: to know the odds that $i$ gets assigned to school $4$, they both need to <em>make</em> the cutoff at school $4$, and <em>miss</em> every cutoff at schools that they prefer to school $4$.
when do they miss the cutoff at every school they like more than $4$? well, the least selective school that $i$ didn’t get assigned to was school $2$; because of that, we know that her score has to be larger than that cutoff: $r_i &gt; 0.7$.
they make the cutoff at school $4$ anytime $r_i\le 0.9$; putting these two pieces together we know they need a score in the range $[0.7, 0.9]$, which happens with probability $\boxed{p_4(\theta) =0.4}$.</p>
  </li>
</ul>

<p>a specific thing i want to draw your attention to: when we were looking at admissions chances to school $4$, we didn’t need to use the cutoffs at schools $1$ and $3$. this is because they had <em>stricter</em> cutoffs than school $2$. it tells us more that $i$ got rejected from $2$ (after which we know $r_i&gt;0.7$) when compared to the information we get from schools $1$ ($r_i &gt; 0.3)$ or $3$ ($r_i&gt;0.6$).</p>

<p>in other words, if we wanted to calculate the chance $i$ is accepted to a school $s$, the only two pieces of information we need to know are the cutoff at $s$ (which is $c_s$), and the <em>most lenient cutoff</em> she missed among schools she liked better (as a reminder — these more-favored schools are given by the set $B_{\theta s}$).</p>

<p>we’re going to call this <strong>most lenient cutoff</strong> the $\boldsymbol{\mathrm{MID}}$ that this student has when applying to school $s$; MID stands for “most informative disqualification”. in essence, it just tells us the highest cutoff at a school that a student likes more than $s$. in notation:</p>

\[\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s} = \max\left\{c_{s’}\mid s' \in B_{\theta s}\right\}\]

<p>now let’s think generally — what is the probability that a student of type $\theta$ is accepted to school $s$ in their preference list?</p>

<p>again, we know that they need to miss the cutoff at every school that like more, but still make the cutoff at $c_s$. this only happens if they have a score in the range \([ \mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}, c_s ]\) — if they score lower than \(\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}\), they would get into somewhere better, and if they score higher than $c_s$, then they won’t make it into $s$, either.</p>

<p>of course, it might be the case that $c_s &lt; \mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}$, and $s$ has a stricter cutoff than some school that you already got rejected from. if so, there’s no way you make it to $s$ — otherwise, you’d have gotten into the school that set the $\mathrm{MID}$! — and so your odds of assignment are 0.</p>

<p>to put it all together: we can represent the probability that type $\theta$ is admitted to school $s$ as</p>

<p>$p_s(\theta) = \max(0, c_s - \mathrm{MID}_{\theta s})$</p>

<p>(to make this well defined, let’s also just say that when applying to your first choice, your $\mathrm{MID}$ is 0.)</p>

<p>i’m now going to write this probability in a slightly different way. going back to our example above, and looking again at school $4$; one way to state this probability is that $i$ needs to get rejected from every school that they like better than school $4$, and conditional on that rejection, they need to be admitted to school $4$. this is exactly the same statement as we made in setting 1 — despite the change in how scores work, this logic still holds, and so we can write the same formula as in equation $(\S)$ in setting 1:</p>

<p>$p_{4}(\theta) = P(\text{rejected from all } s \in B_{\theta 4}) \times P(\text{accepted to $4$}\mid\text{rejected from all }s \in B_{\theta 4})$</p>

<p>the first term — the probability of being rejected at schools liked more than school $4$ — is the probability we miss the most lenient cutoff, which happens with probability $1 - 0.7 =0.3$. the second term is a bit more complicated — given that you’re rejected, we know that $i$‘s score is more than $0.7$. in order to be accepted to school $4$, we also need a score less than $0.9$. this means that the conditional probability is $\frac{0.9-0.7}{0.3} = \frac23$.</p>

<p>our final answer is the product of these two numbers: $(1-0.7)\times\frac23 = 0.2$ — thankfully, the same answer we originally calculated.</p>

<p>thinking about this logic more generally leads us to the following equation:</p>

\[p_{s}(\theta) = \underbrace{\left(1-MID_{\theta s}\right)}_{P(\text{rejected from all } s' \in B_{\theta s})} \times \underbrace{\max\left( \frac{c_{s}-MID_{\theta s}}{1-MID_{\theta s}}, 0 \right)}_{P(\text{accepted to $s$}\mid\text{rejected from all }s' \in B_{\theta s})} \tag{2}\]

<p>this is equation 2 in MDRD1!<sup id="fnref:19" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:19" class="footnote" rel="footnote">15</a></sup> under the hood, all that it is doing is multiplying the probability that you are rejected from places you like more than $s$, and conditional on that, you still get into $s$.</p>

<p>note also that we can multiply the first term through the $\max$, and recover the original equation we found: $p_{s}(\theta) = \max(c_s - \mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}, 0)$ — and so they’re equivalent formulations! MDRD writes it in that way because it highlights this as a “conditional” probability.</p>

<p>we’ve done it! at least, partially. but it’s time to get a bit more complicated — how can we unite this formula with our first setting?</p>

<hr />

<h3 id="setting-3-all-schools-use-a-lottery-but-some-use-the-same-one">setting 3: all schools use a lottery, but some use the same one</h3>

<p>oh yeah. we’re going <em>real</em> general.</p>

<p>while it might seem like this is just a technical edge case to go through, it’s something that happens a lot in real life — for example, all charter campuses run in some charter network might use the same lottery draw, but the rest of schools in Chicago Public Schools all use a CPS-drawn number.</p>

<p>let’s look at the same example as we did in setting 2, but now, $v(1) = v(3) = 1$, and $v(2)=v(4)=2$; in real words, schools $1$ and $3$ use the same lottery draw, and schools $2$ and $4$ use the same lottery draw, but one that’s distinct from the one used by schools $1$ and $3$. we’ll also keep the same cutoff vector: $\mathbf{c} = (c_1, c_2, c_3, c_4) =(0.3, 0.7, 0.6, 0.9)$. as a notation reminder, $r_i^v$ will be $i$‘s random number for score $v$.</p>

<ul>
  <li>
    <p>what’s the probability that $i$ gets assigned to school $1$?</p>

    <p>by the same logic as in setting 2, it’s still $\boxed{p_1(\theta)=0.3}$.</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>what’s the probability that $i$ gets assigned to school $2$?</p>

    <p>in this case, the logic that we used in setting 2 doesn’t hold. but, when calculating this probability, it’s exactly like in setting 1 — the two schools of interest use two different lotteries. again, we need to get rejected from school $1$ (which has probability $1-0.3 = 0.7$), and then we need to clear the cutoff at school 2 ($0.7$); this gives an overall probability of $\boxed{p_2(\theta) = (1-0.3)0.7 = 0.49}$.</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>what’s the probability that $i$ gets assigned to school $3$?</p>

    <p>now, we finally have to do something slightly different. let’s look at this in terms of the two score types. for score type 2, we know that we need to get rejected from school $2$; this means that we need $r_i^2 \in [0.7, 1]$. for score type 1, $i$ needs to get rejected from school $1$ and subsequently accepted to school $3$; for that, we need $r_i^1 \in[0.3, 0.6]$. these are independent draws, so we can just multiply the probability of each: the answer is $\boxed{p_3(\theta) = (1-0.7)(0.6-0.3) = 0.09}$.</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>what’s the probability that $i$ gets assigned to school $4$?</p>

    <p>following a similar logic as the last bullet — we need score type 1 to be larger than $0.6$, and score type 2 to be in the range $[0.7, 0.9]$. this makes our overall probability $\boxed{p_4(\theta) = (1-0.6)(0.9-0.7) = 0.08}$.</p>

    <p>an alternative way to calculate this probability, we can think about finding $p_4(\theta)$ in the framework introduced in the last two settings and equation $(\S)$, which means we can calculate</p>

    <p>$p_{4}(\theta) = P(\text{rejected from all } s \in B_{\theta 4}) \times P(\text{accepted to $4$}\mid\text{rejected from all }s \in B_{\theta 4})$</p>

    <p>looking at the first term: in order to get rejected from all schools preferred to school $4$, $i$ needs to miss the most lenient cutoff for each score type. for score type $1$, this is $0.6$, and for score type 2, $0.7$; in total, this happens with probability $(1-0.6)(1-0.7) = 0.12$.</p>

    <p>conditional on being rejected to those more-preferred schools, what’s the probability of $i$‘s admission to school $4$? from the earlier rejection to school $2$, we know that $i$ must have had $r_i^2 &gt; 0.7$. thus, clearing the cutoff at school $4$ happens with probability $\frac{0.9-0.7}{1-0.7} = \frac23$.</p>

    <p>taking the product of these two numbers gives $\boxed{p_{4}(\theta) = (1-0.6)(1-0.7)\times \frac23 = 0.08}$ — the same answer as before!</p>
  </li>
</ul>

<p>and so with that, let’s now think about the general case. to calculate the odds of type $\theta$ being admitted to school $s$, we can again plug into our conditional formula: the probability of being rejected from all schools in $B_{s\theta}$ multiplied by the probability of getting accepted by $s$ (conditional on being rejected from all schools in $B_{s\theta}$). looking at the two terms:</p>

<ul>
  <li>
    <p>so, what’s the probability of being rejected from all schools you like more than $s$? well, you need to miss the most lenient cutoff of all different score types. this makes us think that we need a separate $\mathrm{MID}$ for each score type — let’s call them \(\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^v\) for each $v$. formally: let \(B_{\theta s}^v\) be the set of schools that $\theta$ likes more than $s$ that admit students using score $v$. then,</p>

\[\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^v = \max \left\{c_{s'} \mid s' \in B_{\theta s}^v \right\}\]

    <p>in order to miss the cutoffs of <em>each</em> score type, since these are independent events, we can take the product of missing each one!</p>

    <p>\(P(\text{rejected from all } s' \in B_{\theta s}) = \prod_v (1-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^v)\).</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>what about the probability of being accepted to $s$ after these rejections? again, we need to have a score that meets the cutoff at $s$, but we know that we don’t have a score below $\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^{v(s)}$. that means that this conditional probability is given by</p>

\[P(\text{accepted to $s$}\mid\text{rejected from all }s' \in B_{\theta s}) = \frac{c_s - \mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^{v(s)}}{1-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^{v(s)}}\]

    <p>so long as this quantity is non-negative — otherwise, it is 0.</p>
  </li>
</ul>

<p>that means that our overall probability can be computed as</p>

\[p_{s}(\theta) = \underbrace{\prod_v\left(1-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^v\right)}_{P(\text{rejected from all } s' \in B_{\theta s})} \times \underbrace{\max\left( \frac{c_{s}-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^{v(s)}}{1-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^{v(s)}}, 0 \right)}_{P(\text{accepted to $s$}\mid\text{rejected from all }s' \in B_{\theta s})} \tag{3}\]

<p>which seems like a <em>monster</em> of a formula, but just boils down to multiplying the probability of earlier rejection and the probability of acceptance, conditional on earlier rejection.</p>

<p>this result is in an appendix of MDRD1, and is used implicitly in MDRD2. on another note, if each school has a different score, this formula results in the exact same formula that we derived in setting 1! (the first product includes all preferred schools and their cutoffs, and the second term becomes just $c_s$.)</p>

<hr />

<h3 id="two-quick-asides">two quick asides</h3>

<p>before wrapping things up, i wanted to draw attention to two separate things that will help in actually understanding/implementing MDRD.</p>

<h4 id="properties-of-mdrd-propensity-scores">properties of MDRD propensity scores</h4>

<p>the nature of these propensity scores leads them to have some cool properties.</p>

<ul>
  <li>for each type $\theta$, the sum of propensity scores across all schools is 1: $\sum_s p_s(\theta)=1$. with certainty, this student is assigned <em>somewhere</em>, though that somewhere could be $s_0$, corresponding to going to the outside option (often, being unassigned).<sup id="fnref:12" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:12" class="footnote" rel="footnote">16</a></sup></li>
  <li>for each school $s$, the sum of assigned propensity scores across students is less than its capacity: $\sum_i p_s(\theta_i) \le q_s$. we can prove this by laws of probability and contradiction. suppose that this sum was larger than $q_s$. note that the sum represents the expected number of students assigned to $s$. that implies that under some lottery draw, $s$ is assigned more than $q_s$ students.<sup id="fnref:10" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:10" class="footnote" rel="footnote">17</a></sup></li>
  <li>as you go down a preference list, every $\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^v$ weakly increases. moreover, as you move down one spot in a preference list from $s$ to $s’$, the only $\mathrm{MID}$ that will change is the one for $v(s)$, the score type used by $s$.</li>
  <li>because only one $\mathrm{MID}$ changes with each priority list, we can write some fairly straightforward code. in particular, we can run an algorithm to compute every $p_s(\theta)$ in $O(n (SK+V))$ time. For each student (of which there are $n$), we need to write a $\mathrm{MID}$ for each score type for the first school (of which there are $V$ types), then loop through each school-priority group in the students’ preferences (of which there are at most $SK$) to compute the new $\mathrm{MID}$ and then compute the relevant p-score.<sup id="fnref:13" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:13" class="footnote" rel="footnote">18</a></sup></li>
</ul>

<h4 id="modification-handling-priority-groups">modification: handling priority groups</h4>

<p>many school assignment systems use some form of <em>priority groups</em>, where certain sets of students are all ranked above some other sets of students. this might happen due to neighborhood preference, sibling priority, and many other reasons. also, some students might be ineligible.</p>

<p>if students are eligible for at most one priority group (which we’ll assume for now), we can represent this fairly easily. let student $i$ with some type $\theta$ have a priority at each school $s$ of \(\rho_{\theta s} \in \{0, 1, 2, \dots, K, \infty\}\). then, have schools admit students in order of increasing $\rho_{\theta_I s} + r_i$. (lower priority groups are more preferred, and priority group $\infty$ will be reserved for students ineligible at school $s$). then, we just run deferred acceptance like normal! again, we can represent the outcome using cutoffs at each school; it’s just that $c_s$ now can be in the range $[0, K+1]$. (analogous to above, we’ll set $c_s = K+1$ anytime a school is under-demanded.) (we’ll also now let types be the tuple consisting of preferences and priorities at each school: $\theta = (\succ, \rho)$, where $\rho= (\rho_1, \rho_2, \dots, \rho_S$).</p>

<p>but then how can we turn this into a format that works for MDRD? there are two different ways (the first here is what’s presented in MDRD; the second is what i personally think is a more intuitive way of understanding, and works when students are eligible for multiple priority groups and there are priority-group specific capacities):</p>

<ol>
  <li>
    <p>note that each school will have exactly one <em>marginal</em> priority group, which we’ll call \(\rho_s\in\{0, 1, 2, \dots, K\}\). students who have $\rho_{\theta s} &lt; \rho_s$ never are assigned to any school they like less than $s$, and students with $\rho_{\theta s} &gt; \rho_s$ never get assigned to $s$. given a cutoff $c_s$, this marginal priority group is simple to find: $\rho_s = \lfloor{c_s}\rfloor$. in essence, it’s the set of students that have <em>direct</em> risk at $s$. however, other students will also still have risk at $s$ — the students with $\rho_{\theta s} &lt; \rho_s$; but their risk will be due to their risk of not being admitted to schools they like more than $s$.</p>

    <p>to make this idea a little more formal, for each school $s$, we’ll split students into three groups:<sup id="fnref:8" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:8" class="footnote" rel="footnote">19</a></sup></p>

    <ul>
      <li>$t_{is}=a$ if $\rho_{\theta s} &lt; \rho_s$; here, $a$ stands for <em>always assigned</em>. this condition means that a student belongs to a priority group better than the marginal priority group. if, at any point during deferred acceptance, $i$ sends a proposal to $s$ (which only happens when they get rejected from every school they like better than $s$), then $i$ will <em>always</em> be accepted by $s$. they are never assigned to a school worse than $s$.</li>
      <li>$t_{is} = c$ if $\rho_s = \rho_s$; here, $c$ stands for <em>conditionally assigned</em>. this condition means a student belongs to the marginal priority group. as a result, if $i$ sends a proposal to $s$, then this student isn’t always accepted at $s$, because their acceptance depends on their lottery draw.<sup id="fnref:21" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:21" class="footnote" rel="footnote">20</a></sup></li>
      <li>$t_{is}=n$ if $\rho_{\theta s} &gt; \rho_s$; here, $n$ stands for <em>never assigned</em>. this condition means that a student belongs to a priority group worse than the marginal priority group. if $i$ sends a proposal to $s$, they are never accepted by them because their priority group is too low.</li>
    </ul>

    <p>we’ll also introduce the idea of lottery cutoffs: $\tau_s = c_s-\rho_s$; in essence, it’s the worst lottery score that got admitted for students in the marginal priority group.</p>

    <p>to do the same types of calculations as we did above, we’d then need to augment it slightly. trying to follow along the same logic:</p>

    <ul>
      <li>
        <p>$\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^v$ now should only be calculated using the set of schools that type $\theta$ likes more than $s$ and use $v$ as a score, but students <em>also</em> need to belong to the marginal priority group. (otherwise, their admission/rejection gives us no information about $i$‘s lottery draw.) also, we should calculate it using $\tau_s$, instead of $c_s$, so that we look at the lottery number directly. so, define $\mathrm{MID}$ as</p>

        <p>\(\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^v = \begin{cases} 0 &amp; \text{if } \rho_{\theta s'} &gt; \rho_{s'} \text{ for all } s' \in B_{\theta s}^v, \text{ or } B_{\theta s}^v = \varnothing \\
1 &amp; \text{if } \rho_{\theta s'} &lt; \rho_{s'} \text{ for some } s' \in B_{\theta s}^v \\
\max \left\{ \tau_{s'} \mid s' \in B_{\theta s}^v \text{ and } \rho_{\theta s'} = \rho_{s'} \right\} &amp; \text{otherwise}
\end{cases}\)
this formula looks really complicated, but what each line is saying is:</p>

        <ul>
          <li>$\mathrm{MID}$ is $0$ if you got rejected by priority at every school that uses $v$ as a score and that you like more than $s$ (or if there are no schools that use $v$ in that set); this is because those rejections don’t carry any score information.</li>
          <li>$\mathrm{MID}$is $1$ if you were guaranteed an acceptance because of priority at some school that uses $v$ as a score and that you like more than $s$; because of that acceptance, you’ll never be assigned to $s$.</li>
          <li>otherwise, use our normal $\mathrm{MID}$ formula; however, you need to (a) think about the lottery cutoffs, and not the actual school cutoff, and (b) you can only count schools where you were in the marginal priority group (otherwise we haven’t learned anything about the lottery number).</li>
        </ul>
      </li>
      <li>
        <p>when we’re actually calculating our propensity scores, we need to do something slightly different. the expression for $P(\text{rejected from all } s’ \in B_{\theta s})$ will still be the same — that doesn’t change. however, we now need to think of some different cases for ${P(\text{accepted to $s$}\mid\text{rejected from all }s’ \in B_{\theta s})}$.</p>
      </li>
      <li>$t_{is} = a$: because $i$ has a better priority than the marginal one at $s$, this probability is just 1.</li>
      <li>$t_{is}=c$: our expression gets to be (mostly) the exact same as before! but again, to look at the lottery number directly, we’ll change out $c_s$ for $\tau_s$.</li>
      <li>$t_{is}=n$: now, there’s no chance of being admitted, so this probability is 0.</li>
    </ul>

    <p>in total, this leaves us with:</p>

\[p_s(\theta_i)= \begin{cases} \underbrace{\prod_v\left(1-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^v\right)}_{P(\text{rejected from all } s' \in B_{\theta s})} \times \underbrace{0}_{P(\text{accepted to $s$}\mid\text{rejected from all }s' \in B_{\theta s})}=0 &amp; \text{if }t_{is}=n \\
                                 \underbrace{\prod_v\left(1-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^v\right)}_{P(\text{rejected from all } s' \in B_{\theta s})} \times \underbrace{1}_{P(\text{accepted to $s$}\mid\text{rejected from all }s' \in B_{\theta s})}=\prod_v\left(1-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^v\right) &amp; \text{if }t_{is}=a \\
                                  \underbrace{\prod_v\left(1-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^v\right)}_{P(\text{rejected from all } s' \in B_{\theta s})} \times \underbrace{\max\left( \frac{\tau_{s}-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^{v(s)}}{1-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^{v(s)}}, 0 \right)}_{P(\text{accepted to $s$}\mid\text{rejected from all }s' \in B_{\theta s})} &amp; \text{if }t_{is} = c\end{cases}\]

    <p>(this is written out in Theorem 1 in appendix A.9; the simpler version, where there is only one score type, is equation 2 in MDRD1.)</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>a different way to think about this is to create an <em>augmented</em> economy. this is a helpful proof technique in general with market design (e.g. — it’s used in <a href="https://www.aeaweb.org/articles?id=10.1257/aer.98.4.1636">Pathak + Sönmez (2008)</a>). we’re going to do it via the following process:</p>

    <ul>
      <li>for each school, create a separate “pseudo-school”, one for each priority group. each will have a capacity equal to the number of students who are admitted to it within that priority group. we’ll let school $s$ be split into $s^0, s^1, \dots, s^K$ (we can stop at the last priority group that $s$ has, since the rest will have capacity 0 and won’t matter).</li>
      <li>for each student, augment their priorities as follows: if type $\theta$ has preferences of $s_1 \succ s_2 \succ \dots$, then now have augmented preferences of $s_1^0 \succ s_1^1 \succ \dots \succ s_1^K \succ s_2^0 \succ s_2^1 \succ\dots \succ s_2^K \succ \dots$. from this preference list, restrict it to include only the priority groups that type $\theta$ is eligible for. (this is what allows us to include eligibility for multiple priority groups.),</li>
    </ul>

    <p>effectively, we are turning our setting from “applications to <em>schools</em>” to “applications to <em>school-priority groups</em>”.</p>

    <p>note that this will result in the same matching as the original market. furthermore, we can directly apply the formula we found out in setting 3! of course, an important note — we have to remember that because all augmented schools with $\rho_{\theta s} &lt; \rho_s$ are exactly at capacity, we’ll set the corresponding augmented schools’ cutoff to $c_{s^k}=1$. similarly, for augmented schools with $\rho_{\theta s}&gt;\rho_s$, the corresponding school will have $c_{s^k}=0$.</p>

    <p>after we run MDRD on this augmented economy, we’ll be left with the likelihood that type $\theta$ gets admitted to every combination of school $s$ and priority group $\rho$. this isn’t quite want we wanted — remember, we want to know the likelihood that $\theta$ is admitted to schools $s$.</p>

    <p>to get that, we can just add back up all the the p-scores to school-priority combos at school $s$! you can run through the logic and find that this <em>exactly</em> matches up with the formula we created in method 1 just above — if you’re only eligible for one priority group, then only one school-priority group can have a non-zero propensity score, and it will exactly match the propensity score from above.</p>
  </li>
</ol>

<p>in practice, we usually use the second for a few reasons:</p>

<ul>
  <li>it turns out there are a lot of districts that allow for eligibility at multiple priority groups, so we are forced to use method 2.</li>
  <li>it’s much easier to code — the first method relies on a <em>lot</em> of different if statements and casework, whereas the second applies the same logic to every pseudo-school.<sup id="fnref:11" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:11" class="footnote" rel="footnote">21</a></sup></li>
</ul>

<h2 id="bringing-it-home">bringing it home</h2>

<h3 id="recap--taking-theory-to-data">recap + taking theory to data</h3>

<p>let’s remember what we were trying to do here, a task we set out to do up <a href="#more-generally">above</a>:</p>

<ul>
  <li>to figure out the causal effect of attending school $s$, we want to run a regression where we instrument attendance with admission.</li>
  <li>to make this a regression that works, we want to control for propensity scores $p_s(\theta)$— the likelihood that a student of a given type $\theta$ is admitted to school $s$.</li>
  <li>over the last several sections, we’ve developed ways of computing this quantity in infinite-sized markets.</li>
  <li>but to actually use this, we need a way of going from this infinite market formula to one that works for the data we actually observe.</li>
</ul>

<p>we do this in a very natural way — we say that the infinite-market odds are a good approximation for the finite-market odds, and use the formulas derived above to calculate propensity scores. now, there are actually two different ways of doing this suggested by MDRD:</p>

<ol>
  <li>
    <p>the <strong>formula</strong> calculation. use the observed cutoffs and marginal priority groups, plug them into the above formula, and say that those are the propensity scores. essentially, just say the infinite-market odds are exactly the same as the finite-market odds, and that the observed cutoffs + marginal priority are the same as in the infinite market. in essence, we just plug everything into equation $(3)$.</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>the <strong>frequency</strong> calculation.<sup id="fnref:20" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:20" class="footnote" rel="footnote">22</a></sup> recall that equation $(3)$ states</p>

\[p_{s}(\theta) = \underbrace{\prod_v\left(1-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^v\right)}_{P(\text{rejected from all } s' \in B_{\theta s})} \times \underbrace{\max\left( \frac{c_{s}-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^{v(s)}}{1-\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^{v(s)}}, 0 \right)}_{P(\text{accepted to $s$}\mid\text{rejected from all }s' \in B_{\theta s})} \tag{3}\]

    <p>because of this formulation, if two students have the exact same set of $\mathrm{MID}$s at school $s$, then they should always have the exact same propensity score.</p>

    <p>because of that, a different way of thinking about calculating these propensity scores through <em>estimation</em> is the following:</p>

    <ol>
      <li>use observed cutoffs to calculate $\mathrm{MID}$s, just as in the formula calculation.</li>
      <li>to calculate $p_s(\theta)$ for student $i$ of type $\theta$, take the set of all students who have the same set of $\mathrm{MID}$s as $i$. take the overall offer rate of those students, and call that $p_s(\theta)$!<sup id="fnref:22" role="doc-noteref"><a href="#fn:22" class="footnote" rel="footnote">23</a></sup></li>
    </ol>

    <p>note in some sense, this is perhaps more “true” to the observed propensity scores, because it actually uses the set of <em>all</em> students’ offers, and not just the marginal students’ offers.</p>
  </li>
</ol>

<p>in summary, the procedure to run MDRD is</p>

<ol>
  <li>start with student preferences, school capacities and priorities, and students’ random number draws.</li>
  <li>from this information, calculate the cutoff at each school.</li>
  <li>using either the formula or frequency calculation to calculate propensity scores for each student at each school.</li>
  <li>estimate equation $(*)$ instrumenting using equation $(\dagger)$.</li>
</ol>

<p>and you’ll get out estimates of causal school effects!</p>

<p>note that we can also use this procedure if we wanted to look at a <em>class</em> of schools. for example, MDRD1 analyzes the charter sector in denver. to do so, they add up the propensity score at each charter school into a singular “charter propensity score”.</p>

<p>to help confirm our faith in these propensity scores, we can perform a <strong>balance test</strong>. in essence, if these propensity scores are actually good, they should be unrelated to all other controls in our regression, or really any data that came from before assignment. this means that for any control $W_i$ (like gender, race, pre-existing test scores, how many schools they applied to, …), we can estimate the following equation:</p>

\[W_i =  \zeta_s D_i(s) + \sum_x \alpha_0(x)d_i(x) + \varepsilon_i \tag{$\ddagger$}\]

<p>we should expect $\zeta_s = 0$; intuitively, these propensity scores should mean that we don’t observe any other selection bias.</p>

<p>note also that we <em>can</em> include these <strong>controls</strong> into the regressions $(\ast)$ and ($\dagger$). at this point, you may ask — what’s the point, given that propensity scores absorb all selection bias? well, doing so can increase the <em>precision</em> of our estimates. if we throw in demographic controls and pre-existing test scores, we will reduce the standard errors in our regression, helping us identify the causal effects more precisely.</p>

<h3 id="why-does-the-mdrd-approximation-work">why does the mdrd approximation work</h3>

<p>at this point, we might ask a natural question: how do we know that the infinite market approximation of propensity scores (i.e., equation $(\S)$), is good enough for a finite market? inspired by <a href="https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLibNZv5Zd0dyCoQ6f4pdXUFnpAIlKgm3N">WIRED’s “5 levels” video series</a> (my personal favorite is <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRkgK4jfi6M&amp;list=PLibNZv5Zd0dyCoQ6f4pdXUFnpAIlKgm3N&amp;index=23&amp;t=1s">jacob collier’s</a>), i’m going to answer this question a few times, each with a slightly more detailed explanation. i’d encourage you to at least read at least the first of these arguments, to get a sense of why mdrd works. but as the explanations get more complex, feel free to just skip to the next section.</p>

<hr />

<p><strong>explanation, level 1</strong></p>

<p>we’re going to think about three different quantities</p>

<ol>
  <li>in a real market of size $n$ (i.e., $n$ students), the true propensity scores (i.e., odds of assignment)</li>
  <li>using the observed cutoffs of real market of size $n$, what the MDRD formula $(\S)$ would claim the propensity scores are</li>
  <li>in an “infinite market” that’s just copies of the size-$n$ market, what the true propensity scores are (which also is the propensity score given by the MDRD formula $(\S)$).</li>
</ol>

<p>as you let $n$ grow two things happen:</p>

<ul>
  <li>the quantity in (2) approaches the quantity in (3)</li>
  <li>the quantity in (1) approaches the quantity in (3)</li>
</ul>

<p>that means that when $n$ goes to infinity, all three need to be equal. so essentially, in a big enough market, using the MDRD estimates with observed cutoffs (i.e., (2)) will approach the real odds (1). because this happens when $n$ gets big,  that means so long as we have enough students applying, the MDRD formula will be a good enough approximation for the true odds, since (2) will be close to (3) and (3) will be close to (1).</p>

<hr />

<p><strong>explanation, level 2</strong></p>

<p>let’s give those three quantities names.</p>

<p class="notice--warning"><strong>note:</strong> it’s for this section (explaining the approximation) that i depart from the notation used above, and return to the notation that is used in MDRD1. really sorry for the confusion, but i hope that it’s made what happened above just a tad clearer.</p>

<ol>
  <li>let $p_{ns}(\theta)$ be the true propensity score for type $\theta$ attending school $s$ in a market of size $n$.</li>
  <li>let $\widehat{p}_{ns}(\theta)$ be the estimated propensity score for type $\theta$ attending school $s$ in a market of size $n$ using the estimated cutoffs and the MDRD formula $(\S)$</li>
  <li>let $\varphi_s(\theta)$ be the true propensity score for type $\theta$ attending school $s$ in a market of infinite size. (above, we called this propensity score $p_s(\theta)$.)</li>
</ol>

<p>what we’re going to do is show two things:</p>

<ul>
  <li>as $n \to \infty$, \(\widehat{p}_{ns}(\theta) \to \varphi_s(\theta)\) 100% of the time. this is going to be true because as $n \to \infty$, the observed cutoffs in the finite market will become the cutoffs in the infinite market. because \(\widehat{p}_{ns}(\theta)\) is just a function of observed cutoffs, that means it should go to the propensity scores of the infinite market, or \(\varphi_s(\theta)\).</li>
  <li>as $n \to \infty$, \({p}_{ns}(\theta) \to \varphi_s(\theta)\) 100% of the time. this has a similar, but distinct, argument. note that even in finite economies, the cutoff representation of DA holds; however, these cutoffs might change depending on the exact lottery draws. if we try out a lot of different lottery draws when there are $n$ students, the true propensity score of type $\theta$ at $s$, counting the likelihood of being rejected from schools they like to $s$ ($B_{\theta s}$) but making $s$’s cutoff. these cutoffs might be different in each lottery draw, but if we let $n$ be big enough, then these cutoffs will get arbitrarily close to the infinite-market cutoffs, and so we can get as close to the infinite-market propensity scores as we want.</li>
</ul>

<p>because these two sequences converge to the same limit, they also must converge to each other.</p>

<hr />

<p><strong>explanation 3</strong></p>

<p>let’s be a bit more precise about what we mean by markets getting “big”. suppose that types are drawn from some distribution $F$. consider a sequence of markets where types are distributed according to $f_n$ (market $n$ having $n$ students). we’ll make this sequence deterministic, deciding in advance what each market of size $n$ will look like. we’ll construct this sequence of markets so that as $n \to \infty$, we have that $f_n \to F$.</p>

<p>we’ve also been playing a bit loose with what an “infinite” market means. if we want to be technical, what i’ve been calling an infinite market is really a continuum market, where students are “atoms”, have scores distributed exactly as $U[0, 1]$, and come from the type distribution $F$. but that’s just a more technical note to help if you read the paper.</p>

<p>our two lemmas we want to prove, more precisely, are:</p>

<ul>
  <li>as $n \to \infty$, \(\widehat{p}_{ns} (\theta) \xrightarrow{\text{a.s.}} \varphi_s(\theta)\), i.e., converges almost surely. the argument here first involves showing that the cutoff vector in the finite market approaches the infinite-market cutoffs, i.e., \(\widehat{\mathbf{c}}_{n} \xrightarrow{\text{a.s.}} \mathbf{c}\). the argument here is a little complicated, but it revolves around showing that the limit of \(\widehat{\mathbf{c}}_{ns}\) can’t be larger than \(\mathbf{c}_s\) because you can arrive at a contradiction with DA. we use an extra assumption here that we didn’t mention earlier, which is that for each school and priority group, someone ranks it first. then, because this holds, and the MDRD function (equation $(\S)$) is continuous in its arguments (aka, cutoffs), the extended continuous mapping theorem says that if we apply the MDRD function to both sides, the convergence will still hold. that gets us to the desired result.</li>
  <li>as $n \to \infty$, \({p}_{ns}(\theta) \xrightarrow{\text{a.s.}} \varphi_s(\theta)\). here, we show we can find a sufficiently large $N$ where when the market has size $n &gt; N$, with probability 1, the drawn cutoffs will be within $\varepsilon$ of the infinite-market cutoffs. because of that, with probability 1, the true odds can also be arbitrarily close to the infinite-market cutoffs. that gives us the desired convergence.</li>
</ul>

<p>because of these results, for each school $s$, we have that</p>

\[\left| \widehat{p}_{ns}(\theta) - {p}_{ns}(\theta) \right| \xrightarrow{\text{a.s.}} \left| {\varphi}_{s}(\theta) - {\varphi}_{s}(\theta) \right| = 0\]

<p>meaning that convergence always holds. if we also say that we have finite schools and types, this also gives us uniform convergence.</p>

<hr />

<p>explanation 3 will be my last one — if you want more details, refer to lemma 3 + lemma 4 in MDRD1, which are proved in appendix A.5.</p>

<h3 id="shortcomings-of-mdrd">shortcomings of mdrd</h3>

<p>now — i also want to draw attention to a specific shortcoming of mdrd as it stands at the end of MDRD1+2.</p>

<p>the methodology that we figured out is a <em>large</em>-market approximation. and so it might make sense to think about how it performs when the number of students is small — the cutoffs might not be accurate, and the MDRD formulas won’t hold exactly. notably, MDRD1 and MDRD2 both do evaluation at the level of <em>sets</em> of schools, rather than individual schools, in part because of this finite sample problem.</p>

<p>as a simple example: consider one school with two applicants, $i_1$ and $i_2$, who draw a random number $r_i \sim U[0, 1]$ to determine who gets admitted. clearly, each student has a $\frac12$ probability of admission. the expected cutoff would be the expectation of the lower number — using results from order statistics, we know that this is $\frac13$. but applying the MDRD formula $(\S)$, we’d say that each student has a propensity score of assignment of $\frac13$. clearly, something’s up here.</p>

<p>however, the fact that propensity scores are off isn’t the worst thing ever. we’ll still control for some omitted variable bias, and aggregating across schools limits the magnitude of this problem. in fact, proposition 2 (p. 1398) outlines how the lottery numbers will still be “good enough” if lottery numbers are close to uniform conditional on cutoffs. some of this is also solved in the RC VAM paper (“<a href="https://blueprintcdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/03/Blueprint-Published-Paper-2024-Angrist-et-al.pdf">Credible School Value-Added with Undersubscribed School Lotteries</a>”, Angrist et al. 2024), which shows ways that we can use these MDRD-generated propensity scores to generate school-level value-added measures anyways. but we still can run into these issues, and MDRD might be a long ways off from being fully efficient.</p>

<p>there’s one other shortcoming that i’ll discuss, but that needs to wait until the MDRD2 post!</p>

<hr />

<h2 id="conclusion">conclusion</h2>

<p>and… we’re done! ish. about 13,000 words later, we’ve gone through MDRD1, the first in a two-part series about doing causal estimation using centralized school choice systems. for systems using deferred acceptance and where each school uses a lottery to admit students, we now know how to find each student’s propensity score at each school. using those propensity scores, we can run a series of regressions to find the causal effect of attendance at each school (or, a whole school sector).</p>

<p>MDRD2 exists to fill in a big gap of MDRD1 has: the ability to handle schools that <em>don’t</em> have lotteries, but still participate in the centralized mechanism. these admissions could be based on test scores, interviews, auditions, portfolios, and more. tons of these schools exist in the world, and we have absolutely no way of dealing with them … for now! using the powers of regression discontinuity and all of the things we’ve learned — we’re not <em>too</em> far off from being able to do this.</p>

<p>but with MDRD1 now explained, it’s time for this blog post to end. stay tuned for the future — i’m hoping (read: making a public promise) to write posts on:</p>

<ul>
  <li>MDRD 2 (Breaking Ties: Regression Discontinuity Design Meets Market Design (Abdulkadiroğlu, Angrist, Narita, and Pathak, 2022))</li>
  <li>how does deferred acceptance work, and explaining some of its really cool properties (stability, side-optimality, opposing interests, strategy-proofness, rural hospitals)</li>
  <li>also maybe i’ll come back and add in some pictures for this post? sometimes i find they can really help with the explanation</li>
  <li>preference structural estimation things?</li>
</ul>

<p>we’ll see how well these promises can be kept. i’m hopeful :)</p>

<div class="footnotes" role="doc-endnotes">
  <ol>
    <li id="fn:0" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>i’m hoping to make a “deferred acceptance” mega-post one day, explaining how it works and its various properties, like stability, rural hospitals, side-optimality, opposing interests, etc. <a href="#fnref:0" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:14" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>don’t feel obligated to memorize all of this notation now; the point of introducing (almost all of) the notation here is so that it can be a reference as you read the post. <a href="#fnref:14" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:4" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>i.e., students never are indifferent between two schools <a href="#fnref:4" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:5" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>students have ranks over every school. but, knowing that $s_0$​ is the outside option with infinite capacity, a student will never be assigned to a school they like less than $s_0$​ — so we can just ignore preferences past that point. <a href="#fnref:5" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:15" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>we’ll allow for these non-lotto tiebreakers, also known as <em>screens</em>, when we get to MDRD2! <a href="#fnref:15" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:3" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>note that we don’t need to know school capacities! those are incorporated into the cutoffs themselves <a href="#fnref:3" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:2" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>note this applies to both schools with excess capacity and schools that fill their capacity exactly without every denying admission to anyone; the latter group is harder to see in the data at a glance. the easiest way to check is to look at the set of students who ranked school $s$​​; if all of them are assigned to either $s$​​ or a school they like better than $s$​​, then $c_s$​​ = 1. <a href="#fnref:2" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:6" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>not casual! <a href="#fnref:6" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:16" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>which i only namedrop if you want more information about it. also, <a href="https://doi.org/10.2307/2335942">Rosenbaum + Rubin (1983)</a>! <a href="#fnref:16" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:1" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>to be clear, we will estimate this equation one school at a time. <a href="#fnref:1" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:7" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>propensity scores are a fancy word for saying “what’s the likelihood that person $i$​ was assigned to some ”treatment”, in this case, attending school $s$​. <a href="#fnref:7" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:9" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>doing so means that for some fixed propensity score $x$​​​, the coefficient $a_2(x)$​​​ will be the mean of outcomes of students with propensity score $x$​​​ who didn’t get assigned to $s$​​​. then, $\beta_s$​​​ is taking a weighted average of the effect for each of the different propensity scores we’re bucketing together. <a href="#fnref:9" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:17" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>this is the <em>LATE</em> (local average treatment effect) interpretation of instrumental variables, introduced by Angrist (of Blueprint Labs!) and Imbens in 1991 (see <a href="https://www.nber.org/system/files/working_papers/t0118/t0118.pdf">here</a>). <a href="#fnref:17" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:18" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>for more formality on this, you can refer to MDRD1 or take a look at <a href="https://www.journals.uchicago.edu/doi/full/10.1086/687476">Azevedo + Leshno (2016)</a> or the many other papers that look at large-market approximations. <a href="#fnref:18" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:19" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>at least, the third line of it, and with $\tau$​ for $c$​ — we’ll get to the differences when we talk about priorities. <a href="#fnref:19" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:12" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>we didn’t actually need to include an $s_0$​ in any of the calculations above; it’s just convenient to have for describing DA as cutoffs. but we could run the whole logic of the sections without $s_0$​, in which case, priority scores will not sum to 1. <a href="#fnref:12" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:10" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>for those of you math-y folks out there, this proof is in the same vein as the <a href="https://www.wikiwand.com/en/articles/Probabilistic_method">probabilistic method</a>. <a href="#fnref:10" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:13" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>my coding up of MDRD actually actually runs in $O(n(VSK))$​​ right now, largely because quicker is difficult in Stata and it’s much easier to check intermediate calculations this way. usually, $V$​​ is quite small, especially in systems with a common lottery draw. we don’t usually care about runtime, but my inner algorithms nerd definitely feels bad for not over-engineering it. alas, i’m an economist and not a SWE, and so we don’t care about runtime. usually. it gets a little bad when every school uses a different lottery number, but that’s for future code refactoring. <a href="#fnref:13" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:8" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>in MDRD1, these types are given as sets $\Theta_s^a, \Theta_s^c, \Theta_s^n$​​; i’m following the MDRD2 notation here. <a href="#fnref:8" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:21" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>the phrasing “isn’t always accepted” is important here; i didn’t use “is assigned with probability strictly between $0$ and $1$” for a reason: it is the case that if $t_{is} = c$, then $i$ might never be accepted by $c$. this can happen because of two reasons. (a) at some school that $s’$ that $i$ likes more than $s$ (i.e., $s’ \succ_i s$), $t_{is’} = a$ (i.e., they’re better than the marginal priority at $s’$. if this is the case, then the worst that $i$ can do is be assigned to $s’$, since $s’$ would never reject them. that means they never get assigned to $s’$. (b) at some school that $s’$ that $i$ likes more than $s$ (i.e., $s’ \succ_i s$), $t_{is’} = c$ (i.e., they’re in the marginal priority at $s’$, $v(s) = v(s’)$ (i.e., they use the same score), and $c_{s’} &gt; c_s$ (i.e., $c_{s’}$ has a more lenient cutoff). if this is the case, then if $i$ gets rejected from $s’$, we know that their random draw $r_i^{v(s)}$ must be worse than $c_{s’}$, and so $i$ can never meet the cutoff $c_s$. an alternative way to say this is that under this circumstance, we know that $\mathrm{MID}_{\theta s}^{v(s)} &gt; c_s$. <a href="#fnref:21" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:11" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>in fact, the second method is what i use to code up mdrd. <a href="#fnref:11" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:20" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>i’m actually going to explain this in a slightly way than MDRD1 does. refer to p. 1392 and the table at the top of p. 1393 for the original explanation. <a href="#fnref:20" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
    <li id="fn:22" role="doc-endnote">
      <p>if we have priority groups, and we’re using way #1 to deal with them (where we have the $a$, $c$, and $n$ assignment groups, then we shouldn’t compare <em>all</em> students who have the same set of $\mathrm{MID}$s; we also should only compare students with the same $\mathrm{MID}$s who also belong to the same assignment group (either $a$, $c$, or $n$). we get around this issue using way #2 of dealing with priority groups because we don’t use these $a$/$c$/$n$ designations :) <a href="#fnref:22" class="reversefootnote" role="doc-backlink">&#8617;</a></p>
    </li>
  </ol>
</div>]]></content><author><name>phi adajar</name></author><category term="teaching" /><category term="economics" /><category term="mdrd" /><summary type="html"><![CDATA[talking through an econometrica paper]]></summary></entry><entry><title type="html">throughlines</title><link href="https://padajar.com/2025/03/14/throughlines/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="throughlines" /><published>2025-03-14T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2025-03-14T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://padajar.com/2025/03/14/throughlines</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://padajar.com/2025/03/14/throughlines/"><![CDATA[<div class="notice--warning"><b>Note:</b> this blog was originally written on the MIT Admissions Blog <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/throughlines/">here</a>. Because of things like footnotes and images, it’s best you read it on that site! This page will redirect you in 10 seconds.</div>
<meta http-equiv="refresh" content="10;URL=https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/throughlines/" />

<p>helloooooooo blogosphere!</p>

<p>so i wasn’t planning on posting this week — the usual feelings of hosage, and what to write, and all of that. but reading everyone’s blogs has brought me so much joy, and i’m sitting here on a Sunday afternoon just being chronically online, and so i have decided to give myself exactly one (1) hour to write this blog. we are starting at 4:18 PM GMT, and we will see what is to come.</p>

<hr />

<p>gmt. greenwich mean time. i’m in the united kingdom for the first time! i just came back from my first sunday roast with some grad school friends and collaborators, which was absolutely delicious and had far too much food but i will enjoy the leftovers for many meals this week.</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/PXL_20250126_124213045-1000x753.jpg" alt="a dining table at a sunday brunch. yummy food on table" /></p>

<p>beef roast, Yorkshire pudding, leeks, cabbage, potatoes, cheesy cauliflower, and sooo much more. all incredible</p>

<p>i’m here in Southampton on grad studenting business. it is still wild to me that i’m a grad student at MIT, that i’ve been around here for 8 years, that i only have 5 more semesters of mit and then i will never be a student again, that there is a world in which in 2.5 years i leave this place that i call home.</p>

<p>the grad school things are going. as said in many more words in other posts, i was never someone who was fully sold on grad school. there are times where grad school has been hard, because of so many reasons — mental health, trying to figure out what to work on, feeling like nothing i was working on was interesting or would make a difference in the world, things in my personal life. but i think in the last year, things have started to take a bit more of an upswing. i’ve met kids who are such nerds that were so happy to be a part of my research giving them more math materials. i’ve worked with entire cities’ school districts to help them figure out how to manage their school assignment process. heck, i’m in the UK right now looking at a whole <em>country’s</em> admissions data to analyze some policy questions. if i look back on senior year me, and <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/leaning-in/">the ways they were thinking about what grad school could be</a>, these were the types of things i could only dream of doing them. and just like how whenever i bike to the department, i look across killian and up to the big dome, and think about how wild it is that i’m here at mit. in that same vein, there is this sense of awe at “wow, i cannot believe i’m actually doing this.”</p>

<hr />

<p>mit. <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/ten/">ten years</a>.</p>

<p>at the end of this year, cambridge will be the longest i’ve lived in any one place. and honestly it does feel like it is home these days. nevada, where i am ostensibly from, was only really home for the people it had. and so many of those people are now scattered around the country. including right in Boston — one of my dearest and closest friends from HS lives just a 20-minute trek down the Orange line, just 8 minutes from the Green Street stop. and i’m there multiple times a month, and it is a joy to keep him in my life in this way. and now i’m friends with his partners, and friends of those partners, and also their cat beanie who is an adorable void cat with one brain cell, and we play DnD together across multiple campaigns (i am perhaps too proud of the Aussie and Irish accents i’ve been developing for wella and myrna, respectively). and i am very grateful to Boston and the people i’m around for being this community in my life. the high school friends who’ve known me forever, the grad school friends who commiserate about and share the joys of work, the old undergrad friends who get together and give each other snark and visit texas roadhouse once a year for <del>valentine’s day</del> <del>our birthday</del> mystery hunt.</p>

<p>and while i am someone who has been afraid of <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/motivation-2/">stagnation</a>, and still am, it’s something that i’ve felt better about over time. part of that is because of this buildup of community — as someone who moved around a lot as a kid, boston is the first place where i’ve felt settled, where i know how to get around without needing to look up directions, where there are all of these people around me i care about and who care about me, where i feel so <em>comfortable</em> and so much like me.</p>

<p>but the other part of it, and perhaps more important, is recognizing that change will <em>always</em> happen. i think i didn’t use to always believe this. when a close friend asked me, a year or so out of undergrad, how much i’d changed in various eras of life, i said something about how i felt like most of my changing in life (~80%?) had happened to be in high school, the period of my life where i felt like i “became a person”. and maybe 15% had happened in college, and 5% afterward. and to paolo circa 2022, that was truly what i believed.</p>

<p>but i think 2022-me was biased to believe that because the ways that i changed in college were more subtle. yes, high school may have been where i came into a self for the first time. and the values of HS me may have been kept throughout college, and through until now, but the ways i’ve changed have been more about how i interpret those values, the ways i choose to live them out, the things that get done with them.</p>

<p>i started writing that sentence, only to remember halfway through that it’s exactly <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/decisions-decisions-2/">what my very first sentence</a> on the blogs was.</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>I like to think that people are defined by two things — the values that they hold and the choices that they make. So I figured that a half-decent way of introducing myself to the world (and give a decent overview of the bajillion things I’m busy with these days) is to share some decisions I’ve made over the past few weeks across all sorts of areas in my life. In alphabetical order…</p>
</blockquote>

<p>funny how things come full circle. (time check: 4:47. aaaa.)</p>

<p>there are certainly many ways in which i do feel the same as senior year me, who started blogging 5 years ago during the height of COVID, though often they do play out in different ways. certainly i’m still a very musical person, though it’s now come more to the forefront through a cappella and musicals. i’m also certainly a creature of impulse, making very stupid jokes and enjoying the little things in life.</p>

<p>perhaps the biggest way that last bit comes out is in my GRAing. GRAs, or Graduate Resident Advisors, are grad students who live in undergrad dorms and run study breaks, help students when they need things, provide advice, and just generally be a presence. i like to describe it as “i am an adult if you need one”.</p>

<p>as previously mentioned on the blogs by <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/b1ner-cribs/">Amber ’24</a>, i’m the gra for burton 1 (go b1ners!!). it’s very fun to be the b1ner gra, and not just because several bloggers have passed through (Amber V. ’24, Gosha G. ’24, Allison E. ’27, Veronica P. ’27) (god there are SO many of y’all aren’t there). i do find a very, very deep personal joy in getting to feed the b1ners through finals breakfasts, and being there if someone needs to talk about stress or how life is going or etc. but of course, being me, i also find deep joy in it for running my very, very stupid study breaks, including:</p>

<ul>
  <li>a scavenger/puzzle hunt ending in discovering gallons of tosci’s ice cream in my freezer</li>
  <li>paolo-run taskmaster</li>
  <li>“deface my apartment” (parts 1, 2, and 3, which respectively, created sexy rat, kirby with his dogs out + a debate of whether my freezer was a fridge or a television, and a label saying “gullible” on my ceiling)</li>
</ul>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/PXL_20221221_021748699-800x602.jpg" alt="sexy rat drawn on a storage unit in marker" /></p>

<p>yes, this is my actual storage unit in my actual bedroom. yes, i do look at sexy rat several times a week</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/PXL_20240312_023612835-800x1063.jpg" alt="paolo's fridge. kirby with toes out, many scrawlings saying fridge and television on the freezer." /></p>

<p>but is it a fridge or a television?</p>

<p>Previous Next</p>

<p>(if any b1ners are reading this, this is a secret SECRET announcement that my next study break is going to be T themed. as in, MBTA, tea i’m bringing back from Southampton. a giant T spoon that i made over the holidays. brought to you by the letter T. also lots of British snacks send me your requests :P)</p>

<p>(if you’re not a b1ner, you are <em>not</em> allowed to spill the beans to them. shh.)</p>

<p>(and if you are a b1ner. 💙💙💙 excited to see y’all again soon!)</p>

<hr />

<p>so what are ways i feel like i’ve changed, ways that i didn’t appreciate before but recognize now, or new ways of change that have cropped up?</p>

<ul>
  <li>i think there’s more of a calmness. i know that one friend in particular (hi, dean) would laugh at me for saying this, but truly, i do feel like my life is more calm than it used to be in a way i didn’t use to appreciate. the fact that i take practically all of my evenings and weekends off. that i make time for like 6 hours of DnD every week. that i’ve taken up all of <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/">these hobbies that i never did before.</a> sure, i may still do a <em>lot</em> of things. but i think there’s a sense in which it feels calm because i feel more willing to let things go. to say no to things. to have an evening where i am just by myself, with a youtube video on or with just my thoughts or just looking at some music. and it is nice to do all of that.</li>
  <li>having more self-understanding about various aspects of myself. it’s one of those things where i feel like these blogs aren’t the best place to talk about it (at least, right now), with how intrinsic and personal they are, but those who know me irl will know precisely what i’m referring to. as with all things, it is a journey, and there is a joy in the process.</li>
  <li>a feeling of agency. through undergrad, i was always flying between activity X and Y and Z and then sleeping and then immediately getting back to it in the morning. hanging out with friends would entail psetting. breakfast in the next house dining hall meant reading a paper, too. but in recent years, i have had more of this sense of “i am allowed to make whatever choices i would like”. i can choose to go to LA with friends for a week, because why not? no one is stopping me from auditioning for musicals i am underqualified for, or learning silly accents, or just taking my bike and sitting in a park somewhere for two hours, or from meeting strangers and becoming friends with them, or making puzzle hunts such an integral part of my life that i fly back to Boston for literally 90 hours to do MIT Mystery Hunt.</li>
</ul>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/01/PXL_20250119_223332824-1000x750.jpg" alt="paolo + rfong '12 in selfie form!" /></p>

<p>me w/ rfong ’12 at mystery hunt 2025 :) see danny b.d. ’15’s <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/mystery-hunt-mile-markers/">post</a> for further mystery hunt thoughts</p>

<p>when i was in chicago over the summer, i grabbed coffee with a high school friend. (i actually hadn’t remembered she was in town until i arrived, and the friend i was staying with asked “so… are you planning to meet up with anyone else while you’re here?”) i hadn’t talked to her in almost 4 years, and there was a deep joy in getting to see her again.</p>

<p>it didn’t take long for the rust to fall off of our friendship, and soon we were giving each other snark and talking about all sorts of things in our lives. i’d forgotten that at some point in high school, between being co-TAs and sharing study halls, we decided that we were people who were allowed to just ask each other anything. one particularly interesting conversation topic that we got to was “what are ways that you think you’ve changed from high school for the worse?”</p>

<p>in some ways, this is a bit of the antithesis of the section above. it’s taking a careful look at yourself and pointing to some part of you and saying “i wish that you weren’t there, and you were the way you were 7 years ago”. and it’s because of this that it feels a bit like an unfair question. it is forcing one to make judgments about oneself, to explicitly assign parts of oneself a negative quality.</p>

<p>of course, that isn’t to say i don’t have an answer — i did. but i bring this all up not to share that answer, but rather to focus on the fact that the part of myself i am working on the most right now is that of self-judgment. of letting myself be the person that i am, and leaving it at that. of feeling like i can identify with who i am. a few years ago, i noted with my therapist that i often said phrases like “when X happens, my brain thinks Y…” or “my body feels Z”. on reflection, that’s a very impersonal way of seeing the world — in some ways, beyond <a href="https://www.wikiwand.com/en/articles/Brain_in_a_vat">brain in a jar</a>, where instead i am just experiencing the thoughts and feelings through the lens of some third-party brain and body.</p>

<p>when i talk about agency, and self-understanding, i think this really is what i’m referring to: the idea that i can just be the person i am.</p>

<hr />

<p>i’m a little over time, as it is now 5:24PM, but i’m giving myself a little leeway from adding photos and getting distracted showing some people some photos and one of the grad school friends coming through the kitchen to grab some coffee. we all need a little leeway sometimes, and deadlines often are just recommendations :) [note: this is not advice for your mit app. that one is not a recommendation.]</p>

<p>it’s been fun to see this post come out of absolutely nothing in the last hour, to watch it grow and flourish and become something. and it’s been fun reading everyone’s posts this week, seeing all the ways that the bloggers have changed from their undergrad days, and yet, are still unmistakably <em>them</em>many years later.</p>

<p>wishing all of you the best, and excited to keep seeing the ways in which <em>everyone</em> grows :)</p>]]></content><author><name>phi adajar</name></author><category term="thinking" /><category term="self" /><category term="miscellany" /><category term="life" /><category term="econ" /><category term="mit admissions" /><category term="growth" /><category term="meaning" /><category term="long" /><category term="research" /><summary type="html"><![CDATA[helloooooooo blogosphere! so i wasn’t planning on posting this week — the usual feelings of hosage, and what to write, and all of that. but reading everyone’s blogs has brought me so much joy, and i’m sitting here on a Sunday afternoon just being chronically online, and so i have decided to give myself exactly one (1) hour to write this blog. we are starting at 4:18 PM GMT, and we will see what is to come.]]></summary></entry><entry><title type="html">telling the tale</title><link href="https://padajar.com/2023/08/03/telling-the-tale/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="telling the tale" /><published>2023-08-03T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2023-08-03T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://padajar.com/2023/08/03/telling-the-tale</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://padajar.com/2023/08/03/telling-the-tale/"><![CDATA[<div class="notice--warning"><b>Note:</b> this blog was originally written on the MIT Admissions Blog <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/">here</a>. Because of things like footnotes and images, it’s best you read it on that site! This page will redirect you in 10 seconds.</div>
<meta http-equiv="refresh" content="10;URL=https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/" />

<p><em>hadestown</em> is a tragedy. the narrator, hermes, tells you this in the very first song.</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>See, someone’s got to tell the tale
Whether or not it turns out well
Maybe it will turn out this time
On the road to Hell
On the railroad line
It’s a sad song (It’s a sad song!)
It’s a sad tale, it’s a tragedy
It’s a sad song (It’s a sad song!)
We’re gonna sing it anyway</p>

  <p>— <em>Road to Hell</em>, Hadestown</p>
</blockquote>

<p>in a song that introduces the cast of characters, before we know anything of the plot, we are given a spoiler to the whole musical. expect a bad ending.</p>

<p>hermes tells us this in one of the most upbeat, high-energy songs in the whole musical. this juxtaposition does not seem to be done for comedy, or to emphasize the sad; rather, there is an unironic <em>joy</em> in retelling it. maybe it <em>will</em> turn out this time, maybe something could be different. there is hope.</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/20200122_190043-1000x750.jpg" alt="view of the hadestown stage from the farthest seats possible" /></p>

<p>hadestown stage on broadway, jan 2020</p>

<p>when i saw hadestown in january 2020, it hit me like a train with so many feelings. thinking about love and how relationships can be difficult, of the power of this hodgepodge of different genres, of patrick page’s deep voice, of imagining a better world. it was the last musical i saw before covid.</p>

<hr />

<p>as was <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/sophomore-spring/">briefly mentioned</a> by <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/author/fabbasi/">fatima</a>, i was in a musical this spring! i have always loved musicals, and during my junior spring, briefly joined Next Act, a show performed in Next House for <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/cpw-history/">CPW</a>. but then covid happened and we never got to put it on in full, and in the post-college world, i’d accepted that i’d never get a chance to act.</p>

<p>well, two years of singing a cappella⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-1">01</a> later, and <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/author/alanyzhu/">alan z. ‘23</a> and marissa a. ‘23 managed to sucker me⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-2">02</a> into auditioning for Next Act, and then i was offered a big role, and then i realized i <em>really</em> wanted to do it (when would i get the chance to do this again?), and then suddenly i was thinking about creating a character and how my emotions were being perceived and how to sing with purpose.</p>

<p>we put on a musical that alan wrote⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-3">03</a> titled Remembering Her. a quick synopsis: a daughter in a dysfunctional family, arguing with her mother, yells</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>“You know what! Forget about it. Actually, why don’t you just forget I exist altogether?”</p>
</blockquote>

<p>monkey’s paw, everyone does forget her.</p>

<p>the rest of the musical follows two storylines: the daughter at school dealing with being forgotten, and the family at home feeling like something’s missing. in this musical, i played Kevin, the well-intentioned, very enthusiastic, slightly empty-headed boyfriend, who likes this “new” girl, but is very conflicted because he feels like he’s already dating someone but just can’t quite remember who she is. shyeah.⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-4">04</a></p>

<p>putting on a musical is interesting. every night, you try to take the audience on a journey from start to finish. your character must have an arc as they figure things out about their life and their relationships with others and their relationship with the world. doing this even <em>once</em> was hard. learning how to be expressive in my speech, my singing, my face, my movement. i am generally unexpressive besides showing excitement, and spent a lot of time thinking about how to portray emotions like loss and worry in a genuine way.</p>

<p>doing this <em>multiple</em> times, though, was even harder. once you’ve figured out how you’d like to express something, it is easy to file it away into muscle memory. but doing so felt counterproductive: every night was supposed to feel <em>fresh</em> and <em>real</em>, rather than rote and memorized. the audience should not be able to tell that you’ve told it many times before; they should feel like the characters are truly experiencing these emotions in their world.</p>

<p>i have only one musical of acting experience; in no way do i feel like i know how to do this well. looking back at our show recordings, there are so many things i wish i could have done differently. but it was fun learning as much as i could in the span of 7 weeks. straddling the line between comedy relief and a character going through a hard time.⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-5">05</a> figuring out intonation in all of my words. just thinking through all of these little aspects of what makes up Kevin and getting into his headspace. and keeping all of those at the forefront of my mind for three straight nights of performances (and two run-throughs the days immediately prior).</p>

<p>i enjoyed it. maybe more acting to come in my future. we’ll see.</p>

<hr />

<p><a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/science-bowl/">science bowl</a> meant a lot to me as a high school student. i made really close friends, learned cool math and physics, and made so many good memories. ever since, i’ve organized and volunteered for scibowl to help others have those same experiences — and this year, i also helped out at the in-person national competition.</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/PXL_20230501_123007515-scaled-e1691076922707-1000x565.jpg" alt="stage for national science bowl finals" /></p>

<p>the stage from this year’s national science bowl competition</p>

<p>volunteering for scibowl naturally leads to some déjà vu. <em>that used to be me, sitting in those seats, stressed about answering questions right.</em> of course, that is me no longer. i know far less math and science now compared to me 6 years ago.⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-6">06</a> i have a whole different set of priorities these days. i’ve seen so much more in life.</p>

<p>but i also see myself in them still. the joy of getting a question right when you aren’t quite sure. cheering on (or up) teammates. making memories. but it is no longer me having those experiences; i sit on the other side of the judges’ table, feeling all of these things vicariously.</p>

<p>my high school made it this year, and so i spent some out-of-competition time just chatting with my coach. we reminisce about the good old days, talk about how the school is different (and the same) from my time, and just catch up on each other’s lives. it’s a very different type of relationship than we had when i was a student, and it is nice to watch these things change.</p>

<hr />

<p>boston has taken on a whole new life since becoming a graduate student. my first year of undergrad, i don’t think i left campus except to eat meals at bonchon⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-7">07</a> and yamato ii.⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-8">08</a> this is only a slight exaggeration — i did leave a few times to see some friends at harvard, and that summer i saw a few musicals at the boston opera house, but truly, i was in the mit bubble.</p>

<p>this changed a lot my senior year. i lived off-campus (albeit during the main covid lockdowns), naturally bringing me away from campus. no longer on a dining plan, i went out for groceries and got too much takeout. that spring i <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/scootin-and-zoomin/">got a bike</a>, which has made boston feel simultaneously much smaller (so much quicker to get to faraway places!) and bigger (so many new places to explore!). i’ve started going to a gym over in somerville, occasionally take a 20-minute ride to allston for dinner, and sometimes just wander up and down the charles for fun. it is not like any of these locations fundamentally changed in the last six years; it is just that my way of experiencing it has changed.</p>

<p>these days, i can navigate to most places in camberville⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-9">09</a> without needing to look at a map along the way. and it feels almost as if i am in a new city. a whole city to explore and live in, trying to find ways to be part of the broader community and not just a student who will be here for a short while. i think i feel very far from having actually achieved this, but i hope that i’m on my way.</p>

<hr />

<p>as i talked to friends that watched Next Act, i learned that my own interpretation of my character was not necessarily shared with everyone. is he no thoughts, head empty? is he actually cool in-universe? is he a serious character? <a href="https://www.wikiwand.com/en/The_Death_of_the_Author">the author is dead</a>, so they say, but i guess so is the actor.</p>

<p>moreover — what stuck out to people watching the show? some were in it for the comedy: the laughs and gags, like the grandparents and powerade. others, the solos and harmonies, the foxtrot and hip-hop. or maybe it was seeing a dysfunctional family that felt <em>real</em> in its dysfunction, and feeling seen. or the feeling of being alone, and being found, and belonging. or of seeing the love in on-stage relationships.</p>

<p>in general, as a writer and a person, i don’t feel like i can say anything authoritatively (beyond facts, of course). “this is the advice you should follow”, or “this is what i want you to take from this post”. to do so requires a knowledge of an individual person, through and through, and getting to know <em>anyone</em> on that level is a lifelong task. and so naturally, i don’t believe in authorial intent, for to do so implies that the meaning and lesson should be identical for everyone.</p>

<p>but for some reason, this was not my instinct post-nact. there was this gut feeling of <em>ownership</em> of “no, this is what my character is supposed to be”. but i did not write his words, or craft the story arcs: i simply said the lines and tried to embody the character. i <em>know</em> i have no ownership⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-10">10</a> over him or his interpretation whatsoever; but i wish that feeling went away without needing me to consciously let go of it.</p>

<p>in some ways, i think that instinct exists as a protective reflex. if things are seen only in the way you intended, there is nothing to fear — you know what the narrative will be and how you will be <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/perception/">perceived</a>. but in doing so, we deprive people of the ability to interpret the world through their own lens, and lose out on making something that can be meaningful to each person.</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/FtVNllJaUAAgd_z-1000x563.jpeg" alt="paolo on stage at rehearsal" /></p>

<p>a rehearsal pic (pc alan z ’23)</p>

<hr />

<p>occasionally, when reading a book (or consuming some other form of media), i have the conscious realization that i am sharing in something with thousands or millions of other people. all of us, seeing the same words, watching the same scenes, together. sure, we may not be doing it at <em>literally</em> the same time, but there is this notion of a <em>collective</em> formed by this shared experience.</p>

<p>and from here, my thoughts wander to the concept of <em>timelessness</em>. the idea that something can connect with people across cultures, across generations, across time, through some deep underlying thread of humanity. that it can encapsulate a part of what it means to be a person.</p>

<p>i wonder what that must be like as an author. to know that you are taking all of those people through the same journey. of course, not literally the same journey — as i just talked about, it is up to each person to decide exactly what something means. but as a creator, you have taken everyone through the same broad motions, and everyone is building their own meaning upon the same foundation.</p>

<p>in some ways, it’s a bit like the timelessness of philosophy. sure, it is up to each person to find their own individual meaning, but the fact that we⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-11">11</a> still read plato and socrates and locke and hobbes and so many other philosophers means that there is something about these questions and answers that spans time.</p>

<p>when i think about what gives <em>me</em> meaning, my answers are still roughly the same shape as <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/on-success-meaning-and-time/#meaning">when i talked about it a few years ago</a>. i think that’s the only kind of <em>timelessness</em> i can ever expect to achieve: finding something that is <em>my</em> truth. of course, i do not expect this to be an answer that is right forever. i’m sure that one day, i will be a different person, with a different set of priorities, who wants different things out of life. but that day has not come yet, and that post is timeless, for a short while, for <em>me</em>.</p>

<hr />

<p>many of my past few posts have mentioned wanting to blog more, but not really feeling the motivation.</p>

<p>i started drafting this post a few weeks ago, after seeing <a href="https://docseuss.medium.com/using-chatgpt-and-other-ai-writing-tools-makes-you-unhireable-heres-why-d66d33e0ddb9">this article </a>talking about the rise of AI in the last year. i haven’t decided how much i agree with, but there are a few paragraphs that made me think a lot.</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>Storytelling is a way for humans to understand ourselves. Storytellers are people who understand people well enough that they can tell compelling stories; in other words, a storyteller is a bullshit artist in the way a stage magician is. The best audience, a willing one, is here to go along for the ride; we all know it’s bullshit — these events did not <em>really</em> happen, but we want to treat it as if it is, because that’s how, in doing so, we can be receptive to the emotions driving the writing, and the art can do the work that art is actually here to do: to help us understand ourselves and each other.</p>

  <p>No one <em>cares</em> about ‘content,’ stuff that’s just words with no intent or meaning. No one gets it, responds to it, feels anything about it. We remember the things that make us <em>feel</em> — we hear that song that us and our ex shared and we think about it in a certain <em>way</em>. We read that story that reminds us so much of a difficult time in our life and how it helped us, and it <em>hits us</em> square in the emotions. Our memory is emtional, our ability to be persuaded is emotional, every experience we’ve ever had is baked into our fuckin <em>soul</em> with the emotions that we felt when we had those experiences.</p>

  <p>Any kind of storytelling — even the wordless storytelling of a silent film or a game without dialogue — is emotional storytelling first and foremost. And for that emotion to work, because emotion is a thing that requires the utmost precision, it must have some level of genuine thought behind it.</p>

  <p>That’s how being a bullshit artist works, after all.</p>

  <p>—Doc Burford</p>
</blockquote>

<p>around this same time, i came across these tweets:</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/Screenshot-2023-08-03-163101.png" alt="screenshot of tweets. text for screenreaders is below" /></p>

<p>user 1: do you guys ever think about the old xkcd’s, the ones that were full of yearning, that approached moments of transcendence
quotetweet by randall munroe: Alphabet Notes http://xkcd.com/2794</p>

<p>user 2: copying here since I’m frowning at the pathologizing in other replies, there’s surely some flanderization and some phoning it in because it’s his job now, but I feel like the main thing is his yearnings were actually fulfilled
quotetweet by user 2: maybe his life is just fine now? the early days comics that weren’t silly jokes were about pining for love he didn’t have or wishing he could escape a job he was trapped in. now he’s married and doesn’t work so they’re all just silly jokes</p>

<p>perhaps me blogging less is a result of me having fewer “big questions” that i can figure out in the open. many of those big questions (like what to do after college) were answered, and i am still wrapping my head around the next big questions of growing and changing in your mid-20s. and so it feels as if there is less substance, less emotion, to underlie my writing.</p>

<p>perhaps this is a bit of why i enjoyed being a part of a musical. a medium where i have a message to try and convey and convince people of, without it necessarily being mine. i’m not sure.</p>

<hr />

<p>after the last Next Act performance, we all spent a few hours disassembling the stage, and so i ended up staying in my old dorm⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-12">12</a> through the start of Karaoke, a CPW event that next house often decides to run.</p>

<p>i stayed for a little bit in the area that overlooks the basement, small-talking with some nactors and nact prodstaff, thanking them for letting me be a part of it all. along that railing, you don’t have the best view of the karaoke lyrics⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-13">13</a> but you do have a pretty good view of the event itself.</p>

<p>it is a joy to see everyone singing along, tossing balloons, giving hugs. i saw students i met when they were frosh, now the upperclassmen running events. i saw pre-frosh, jamming along with their new friends, some of them deciding in that moment that next house (and mit) was where they wanted to spend their next four years.</p>

<p>it’s interesting watching all of this happen, because that used to be me. i used to be the upperclassman talking to prefrosh, saying <em>here’s some cpw advice</em> and <em>here’s helping you think through your college decision</em> and <em>you should totally come to this event</em>. and i used to be that prefrosh bumbling around and trying to experience everything i could about mit, deciding if i wanted to come here.</p>

<p>but i am no longer that person, and never will be again. while the event is the same and the place is the same, i can never experience it in the same way again. and i don’t really <em>want</em> to; my time in these spaces has passed, and it is now a space for others to make their own memories and meaning. while i am glad for the time i got to spend there, my communities are elsewhere now. and these are no longer communities for me to join in the same way.</p>

<p>it is the same feeling when i look back at esp or science bowl or other formative aspects of my mit experience. this was a thing that was good, yes, but the time for it in my life has passed. sometimes things changed, but not always; however, it is always the case that <em>i</em> have changed.</p>

<hr />

<p><em>hadestown</em> was the first musical i saw after covid lockdowns ended. a lot had happened in those intervening 22 months. i’d moved off campus. started (and stopped) learning guitar. finished undergrad. bought a bike. started grad school. stopped dating my partner of a few years.</p>

<p>my second watching of this show was very different than the first. while of course, it was the same musical as i had seen the first time, it also wasn’t. sure, there were all of these surface changes — orpheus changing from acoustic to electric guitar, hermes seeming a bit more like a car salesman, hades singing an octave up. but becuase <em>i</em> was not the same person, i experienced it in a completely different way.</p>

<p>the penultimate song of <em>hadestown</em> is a reprise of its first. the musical, as hermes promised, has not ended well for orpheus and euridyce.</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>It’s a sad song
It’s a sad tale
It’s a tragedy
It’s a sad song
But we sing it anyway</p>

  <p>To know how it ends
And still begin to sing it again
As if it might turn out this time
I learned that from a friend of mine</p>

  <p>[…]</p>

  <p>He could make you see how the world could be
In spite of the way that it is
Can you see it?
Can you hear it?
Can you feel it like a train?
Is it coming?
Is it coming this way?</p>

  <p>— <em>Road to Hell (Reprise)</em>, Hadestown</p>
</blockquote>

<p><em>as if it might turn out this time.</em></p>

<p>though it may not turn out this time, it is still worth telling again. because when we do so, it <em>will</em> be a different story.</p>

<h2 id="post-tagged">Post Tagged</h2>

<ul>
  <li><a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/tag/changes/">#changes</a></li>
  <li></li>
  <li><a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/tag/im-old/">#i’m old</a></li>
  <li></li>
  <li><a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/tag/the-meaning-of-life/">#the meaning of life</a></li>
  <li></li>
  <li><a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/tag/theater/">#theater</a></li>
</ul>

<ol>
  <li>which i also thought i’d never get to do⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-trigger-1">back to text↑</a></li>
  <li>i say this jokingly. i suckered myself into doing it⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-trigger-2">back to text↑</a></li>
  <li>a long story that i feel is not necessarily mine to tell⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-trigger-3">back to text↑</a></li>
  <li>imagine me surfer shaka-ing here. this is the single word that defines my character⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-trigger-4">back to text↑</a></li>
  <li>alan has just texted me describing kevin as “comedy relief with a soul”, without me sharing the above sentence with them⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-trigger-5">back to text↑</a></li>
  <li>but does that stop me from trying to play along? no⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-trigger-6">back to text↑</a></li>
  <li>my friend group went for almost everyone’s birthday⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-trigger-7">back to text↑</a></li>
  <li>where we went for the combined bday for me and a friend, and <em>the</em> all-you-can eat sushi place in boston⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-trigger-8">back to text↑</a></li>
  <li>portmanteau for cambridge and somerville⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-trigger-9">back to text↑</a></li>
  <li>if anything, that should go to the person that actually wrote the play. hi, alan⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-trigger-10">back to text↑</a></li>
  <li>as a society. not me personally that much⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-trigger-11">back to text↑</a></li>
  <li>yes yes back in the olden days i was a nextie⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-trigger-12">back to text↑</a></li>
  <li>but that did not stop me from singing at the top of my lungs⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/telling-the-tale/#annotation-trigger-13">back to text↑</a></li>
</ol>]]></content><author><name>phi adajar</name></author><category term="thinking" /><category term="self" /><category term="miscellany" /><category term="life" /><category term="mit admissions" /><category term="growth" /><category term="musicals" /><category term="meaning" /><category term="long" /><summary type="html"><![CDATA[hadestown is a tragedy. the narrator, hermes, tells you this in the very first song.]]></summary></entry><entry><title type="html">ten</title><link href="https://padajar.com/2023/03/15/ten/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="ten" /><published>2023-03-15T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2023-03-15T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://padajar.com/2023/03/15/ten</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://padajar.com/2023/03/15/ten/"><![CDATA[<div class="notice--warning"><b>Note:</b> this blog was originally written on the MIT Admissions Blog <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/ten/">here</a>. Because of things like footnotes and images, it’s best you read it on that site! This page will redirect you in 10 seconds.</div>
<meta http-equiv="refresh" content="10;URL=https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/ten/" />

<p><a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/ihtfp/">IHTFP</a>.</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/IMG_0137-800x600.jpg" alt="mit dome with snow" /></p>

<p>the dome</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/IMG_0117-800x1067.jpg" alt="stata with snow" /></p>

<p>stata</p>

<p>Previous Next</p>

<p>We make fun of the architecture a lot here, but sometimes, MIT really does look nice.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, these are not recent photos. No snow lies on this ground this Valentine’s Day (though of course, love is in the air). These two photos are from Valentine’s Day 2013, during my first time on MIT’s campus — and I’ve spent the past week thinking about how it has been a <em>decade</em> since MIT entered my life.</p>

<hr />

<p>It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. While I’d like to blog (both on here and not), I haven’t been. Finding time to sit back and reflect and then put it all into words in a way that reflects what I think is <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/motivation-2/">difficult</a>. And finding that time (especially when blogging isn’t my “job” anymore), even harder.</p>

<p>Many things in my life are still the same. I’m still a <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/leaning-in/">grad student</a>. Still trying to do research on education and finding it hard, and also thinking about what the <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/how-to-change-policies-at-mit-joint-post-with-rona-w/">most important questions in education</a> are to me. I’m still in a cappella. I still really like orange.</p>

<p>But not all is the same. My hair is growing out. I just bought <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/scootin-and-zoomin/">a new bike</a> (also orange). I’m living on campus again, but this time as Graduate Resident Advisor (GRA) in a different dorm. I’ll be leaving my a cappella group this spring, and have written a sappy, sentimental, slightly-dramatic “senior” solo to end my time in the group.</p>

<p>It’s sometimes hard to notice all of the things that are different.</p>

<hr />

<p>Back in 2013, I was a science fair kid. I’d been doing a long series of projects on the effect of radiation on the growth of plants, and, to cut a long story short, got to attend the AAAS Annual Meeting in Boston that year. MIT, at that point in time, was somewhat of a mythical place. I was only in 8th grade, and while I probably had heard of MIT, I don’t think I knew anything beyond “oh it’s good at science” and “college is a really long way away”. I was there with a hundred or so other science fair people from across the country, and we got to tour around different parts of MIT. (I have a vague memory of visiting the Broad Institute, and some Googling suggests that Dr. Mandana Sassanfar organized it all. Thanks, Mandana!) To be honest, I don’t have any strong memories of my impressions of the place, as it was literally a decade ago; but, I can definitely say that I knew that MIT existed after that trip.</p>

<p>I know that MIT was in my mind at least a little bit, though. Almost all of my messaging in high school happened over Google Hangouts⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/ten/#annotation-1">01</a> which means that I can literally pull up read receipts from conversations. Like this one:</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/image-20230209203645323.jpg" alt="chat transcript from 2014 (p = paolo, f = paolo's friend)/ p: i'm still not sure why we're caring about this now / f: that's true / f: where do you want to apply? / f: because college apps / p: wow, asking the hard-hitting questions / p: idk / p: i'm thinking about going into economics / p: stocks / p: etc / p: so likely upenn, harvard, stanford / p: also caltech and mit, just because / p: but also, that's a whole two years in the future" /></p>

<p>It’s funny to look back and see that economics was on my mind as a potential career option back in 2014. But also, I know I didn’t have a good sense of economics then (particularly, only seeing its relationship to the stock market).⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/ten/#annotation-2">02</a> While I had an answer to my friend’s question, I think the question of “what do I want to do in the future” was only on my mind because of my parents, who really were hoping I had an answer (especially because by then, I’d decided that I didn’t want to do biology/become a doctor, like my older sister). And so any answers I gave here were probably tentative at best.</p>

<hr />

<p>Reflecting on how MIT has changed me (and as a result, how I view this institution) is hard. There’s the first problem of figuring out exactly how I’ve changed. Then, I need to account for my own “MIT-tinted googles”: for the past 6 years, the longest I’ve been away from Cambridge is just 3 months. Not a lot of time separated, all things considered. Even if I get past that, though, there’s a bigger problem: it’s unfair to credit all of those changes just to MIT.</p>

<p>While yes, these changes did happen <em>at</em> MIT, they also might have happened <em>without</em> MIT. Some of it could be just leaving home for the first time, growing older, or just generally maturing. It could be the people I’ve met — while we were brought together because of MIT, is it really <em>because</em> of MIT that I then had that change, or would it also have happened anywhere else I went?</p>

<p>It’s impossible to reflect and pinpoint the causes of changes with certainty because we’ll never know the <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/joshua-angrist-shares-the-nobel-prize/">counterfactuals</a>. There’s no <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/choosing-to-become-yourself/">alternate-universe-self</a> for me to compare to, but such is the nature of life.</p>

<p>Two examples (and these two, I think, are the main things that learned from MIT):</p>

<ul>
  <li>I feel like I’m capable of doing difficult things. Here, the MIT-centered narrative is clear: MIT is a difficult place. I took difficult classes, spent many late nights psetting, and now, I generally feel like I can do things that are “hard”⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/ten/#annotation-3">03</a> (measured by a variety of ways: intellectually challenging, many hours, competing priorities, …). But would this have happened if I went somewhere else? I’m sure I would have found ways to push myself anywhere else I went, and there’s a decent chance that had I finished college anywhere else, I might have changed in the same way.</li>
  <li>I don’t want to be a person that keeps pushing myself academically. Perhaps because of the fact that I <em>could</em> choose to devote my whole life to academics and economics have I realized that I don’t really want to. I like having other areas of my life — teaching, singing, socializing, and just time for rest and introspection — because my life doesn’t feel good when I am spending all of my time on just “work”. Instead, I like centering my life around people, and valuing the parts of my life that let me connect with others. But perhaps this was just a natural part of leaving high school and growing up and maturing. Whether I’d have discovered this about myself anywhere else — who knows.</li>
</ul>

<p>I can also point to dozens of other ways in which I’ve changed over the last six years,⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/ten/#annotation-4">04</a> that have even more tenuous connections to MIT as an institution. But it is human nature to try and describe <em>why</em> something happened rather than just being content with observing that it <em>did</em> happen — after all, some believe that <a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41467-017-02036-8">storytelling is what makes us human</a>.</p>

<hr />

<p>Truth be told, I didn’t think a lot about MIT — or college at all — during most of high school.</p>

<p>During my sophomore year, a good friend of mine who was one year older went to MIT for a science research camp, and I remember hearing about how cool he thought MIT was. He got in the next year — but eventually chose to not go. While panicking about what I’d do the summer after my junior year, I applied to a (now non-existent) summer camp at MIT on entrepreneurship. My incredibly cringe-y application was rejected (the correct decision, I think) — but that summer I ended up in Boston anyways, teaching at a small math camp.⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/ten/#annotation-5">05</a> We make a quick pit stop at MIT as part of a field trip, and I remember the feeling of awe at the university — but also trying to figure out where I’d like it here. I talked a lot that summer to my older friend, asking him for the reasons that he ended up going somewhere else instead of MIT. I’ve found one of these chats, and it’s interesting to think about his critiques now that I <em>have</em> been through MIT.</p>

<p>It was that summer I had to start thinking about applying to colleges: doing research about different colleges, reading their websites, and of course, inevitably stumbling on the MIT Blogs. I sent a few links around to friends — my (continued) consideration of economics led me <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/you-should-consider-studying-economics-if/">here</a>, <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/reference_frames/">this post</a> really started making me feel like a senior. Yet, I didn’t fall in love with MIT, partly because I didn’t let myself — as much as I liked everything I saw about MIT, I didn’t want to get my hopes up about getting in. In hindsight, I wish I did, for <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/continuing/">to love is to be vulnerable</a>, and hoping for things is part of the joy of life.</p>

<p>But despite believing that I’d be rejected, I got in — and very quickly started absorbing everything about MIT that I could. A livecast with some bloggers let me see the human side of this institution, and how cool the people were. I started reading every blog I could. And I quickly grew so excited about the chance to come to MIT.</p>

<p><em>To write this section, I went back and looked through dozens and dozens of chats that I had in high school. It’s so interesting going back and re-experiencing the awe of “how in the world did I get in”, the hope that I had for what college could be like, seeing my awkwardness and anxiety and nerdiness of 7 years prior. Most importantly, I got to re-read all of these chats and relive a little bit of the friendships that I had back then; while I’m still close with many of those people, many is not all. That is alright, though, because people change and lives change, and sometimes, people just drift apart. But, to any high school friends who happen to read this — know that I’m incredibly grateful for you, and love you lots &lt;3</em></p>

<hr />

<p>During a cappella auditions this past weekend, I mentioned that I was drafting this post; after learning how long I’ve been here, one of the members of our group asked me, almost incredulously, “are you not tired of this place yet?”</p>

<p>It’s a fair question — I’ve been here for literally a quarter of my life, and by the time that I leave, it’ll be the longest I’ve ever stayed in one place. At this point, I know Cambridge and Boston in and out. I can navigate almost anywhere without needing to stop and check directions on the way. I have been to almost every single restaurant within a mile of MIT. And while there’s much more to explore (down in Boston, out to any of the suburbs), I have seen a lot of it.</p>

<p>Exploring Cambridge and Boston didn’t really start until graduate school; I didn’t leave campus too much during my first few years, and only when I started living off-campus did I start feeling more connected to the town as a whole. I still don’t think I have that much connection to it, but at this point, it feels stronger than my ties to Nevada.</p>

<p>I’ve witnessed a lot of change at MIT. New buildings are always being made. There’s a <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/a-new-year-a-new-president-introducing-dr-sally-kornbluth/">new president</a>. There are new people; in my time at MIT, I’ve been around people from the Class of 2018 to the Class of 2026, and by the time I leave, the incoming first-years will be the Class of 2031.</p>

<p>Perhaps part of the reason MIT itself doesn’t feel old yet is that I’ve kept having new experiences with new people: new roommates my freshman year, new people in every club I joined, becoming a part of the economics graduate student community, and more. But at this point in my life, especially with so few friends from college still in the area, I feel like my social life has stagnated a little, and that I might start feeling a bit more tired of MIT in the next few years.</p>

<hr />

<p>So, after all of this time, how do I view MIT now?</p>

<ul>
  <li>For me, what made MIT special was the people. As an undergrad, meeting amazing people who kept challenging the ways I think, inspiring me to be more, or helping me to better person. As a graduate student, being a part of a cohort that supports each other through the long journey of research, and also getting to watch current undergrads learn to appreciate the same things I did. But how much of that is MIT? Or is it just me choosing to be a part of communities that had these kinds of people, and this would have happened anywhere? Who knows.</li>
  <li>In education more broadly, I think that too much public consciousness goes toward places like MIT (and other elite colleges). While they are important, they are not overly so. MIT has 4000 undergraduates; <a href="https://educationdata.org/college-enrollment-statistics">16 <em>million</em> people</a> in the United States go to college right now, <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/04/09/a-majority-of-u-s-colleges-admit-most-students-who-apply/">over half of them</a> at colleges accepting over two-thirds of applicants.</li>
  <li>I came to MIT partially because of wanting to feel challenged. It did that for me, and I am glad. I grew a lot here, in many ways. At the same time, I wonder if MIT needs to be as hard as it is.</li>
  <li>I deeply appreciated the amount of self-governance that undergrads received: the ability to make choices about how their living group operated, the <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/how-to-change-policies-at-mit-joint-post-with-rona-w/">input we got to give into larger policy decisions</a>, the freedom to crazy events (<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/two-thousand-high-schoolers/">2000 students on campus</a>?!), and more. This autonomy has led to wonderful amounts of creativity and quirkiness that make MIT unique, and it feels like some in the MIT administration don’t understand how valuable that culture is. (See <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/mit-regressions-2/">here</a> and <a href="https://www.palladiummag.com/2022/06/13/stanfords-war-on-social-life/">here</a> for other relevant reading.)</li>
  <li>There is a lot to be said about the amount of resources that MIT has — classes, professors, research opportunities, funding for fun projects, massive career fairs — but I’m pretty sure it’s all been said already. Anything I say on it has no use.</li>
  <li>As a tour guide, I often said that “everyone at MIT is passionate about something;⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/ten/#annotation-6">06</a> they do what they love and love what they do”, and I knew that every conversation with someone here would lead somewhere interesting or inspire me in some way. Everyone here has something that makes them tick, and it’s always exciting to find that…</li>
  <li>…but now that it’s been a few years, I also see that this has a drawback; namely it leads to some amount of homogeneity⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/ten/#annotation-7">07</a> . Everyone here has some passion, and when I was constantly surrounded by people I was excited to hang out with, I found it easy to forget to interact with the world beyond MIT (contributing to the unfortunate fact that MIT can feel like a “bubble”). Only in the last few years do I feel like I’ve gotten better at this, largely driven by actually living off campus.</li>
  <li>MIT is incredibly collaborative (and not competitive); people tend to learn quickly that the only way to make it through here is by working with and supporting each other. But because at MIT, you’re constantly surrounded by such smart people doing such cool things, it’s easy to feel like you always have to be doing something <em>productive</em>, and it means that it can feel bad to just do things for yourself. It’s not easy to let go of this feeling. (I think I’m much better at it now than I was, say, four years ago, but it’s still hard.)</li>
</ul>

<p>I’m aware that none of these are new observations. They’ve been said time and time again by many who have come before me, and many more will figure out similar things in their own time. But it’s different to live through it all and see first-hand how they have been (and are) in my own experience at this institution.</p>

<p>I do deeply love MIT. It has been wonderful to me, and I’m so lucky to be here. I have never regretted coming here, and if I had to go back, I’d happily choose MIT again.</p>

<p>At the same time, it’s important to remember that MIT is just another place. A very special place with so much to offer; but also, the parts of MIT that really make it special can be found everywhere. MIT is not perfect; but also, no place is.</p>

<hr />

<p>It’s been ten years since I first stepped foot on MIT’s campus. By the time I leave here (presuming I graduate when I think I will), I’ll have been here for ten years. A decade. Over a third of my life.</p>

<p>I’ll be here for four more years. I’m thinking of all of the ways that I changed in high school and undergrad — both four-year periods — and realizing that I have that amount of time <em>left</em> here in Cambridge. What kind of person will I be, come 2027? How will I change (either because of, or in spite of, MIT)? How will MIT change?</p>

<p>I guess we’ll see.</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/PXL_20230214_214324152-800x602.jpg" alt="dome at sunet" /></p>

<p>the dome, 2/14/23</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/PXL_20230214_213909137-800x1063.jpg" alt="stata at sunset" /></p>

<p>stata, 2/14/23</p>

<p>Previous Next</p>

<p>IHTFP.</p>]]></content><author><name>phi adajar</name></author><category term="thinking" /><category term="economics" /><category term="school" /><category term="self" /><category term="work" /><category term="education" /><category term="mit admissions" /><category term="grad school" /><category term="long" /><category term="busyness" /><category term="productivity" /><category term="economics" /><category term="growth" /><summary type="html"><![CDATA[IHTFP. We make fun of the architecture a lot here, but sometimes, MIT really does look nice.]]></summary></entry><entry><title type="html">motivation</title><link href="https://padajar.com/2022/09/07/motivation/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="motivation" /><published>2022-09-07T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2022-09-07T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://padajar.com/2022/09/07/motivation</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://padajar.com/2022/09/07/motivation/"><![CDATA[<div class="notice--warning"><b>Note:</b> this blog was originally written on the MIT Admissions Blog <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/motivation-2/">here</a>. Because of things like footnotes and images, it’s best you read it on that site! This page will redirect you in 10 seconds.</div>
<meta http-equiv="refresh" content="10;URL=https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/motivation-2/" />

<p>On the fourth floor of E52,⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/motivation-2/#annotation-1">01</a> there is exactly one men’s restroom. It has two sinks, one urinal, and two toilets, and as 80 people have offices on that floor, it’s not exactly under-used.</p>

<p>Back in April, one of the paper towel dispensers stopped working. Something was wrong with the motor, and when you put your hand in front of it, it’d churn out a piece of paper at about a fifth of the normal rate.</p>

<p>Video Player</p>

<video class="wp-video-shortcode" id="video-78862-1_html5" width="480" height="272" preload="metadata" src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/test2.mp4?_=1" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; display: inline-block; max-width: 100%; font-family: Helvetica, Arial; width: 480px; height: 853.333px;"></video>

<p>00:00</p>

<p>00:13</p>

<p>I knew there were things I could easily do about this — call FIX-IT⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/motivation-2/#annotation-2">02</a> , submit a work order request, or just let anyone know about the problem. But I didn’t. Almost every time I left the bathroom, the thought of calling FIX-IT immediately left my brain. And the times I did hold onto that thought, I was always too busy with something else to do it right that second.</p>

<p>It took about a month for it to be fixed.</p>

<hr />

<p>For three straight weekends in June, I went on hikes. My <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/excerpts/">road trip last summer</a> was my first time doing “real” hiking, and this summer, I’ve been exploring some of the nature in the Boston area. I went down to Blue Hills twice, once for a <a href="https://www.alltrails.com/explore/trail/us/massachusetts/blue-hills-skyline-loop">5-mile, relatively-flat loop</a>, and once with some roommates on the <a href="https://www.alltrails.com/trail/us/massachusetts/blue-hills-skyline-trail">Skyline Trail</a> (a much larger struggle at 12.5 miles and 4000ft elevation change). The next weekend, I drove up to New Hampshire with friends to climb up a mountain ridge with some beautiful views.</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/PXL_20220620_182245305-800x602.jpg" alt="boston in the distance" /></p>

<p>from Great Blue Hill on the west end of the skyline trail. boston in the distance!</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/PXL_20220625_171744940-800x602.jpg" alt="vista with many trees and lakes in distance" /></p>

<p>the view from near the top of doublehead mountain</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/PXL_20220611_163611765-800x1063.jpg" alt="orange mushrooms on log" /></p>

<p>mushrooms seen on the skyline loop</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/PXL_20220716_175845798.MP_-800x602.jpg" alt="mountain vista with a river" /></p>

<p>the view looking back on the ammonoosuc ravine trail (heading up to mount washington). it was beautiful</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/PXL_20220716_205541373.MP_-800x1063.jpg" alt="author with sign atop mount washington" /></p>

<p>at the top!</p>

<p>Previous Next</p>

<p>These trips took up a lot (if not all) of my weekends, and so on the surface, it seems like I care a lot about hiking. But I don’t particularly identify as a hiker — so why did I do this all?</p>

<p>Well, the first Blue Hills trip was intended as a way of relaxation and meditation; a time to be alone and disconnected, free to just think for a bit with some space away from the world. The second was a bit of a “prove to myself that I can”, given how long/difficult that it was, and also a time to hang out with my roommates. The final trip, I was invited by an economics friend, and I said yes because it seemed fun to explore hikes a bit further away and to hang out with new people in my department. When it comes down to it, I feel like I’ve been going on these hikes just because … I wanted to. And so long as I keep enjoying it, I can see myself continuing to hikes for the rest of my adult life.</p>

<p>But there are a few things that have been nagging at me as I start turning hiking into a hobby.</p>

<p>First is a feeling of “stagnation” — the feeling that I’m “settling” into habits and hobbies, and not going out and trying new things as much as I used to. It’s a feeling I never had in college, in part because college is defined by new experiences and development and growth. But now that I’m past undergrad, “new” things happen much less frequently, and I’m not feeling great about it. Of course, that isn’t to say that there aren’t virtues of “settling” — <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/i-feel-completely-fine/">the idea that you can just take activities you enjoy and do them again and again, without a need for always trying to better oneself</a> — in essence, just being happy with where you’re at. ⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/motivation-2/#annotation-3">03</a> On the other hand, you can also deal with this feeling by avoiding settling: just finding new experiences, continuing to try out new things, and exploring and growing.</p>

<p>Second is feeling like I’m a less interesting person. I feel the same thing whenever I tell people “I boulder now!”, which I always follow up with “The thing that every single 20-something is doing these days…” I say it in jest, but it’s kind of true — it’s a hobby that so many around me have picked up, or tried at least once. In a similar way, hiking feels like a “standard” hobby, and if I bring it up, there’s a good chance that the conversation will be connecting about the specifics of the hobby and shared experiences rather than us learning about <em>new</em> things through each other’s experiences. To be clear, I don’t judge <em>others</em> in this way when they tell me that they like hiking or bouldering or any other “common” hobby — it’s solely an issue with self-image, and I don’t know why I judge myself like this.</p>

<p>I’ve been in and out of town during July, and spent most of August moving, and only had one chance to go hiking (back up to New Hampshire for Mount Washington) — but even with this time off, I still haven’t sorted through these feelings completely.</p>

<hr />

<p>As the title of this post suggests, I’ve been thinking a lot about motivation recently. Why I choose to do some things, why I choose to not do other things. There are many theories of motivation in psychology, and because I am no expert in that field, I won’t even <em>attempt</em> to explain any of them. But each theory claims to represent some part of human behavior; a framework for understanding why it is that people act the way that they do.</p>

<p>I like to try and come up with my own frameworks — perhaps this shows through in some of my previous posts. With motivation, I’ve been categorizing things that motivate me (and things that don’t) with the following table:⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/motivation-2/#annotation-4">04</a></p>

<table>
  <thead>
    <tr>
      <th> </th>
      <th>Internal</th>
      <th>External</th>
    </tr>
  </thead>
  <tbody>
    <tr>
      <td>Real-world/Tangible change</td>
      <td> </td>
      <td> </td>
    </tr>
    <tr>
      <td>Change to mentality/perception</td>
      <td> </td>
      <td> </td>
    </tr>
  </tbody>
</table>

<p>At the most basic level, we choose to do something whenever the benefits exceed the costs — this grid helps me identify and disentangle what those benefits and costs <em>are</em>. It also provides a bit more nuance than the commonly-stated “internally/externally-motivated” by also factoring in what the root of the motivating factor is.</p>

<p>Filling in these boxes for different activities and seeing the commonalities, or what’s missing, has been helpful in understanding myself and what kind of person I am trying to be (consciously and subconsciously). For example, with hiking, some of the reasons that I listed above might fit into the box like so:</p>

<table>
  <thead>
    <tr>
      <th> </th>
      <th>Internal</th>
      <th>External</th>
    </tr>
  </thead>
  <tbody>
    <tr>
      <td>Real-world/Tangible change</td>
      <td>– health, relaxation, time to think – leaving the MIT/Boston bubble</td>
      <td>– making friends through hiking</td>
    </tr>
    <tr>
      <td>Change to mentality/perception</td>
      <td>– fear of stagnation/normality – feeling like i can do difficult things</td>
      <td>– fear of seeming less interesting</td>
    </tr>
  </tbody>
</table>

<p>To be clear, I’m not trying to claim that this is the best way to look at motivation. There are clear shortcomings: things might not fit easily into these two dichotomies (e.g., leaving the bubble also changes my mentality) and there are important dimensions of motivation that aren’t indicated here (e.g., how long it takes for impacts to happen, whether these are things I’m trying to be/things I’m trying to avoid, the magnitude of impacts, and so on). All frameworks are incomplete and inaccurate representations of the real world; even so, they’re useful because they help put some structure on the messiness that is the real world.</p>

<hr />

<p>At the end of almost every semester at MIT, I’ve finished my exams, packed up all of my items, and felt like I should have spent more time around people. Quoting from a <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/continuing/">previous post</a> of mine:</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>Life is much, much more than admissions, decisions, or “work” in general. One of my clearest memories at MIT comes from a group discussion the summer after my first year, where we were asked what we’d do with an extra hour in a day. The three first-years in the group, myself included, all said that we’d take more classes, spend more time exploring the academic offerings at MIT. But the two seniors in our group both said they’d spend more time with the people around them, taking in the community and the life around them while they could.</p>
</blockquote>

<p>Today is the start of my eleventh semester at MIT, and I still haven’t learned my lesson. At the start of this year, I made a list of people that I wanted to talk to more, then proceeded to do essentially no follow-up on that goal, despite knowing that I love being around others, seeing friends more would be great for my mental well-being, and that these are friendships I know I need to work to maintain.</p>

<p>Hanging out with friends feels like it falls outside of the framework I mentioned above — it’s something that I know I enjoy, and it’s something that’s so easy to do (even just as low-effort as texting a friend and saying hi!), yet I find myself not prioritizing socializing again and again. And I really don’t know why.</p>

<hr />

<p>On the flip side, there are many things that I’ve found myself prioritizing without actively choosing to do so. Every day this year, I’ve finished the NYT Crossword (and Mini) and Spelling Bee, and have gotten pretty decent⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/motivation-2/#annotation-5">05</a> at them. I’ve gone on all of those hikes. Gone bouldering. Spent a lot of time doing things for Centrifugues, my a cappella group: arranging songs, working on logistics, and figuring out how to help our group sound better.</p>

<p>I was lucky enough to get some solos in Fugues songs last year, and when I did, I found myself sitting in front of my computer, recording myself singing, and playing it back to figure out where I could improve. They say that you are your own worst critic, and that was painfully true for this process. Yet, I listened to myself and figured out where I was off-pitch, nasally, or gasping for air, and worked to fix these issues, without <em>anyone</em> asking me to — it just <em>happened</em>.</p>

<p>In some ways, this is the opposite of “why is it hard to hang out with friends”. Socializing is an activity I love, and it takes little effort, yet I ended up not doing it at all. Listening to myself sing was a literally cringe-inducing process, <em>no one</em> asked me to do it, and yet I found myself singing to dozens of recordings to figure out where to breathe and how to hit those high notes.</p>

<p>The “<a href="https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Occam's_razor">Occam’s Razor</a>” explanation for this, following my framework above, is that the fear of being judged badly by others singing mistakes outweighed anything else. I’m not sure if it’s true yet or not — perhaps I will on more reflecting.⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/motivation-2/#annotation-6">06</a></p>

<p>Another thing that the framework above misses is making judgments about the “goodness” of different motivating factors. For example, I don’t think very highly of myself when I think about the Occam’s Razor explanation above — I don’t want to be a person who is primarily motivated by <em>fear</em> (as opposed to someone who chooses things in pursuit of “what I want to be”).</p>

<p>Perhaps these factors shouldn’t be judged at all. In some ways, how much does it matter the motivations, the intention behind these things, if the outcome is good? I’m sure I sounded better as a result of all of my self-critiquing; should I care about the reasons that got me to that good outcome? Or conversely: if the motivations are good, but the outcome is bad, how should we view that?</p>

<p>Who knows.</p>

<hr />

<p>I haven’t been blogging. I’ve wanted to. But here we are, 7 months after my last blog post, with nothing to show but this long, rambling blog that doesn’t even talk directly about why I haven’t been blogging.</p>

<p>I started drafting this post in June. It is September.</p>

<hr />

<p>As has been <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/?s=&quot;infinite+jest&quot;">previously mentioned on the blogs</a>, <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/author/petey/">Petey</a> runs a book club for Infinite Jest every few years, with this year’s iteration including me and a few other bloggers past and present. I chose to join it not because I particularly wanted to read Infinite Jest, or to break into post-modern literature, or to change my worldview because of David Foster Wallace. Rather, I chose to read it because I wanted to show myself that I could read a notoriously difficult and long book like Infinite Jest — a bit of motivation that I’m still trying to reflect on.</p>

<p>The book, with many intertwining stories, discusses life at “elite” schools, substance addiction, capitalism, technology, and much more. In between all of that, there are many interesting quotes on motivation, and I’ve picked out two (no spoilers) that have made me think the most.</p>

<p>Quote 1 happens in a conversation describing students at a high school tennis academy, teens who are striving to “make it” and become professional tennis players.</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>‘But perhaps one does attain this … You become just what you have given your life to be. Not merely very good, but the best […] Leave to one side the talent and work to become best — you are doomed if you do not have also within you some ability to transcend the goal, transcend the success of the best, if you get to there.’</p>

  <p>[…]</p>

  <p>‘Then’, Poutrincourt said, ‘and for the ones who do become the étoiles,⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/motivation-2/#annotation-7">07</a> the lucky who become profiled and photographed for readers and … make it, they must have something built into them along the path that will let them transcend it, or they are doomed. We see this in experience. One sees this in all obsessive goal-based cultures of pursuit. […] For, you, if you attain your goal and cannot find some way to transcend the experience of having the goal be your entire existence, your raison de faire, so, then, one of two things will happen.’</p>

  <p>[…]</p>

  <p>‘One, one is that you attain the goal and realize the shocking realization that attaining the goal does not complete or redeem you, does not make everything for your life “OK” as you are, in the culture, educated to assume it will do this, the goal.⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/motivation-2/#annotation-8">08</a> And then you face this fact that what you had thought would have the meaning does not have the meaning when you get it, and you are impaled by shock.’</p>

  <p>[…]</p>

  <p>‘Or the other possibility of doom, for the étoiles who attain. They attain the goal, thus, and put as much equal passion into celebrating their attainment as they had put into pursuing the attainment. This is called here the Syndrome of the Endless Party. The celebrity, money, sexual behaviors, drugs and substances. The glitter. They become celebrities instead of players, and because they are celebrities only as long as they feed the culture-of-goal’s hunger for the make-it, the winning, they are doomed, because you cannot both celebrate and suffer, and play is always suffering, just so.’</p>
</blockquote>

<p>And a quote from a different character, during a long passage of existential crisis:</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>It now lately sometimes seemed like a kind of black miracle to me that people could actually care deeply about a subject or pursuit, and could go on caring this way for years on end. Could dedicate their entire lives to it. It seemed admirable and at the same time pathetic. We are all dying to give our lives away to something, maybe. God or Satan, politics or grammar, topology or philately—the object seemed incidental to this will to give oneself away, utterly. To games or needles, to some other person. Something pathetic about it. A flight-from in the form of a plunging-into. Flight from exactly what? […] To what purpose?</p>
</blockquote>

<p>I chose to spend a large chunk of my life to IJ: about 5 hours per week of reading from February through July. I’m glad that I read the book; it made me think about interesting things and showed me that I can still commit to difficult tasks. But a part of me still wonders about why I chose to spend dozens of hours on this, rather than anything else.</p>

<hr />

<p>At the end of May, a few thousand MIT 2020 and 2021 graduates came back to campus for make-up graduation! It was boatloads of fun.</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/PXL_20220528_143148703-800x1063.jpg" alt="the great dome, with many graduates in front" /></p>

<p>on the way to graduation</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/IMG_2826-800x600.jpg" alt="people holding diplomas, making serious faces" /></p>

<p>we are a very serious bunch that now have diplomas!</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/IMG_5089-800x1067.jpg" alt="two people carrying a third" /></p>

<p>me + freshman year roommates, recreating our ring delivery pic before heading to senior ball</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/281503008_1056693228565038_9194783274798052570_n-1-800x605.jpg" alt="people gathered around an ice cream cake" /></p>

<p>many esp alumni got tosci’s together c:</p>

<p>Previous Next</p>

<p>Like a normal graduation ceremony, there were speeches, and they were <em>wonderful</em>.</p>

<p>One speech, by Kealoha Wong ’99, Hawaii’s first poet laureate, talked about the meaning of it all. I’ve turned an excerpt into it into paragraph form, but really, Kealoha’s delivery brings so much to this — video of the excerpt is embedded below. (I also <em>really</em> recommend the whole speech. It was fantastic.)</p>

<iframe loading="lazy" title="Poet Kealoha Wong '99 speaks to MIT graduates at special ceremony" width="500" height="281" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/3HFL2ho2p7M?start=394&amp;feature=oembed&amp;modestbranding=1&amp;autohide=1&amp;rel=0" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; max-width: 780px; position: absolute; inset: 0px; height: 438.75px; width: 780px;"></iframe>

<blockquote>
  <p>Chances are that 200 years from now, hardly anybody remember our name, and the work we did on this planet will have faded. And maybe one or some of you will shift humanity in some meaningful way. And for those of you who do, shoot, make us proud of you. But for the rest of us, we may make some esoteric discovery, or some small contribution to our industries.</p>

  <p>But most likely, our most significant impact will be in our communities and in our families. Our impact will be felt in the way that we treat others, in the way that we treat ourselves. The humanity that we express during our lives will echo as a singular note in the infinite symphony of the cosmos. And trust me, there will be meaningful friendships and deep laughter along the way. We will experience drama, and sorrow, and tragedy in our days. There will be broken bones, broken contracts, and broken hearts. There’ll be moments of clarity and inspiring art. You will feel both pride and disappointment. You feel times of discontent, and times of disconnect, and times of depression. There’ll be love, and joy, and peak experiences shining brighter than all of your other times trudging through the daily mundane.</p>

  <p>And I wish for you to live all of your multifaceted human experiences presently and fully. Because soon enough, they will all fade. All of them. Even this MIT experience, as vivid as it was in real life and as high def as it was online, your mind, your memory, your sense of what this was will fade.</p>

  <p>I have a confession to make. I don’t remember most of what I learned here. [LAUGHTER] You too? OK, cool. Don’t tell my family. They still believe I still got it. But it’s true. I know that at one point I could calculate the IHTFP out of a differential equation. [LAUGHTER] That I could break down with mathematical precision what was going on in a nuclear reactor core. That at some point, I could have told you the difference between Laplace and Fourier transforms. MIT transformed my mind.</p>

  <p>But let’s say you gave me a pop quiz today in any of that — any of that. Let me retake any one of those exams that I took when I was here. Start the clock for an hour. Heck, make it open-book like how it used to be. You know what would happen? I would look at that first sheet of paper with all those Greek letters and Hindu Arabic numbers on it. And the minutes would continue to tick.</p>

  <p>I would flip through the pages and I would start to daydream about the people that I knew here, the countless hours that we spent together would flash as a mash-up of greatest hits of late night talks and long walks over and along the Charles. I would try to remember the specific pathways that took through the Infinite Corridor during a typical day to get from Lobby 7, to Building 26, then to Building 4, only to have to circle back through 10, 3, and 7, to end up at Building 5 without ever going outside to expose myself to the Cambridge snow. [LAUGHTER].</p>

  <p>I would giggle at the fact that I walked barefoot around campus the first couple of months that I was here because I wasn’t quite yet ready to give up that part of my Hawaii upbringing. I would recall some of the hacks that I witnessed, like the time when folks dressed this dome up as R2D2 a couple of days before Star Wars, The Phantom Menace was released. I would reflect on all of my crushes, and all of my roommates, and the closeness, and the growing pains of our coming of age. I would smile over the friendships that I made. And I would be grateful for the way that MIT changed my brain. And I would turn that test in blank.</p>
</blockquote>

<p>And from another speech, by Chengzhao “Richard” Zhang PhD ‘21, with some thoughts on motivation, ambition, and success. (I’ve copied most of the speech here).</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>Let me tell you a story right here. Six years ago when I first got to MIT, I looked up on the dome and told myself, I’m going to conquer the world. Just like many of you, my fellow alums, I am and have always been a very ambitious person, driven by the desire to be successful and accomplished.</p>

  <p>But what is success? Back when I was pursuing my PhD in math at MIT, success for me meant graduation. That definition was emblematic, straightforward, and unanimously agreed upon by my friends, family, and even my worst enemies. [LAUGHTER] So for five years, I worked extremely hard towards my degree just like all of you here.</p>

  <p>And I still remember the day that I defended my dissertation, Wednesday, April 28, 2021. Actually, right over there in the green pyramid top behind the trees in building two. That’s where I virtually defended. That day I felt so much accomplishment and success.</p>

  <p>But now that I’ve graduated a year ago, I’ve come to view success on different terms. Or as a mathematician would say, ill-defined and multi-valued. [LAUGHTER] Right after leaving MIT, I still had the same notion of wanting to conquer the world, per se. So I kept on hustling on my new job until I started feeling stuck by the daily mundanities of going– getting up and going to work. And this time? Guess what? There’s no symbolic universally agreed-upon finish line like the dissertation defense or the commencement.</p>

  <p>And it took me a while to realize the importance of having internal success definitions, a set of your own metrics for what it means for you to be successful. I then celebrate frequently when I succeed on my own terms. And even more than that, I find little joys over the otherwise daily mundanities, whether it be a serendipitous chat with a good friend or finding that perfect meme on Facebook. [LAUGHTER] As we embark on our next journey, whether it be academia, industry, entrepreneurship, or further education, I have no doubt that MIT’s training has enabled us to succeed on our terms and conquer our own world that nobody else can ever define for us. In the meantime, celebrate the small as well as the big wins, such as today’s graduation. Thank you so much.</p>
</blockquote>

<hr />

<p>These graduation speeches particularly spoke to me, having just finished up my first year of grad school. I was never fully set on doing an economics PhD, even <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/leaning-in/">when I chose it</a>. Now one year in, I think I have a much better understanding of research, my relationship with work, and what I want — but of course, <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/it-is-okay-to-not-know/">I still feel very far from having all of the answers</a>.</p>

<p>For one, I’ve realized that I’m not that ambitious of a person. On a trip with cohort-mates after finishing our first year, I and others judged my ambition to be at about the 10th percentile of my cohort.</p>

<p>[As a quick aside, I’d like to talk about the words <em>ambition</em> and <em>motivation</em>. For many, ambition and motivation are intrinsically related, but I’d like to distinguish them slightly. Motivation feels like a broad word for a generic “why do you want to do something”; ambition, as I am using it, specifically refers to the desire to succeed in or achieve something, especially things that are difficult and thus require sacrifice of some kind (hard work, time, …). The “10th percentile” bit was actually part of a conversation on economics motivation; but I think that ambition is a more accurate term to describe what we were talking about. I think that I <em>am</em> motivated to do so many things — it’s just that my motivation to do economics at the expense of these other activities is very, very low. (And of course, there are <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/everything-all-at-once/">many other ways to define these words</a>.)]</p>

<p>There are things that I know would make me a better economist — practicing research ideation, spending more time reading papers, just having more conversations about economics — but the truth is that I just don’t want to do those things. I’m unwilling to take the time I’m spending on these other areas of my life — hiking, a cappella, reading Infinite Jest, and of course, being around people I care about — and spend more of it on economics.</p>

<p>To be clear, it’s not like I’m <em>not</em> working; I probably put in at least 40-45 hours each week doing economics, and I’m trying to think about potential research ideas, and I’ve got a research project in the pipeline where I’m trying to get data access, and so on. But as with everything, there is so much <em>more</em> that I could be doing, and in particular, I know that I prioritize the “grad student” side of me less than many of my peers.</p>

<p>Is there a simple explanation, like I just care less about economics than them? Is my avoidance of (academic) work a self-perception thing, where I don’t want to see myself as a person willing to sacrifice doing things I enjoy for the sake of my career? If I were to spend more time working, I could probably end up being a pretty good economist — why is it that I don’t care about becoming one? Are these my true values, or am I just scared of trying and failing?</p>

<p>Why is it that I’m in such a lucky position — an economics graduate student at MIT, goddammit — and not trying to make the most of it?</p>

<p>I don’t think that I’d be happy with my life if I tried to be the best economist I could be. But then why, in this world where I choose to value day-to-day happiness more than my research, do I still feel bad about making this choice for myself?</p>

<hr />

<p>As it goes with life (and many of my posts): many questions, and the vaguest inklings at answers. Those answers will only come with more reflection, more conversations with others, and more time — if ever.</p>

<p>There is no rush to find those answers. For now, I sit here with these thoughts, just identifying and feeling, and trying to put the puzzle pieces together.</p>]]></content><author><name>phi adajar</name></author><category term="thinking" /><category term="economics" /><category term="school" /><category term="self" /><category term="work" /><category term="mit admissions" /><category term="grad school" /><category term="productivity" /><category term="a cappella" /><category term="hiking" /><category term="frameworks" /><category term="graduation" /><summary type="html"><![CDATA[On the fourth floor of E52, there is exactly one men’s restroom. It has two sinks, one urinal, and two toilets, and as 80 people have offices on that floor, it’s not exactly under-used.]]></summary></entry><entry><title type="html">on wordle, french toast, and copyright law</title><link href="https://padajar.com/2022/02/13/wordle-french-toast-copyright-law/" rel="alternate" type="text/html" title="on wordle, french toast, and copyright law" /><published>2022-02-13T00:00:00+00:00</published><updated>2022-02-13T00:00:00+00:00</updated><id>https://padajar.com/2022/02/13/wordle-french-toast-copyright-law</id><content type="html" xml:base="https://padajar.com/2022/02/13/wordle-french-toast-copyright-law/"><![CDATA[<div class="notice--warning"><b>Note:</b> this blog was originally written on the MIT Admissions Blog <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/on-wordle-french-toast-and-copyright-law/">here</a>. Because of things like footnotes and images, it’s best you read it on that site! This page will redirect you in 10 seconds.</div>
<meta http-equiv="refresh" content="10;URL=https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/on-wordle-french-toast-and-copyright-law/" />

<p>Like many of you, I have been playing <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/games/wordle/index.html">Wordle</a>, a game where you try to guess a 5-letter word given information about letter locations, and I have been playing it <em>religiously</em>. I have at least 3 separate groups of people that I talk to Wordle about. Today’s [as of writing this] was particularly good for me, but was definitely more of an exception than a rule.</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/image-20220213120600089.png" alt="wordle 239, 2/6" /></p>

<p>i play on hard mode! the restriction makes it a bit more fun i think</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/image-20220213120616695.png" alt="wordle 238, 4/6" /></p>

<p>a more normal day for me</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/image-20220213120644769.png" alt="wordle 231, greens squares look like w. text says " /></p>

<p>a particularly hard day</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/image-20220213120631583.png" alt="wordle 234 6/6" /></p>

<p>another sad day for hard mode. reflect this over y=x and it looks like an F? pattern was [?RA?E] and i literally guessed every possible combination before getting the word</p>

<p><img src="https://mitadmissions.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/image-20220213120733225.png" alt="40 day streak, 100% completion; histogram (number of guesses - frequency): 2-1, 3-10, 4-23, 5-5, 6-1" /></p>

<p>overall wordle stats! i have lots of 4s</p>

<p>Previous Next</p>

<p>There are also a <em>million</em> other Wordle clones that I’ve enjoyed (though don’t keep up with them like Wordle):</p>

<ul>
  <li><a href="https://worldle.teuteuf.fr/">Worldle</a>, guessing countries/territories using their shape and how far off you are geographically (or for a harder mode, without any shapes)</li>
  <li><a href="https://airportle.scottscheapflights.com/">Airportle</a>, guessing airport codes</li>
  <li><a href="https://nerdlegame.com/">Nerdle</a>, guessing the math equation</li>
  <li><a href="https://converged.yt/primel/">Primel</a>, guessing the 5-digit prime</li>
  <li><a href="https://zaratustra.itch.io/dordle">Dordle</a>, guessing two Wordles at once</li>
  <li><a href="https://fubargames.se/squardle/">Squardle</a>, guessing a grid of Wordles</li>
</ul>

<p>But the clone that I’ve most enjoyed is <a href="https://semantle.novalis.org/">Semantle</a>.⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/on-wordle-french-toast-and-copyright-law/#annotation-1">01</a> I was introduced to it by Jenny W. (G) and <em>loved</em> it immediately. In Semantle, you are trying to figure out some English word. Like Wordle, you try to figure out the word by guessing other words; however, in Semantle, your guesses are scored by how close they are in <em>meaning</em> to the secret word. Higher scores are closer in meaning, and are on a scale of 0-100. Very roughly, a score above 30 means you’re decently close, and a score above 45 means you are almost there.</p>

<p>As an example from the other day, for Semantle #13 (on 2/11), some of my guesses included <em>mirror</em> (score 22.11), <em>ikea</em> (25.11), <em>art</em> (30.50), and <em>exhibition</em> (44.43). You have unlimited guesses, and that day, while it took me 182 tries, I eventually found the secret word (display).</p>

<p>To unpack Semantle a little bit, the “score” is determined by <a href="https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Word2vec">word2vec</a>, a cool way of quantifying the “distance” between two words. Word lists and data come from Google’s corpus of newspaper articles. There’s fun linear algebra and NLP and linguistics things that happen behind the scenes that I very much wish I understood.</p>

<p>Anyways, everyone should play Semantle. It’s great. I generally feel like getting it in under 100 guesses is “decent”, and I’m pretty happy with under 75-ish guesses. To be clear, I don’t hit these goals often: Semantle #14 took me over 300 tries D: (I’ve also witnessed people get it in absurdly few tries: currently the fastest I’ve ever seen are 12, 5, and 2 guesses : o )</p>

<p>Perhaps one of the reasons that I like Semantle so much is that it reminds me of a game that I’ve played a non-zero amount: French Toast or Waffles.</p>

<p>The game roughly goes like this: someone thinks of a word, and then everyone tries to figure it out by iteratively asking for comparisons between two objects. The game might go something like this, if the word was something like <em>microphone</em>:</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>A: French Toast or Waffles?
B: Waffles (<em>maybe it looks more like a microphone?</em>)
A: Waffles or Toaster?
B: Toaster (<em>uses electricity, probably closer</em>)
A: Toaster or Tree?
B: Toaster (<em>probably the electronic thing is better, even if <a href="https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Wood_ear">wood ear</a> is a thing</em>)</p>
</blockquote>

<p>… and so on, until the word is guessed.</p>

<p>French Toast isn’t a completely novel idea. People at my high school played
“Karl Mark or French Toast”. There’s a board game that is based on the same concept that is literally called <a href="https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/peterchayward/french-toast">“French Toast”</a>. In fact, the creator of Semantle, <a href="https://novalis.org/">David Turner</a>,⁠<a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/on-wordle-french-toast-and-copyright-law/#annotation-2">02</a> links to <a href="http://www.topped-with-meat.com/connector/frenchtoast.html">a page that describes French Toast</a> in a way very similar to above.</p>

<p>This last page is on a relatively amusing site — last updated in 1999, a relic of a bygone era of the internet. Some highlights:</p>

<ul>
  <li>
    <p>The tiny text at the bottom of this page reads: “There’s no copyright, but holy leaping lizards what the HELL is that THING on my SHOULDER getitoffgetitoffgetitoff”</p>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>It links to the <a href="http://www.topped-with-meat.com/connector/ectoplasmic.html">“Ectoplastmic Connector”</a>, which features poetry from the site owner at age 6:</p>

    <blockquote>
      <p>my poem. by dave (age 6)</p>

      <p>i like tigers. they are funny.
when tigers eat people they aren’t.
but sometimes they are.</p>

      <p>i like anteaters because they eat
ants and ants eat food at picnics.</p>

      <p>yogi bear is a good bear, so is smokey
because without him there would be more fires.</p>
    </blockquote>
  </li>
  <li>
    <p>And perhaps most interestingly, the site owner’s contact email is [email]@ihtfp.net.</p>
  </li>
</ul>

<p>Wait, what? IHTFP?</p>

<p>IHTFP is MIT lingo to simultaneously talk about how much we love this place and how hard it can be sometimes. On one day, it might stand for <strong>I</strong> <strong>H</strong>ave <strong>T</strong>ruly <strong>F</strong>ound <strong>P</strong>aradise, the next, <strong>I</strong> <strong>H</strong>ate <strong>T</strong>his <strong>F</strong>ucking <strong>P</strong>lace. IHTFP is <a href="https://www.mit.edu/people/mjbauer/ihtfp.html">a core part of the MIT Identity</a>, and there are <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/ihtfp/">many</a>, <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/meltdown/">many</a> <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/blogs/entry/ihtfparadise-a-journey-of-depression-at-mit/">many</a> <a href="https://mitadmissions.org/?s=IHTFP">blogs</a> about the IHTFP feeling.)</p>

<p>And if you do a tiny little bit more digging, you can find that the owner of this site is one David LaMacchia, MIT class of 1995.</p>

<p><em>NB: I am not an expert in copyright law or law at all. All of this is from my own understanding of the law after lots of internet sleuthing. <a href="https://youtu.be/pEqnXNsAFL8?t=178">I am unconscious of intentional error, I am nevertheless too sensible of my defects not to think it probable that I may have committed many errors.</a></em></p>

<p>Quoting from <a href="http://tech.mit.edu/V114/N68/lamacchia.00n.html">The Tech</a>:</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>For the typical MIT student, an average semester brings an un-average stress level. From problem sets to final exams to job interviews, the pressure can be intense.</p>

  <p>But for David M. LaMacchia ’95 the pressure was unusually high – even by MIT standards.</p>

  <p>On April 7, LaMacchia was indicted on one count of conspiracy to commit wire fraud, a crime that carries a maximum sentence of five years in prison and a $250,000 fine…</p>
</blockquote>

<p>In 1994, David LaMacchia ran an online site named Cynosure on an MIT-connected computer. Users could upload copyrighted software, like Excel 5.0 and Sim City 2000, to Cynosure; those copies could then be downloaded by others who knew the site’s password. This site caused losses of over a million dollars to software companies. And eventually, all of that traffic led <a href="https://ist.mit.edu/">MIT IST</a> (our IT department) and the FBI to take note, and the US Department of Justice indicted LaMacchia.</p>

<p>The problem was that the US couldn’t actually prosecute LaMacchia under copyright law at the time, because LaMacchia was running his site for free; copyright law only applied to those who earned a profit from their copyright-breaking activities. Instead, the US charged him under the <a href="https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Mail_and_wire_fraud">wire fraud statute</a>.</p>

<p>Appealing to an earlier Supreme Court Case, <a href="https://www.wikiwand.com/en/Dowling_v._United_States_(1985)">Dowling v. United States, 473 U.S. 207 (1985)</a>, LaMacchia and his lawyers argued that “copyright prosecutions for alleged copyright infringement must be brought, if at all, under the Copyright Act, and cannot be brought under statutes enacted by Congress to prohibit interstate theft and fraud”. This case went to the District Court of Massachusetts. And LaMacchia <em>won</em>. The charges were dropped.</p>

<p>Now, to be clear, the judge did not condone LaMacchia’s behavior. Quoting from <a href="https://www.wikiwand.com/en/United_States_v._LaMacchia">Wikipedia</a>:</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>Justice Richard Stearns, while writing the memorandum, stated that “If the indictment is to be believed, one might at best describe [LaMacchia’s] action’s as heedlessly irresponsible, and at worst as nihilistic, self-indulgent, and lacking in any fundamental sense of values.” He asserted that this ruling was a result of a shortcoming of copyright law…</p>
</blockquote>

<p>After all of this was said and done, digital lawyers were well-aware of the LaMacchia Loophole, as it came to be known: current copyright law didn’t apply if the copyright violations did not yield a profit. Two years later, Congress passed the <a href="https://www.wikiwand.com/en/No_Electronic_Theft_Act">No Electronic Theft (NET) Act</a>, created <em>specifically</em> to close the LaMacchia Loophole.</p>

<p>It is that same David LaMacchia that wrote about the game French Toast on his site. A description that David Turner read, and 20 years later amidst the Wordle craze, inspired him to make Semantle, a game that I’ve been playing every day since I learned about it.</p>

<p>It really is such a small world.</p>

<p><em>Large credit to Nine M. ‘23 for doing lots of this fact-finding and telling me about it. I am just here writing it up for your entertainment.</em></p>]]></content><author><name>phi adajar</name></author><category term="miscellany" /><category term="mit admissions" /><category term="words" /><summary type="html"><![CDATA[Like many of you, I have been playing Wordle, a game where you try to guess a 5-letter word given information about letter locations, and I have been playing it religiously. I have at least 3 separate groups of people that I talk to Wordle about. Today’s [as of writing this] was particularly good for me, but was definitely more of an exception than a rule.]]></summary></entry></feed>